A Tease Too Far?

[English Gentleman]

I've had very positive feedback on all of my stories so far, except this one seems to have slipped through the net and had minimal viewing and zero comments. I believe it's as good as any of my other stories, so I thought I'd open it up to you guys and girls. Love it or hate it? Let me know!

A Tease Too Far?

 

[drksideofthemoon]

As usual, I will state that I don't personally care for BDSM stories. That being said, here's my comments.

Your opening paragraph does nothing to capture my attention. Both girls are perfect, blah, blah, blah. Not only is it dull, it's quite long as well.

The second paragraph is no more interesting than the first. Of course he woud be perfect as well. And again, this paragraph should have been broken up. At this point in reading your story, I would back click and set off to look for something else to read.

A lot of your paragraphs are much too long, especially for reading on line.

The bottom line is that your characters aren't the least bit interesting. The plot is weak, and predictable.

 

[_Lynn_]

As usual, I will state that I don't personally care for BDSM stories. That being said, here's my comments.

Your opening paragraph does nothing to capture my attention. Both girls are perfect, blah, blah, blah. Not only is it dull, it's quite long as well.

The second paragraph is no more interesting than the first. Of course he woud be perfect as well. And again, this paragraph should have been broken up. At this point in reading your story, I would back click and set off to look for something else to read.

A lot of your paragraphs are much too long, especially for reading on line.

The bottom line is that your characters aren't the least bit interesting. The plot is weak, and predictable.

I have to agree here with everything he says.

When I opened the page and saw the size of the paragraphs I knew that was a bad thing already.

There is nothing in it fresh and interesting.

Your characters had everything going for them except depth. They were dull and boring.

 

[tickledkitty]

I have to agree too that the characters were not that interesting.

I also found it hard to believe that the guy never did anything to either of them or masturbated himself. He was just teaching them a lesson, huh? Maybe he did do something, and I missed it, as I have to admit I started scanning after the first few paragraphs.

There wasn't enough dialogue. Also, I believe dialogue is better set off by quotation marks.

 

[English Gentleman]

Ouch, those comments hurt! Here's me expecting nothing but praise!

Seriously though, many thanks, its all taken on board, I've given myself a good spanking and will try harder next time!

 

[tickledkitty]

Ouch, those comments hurt! Here's me expecting nothing but praise!

Seriously though, many thanks, its all taken on board, I've given myself a good spanking and will try harder next time!

Honest feedback is so much better. You can actually learn and grow from it. It only hurts for a short time.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Ouch, those comments hurt! Here's me expecting nothing but praise!

Seriously though, many thanks, its all taken on board, I've given myself a good spanking and will try harder next time!

That's what we are here for, tearing people apart, and dashing egos against the rocks.

I'm just kidding. We try to be honest, and straightforward with our critiques.

Good luck on your writing in the future.