A Tantric Encounter

[Trovan]

This is a piece of Ezoteric Erotica, dealing with magic and sex.

It's my first time posting on literotica, honest feeback would be highly appreciated.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-tantric-encounter

 

[anthrodisiac]

You have a pretty solid story. It's a nice mix of mystical and tantric. I probably would've enjoyed it more if the style were more consistent, though.

You seem to have an affinity for one-line paragraphs. Part of me thought maybe it was poetry, but you also have prose, so it's kind of blurring the lines. If you're going to go with poetry, you should make sure to paste it in poetry so a reader knows going in that they're getting poetry. If you're going for prose, then you need to clean up the writing so it reads more like prose and less like poetry.

Most of my advice was given with the idea that this was meant to be prose, but I'm reevaluating that, because most of it reads more like poetry in how it's styled. I'm really not a poetry person, so it's a lot harder for me to evaluate it on that basis — whether it was intended to be hybrid or pure poetry, I'm not well versed in either, so I can't speak to the stylistic choices. So my main advice would be to put it in Poetry, rather than Erotic Couplings, if it is, in fact, poetry. And if it's not, then make sure to format it like more standard prose.

But totally up to you. If this is the intended style, go for it. It's incredibly dependent on what you're aiming for. This sort of thing can work if it's incredibly intentional, but right now it doesn't have a feeling of being as intentional as it could. Really hard to tailor my advice for this, sorry

Couple general things, syntax-wise:

• Make sure to have your punctuation inside the quotation marks, and avoid competing punctuations. Examples:
  • "What's your sign?", she asked, massaging the back of his foot with her nipple, (Should be: "What's your sign?" she asked, massaging...)
  • "I'm Angela.", she said placing the bowl on the mattress. (Should be: "I'm Angela," she said, placing the bowl on the mattress.)
  • "Scorpio", (should be "Scorpio,"
• When someone is addressing someone else in dialogue, there should be commas around the person's name. Ex:
  • "Nice to meet you Angela, you look lovely tonight." (Should be: "Nice to meet you, Angela, you look lovely tonight."

I like the mystical aspect of this a lot, it's a really nice angle. However, the name Angela hits a bit too on the nose for this sort of thing. Given that he's aiming for Bastet, maybe if she had a more cat-like name. Using an "Angel" name derivative and mixing it with an ancient deity hits a little anarchronistic for my taste. Bastet is an Ancient Egyptian cat deity, and while Angela does act cat-like, which I appreciated, I think something a bit more ancient, mysterious, and catty would've fit better.

I would've also liked to see a couple things foreshadowing the mystical element that Angela brings a bit in his evaluation. Some look, an action. Additionally, I'd like to have his reasoning be more than just "Oh, she's new, I guess I'll do that." The mystical element would hit harder if there's something intensely alluring that makes everything else seem inconsequential, giving it a slight air of magic in her appeal to him, almost like he can't quite place his finger on it.

It's good work for your first time! You should be proud. As with everything, take what advice you feel best suits you, and ditch the rest. Almost all feedback is opinion unless it's about grammar (and even then, sometimes that's opinion, too), so don't take what I say to be gospel truth about what will absolutely make it better or that my opinion is somehow hard, objective facts. It's not, it's all personal preference.

Keep up the good work!

 

[Trovan]

Thank you for taking the time to read and review it!

I appreciate your advice and will try to take it into account moving onward.

I'm actually a mystic in the true sense of the word and the way of writing used helps me channel my muse. I didn't realize how the reader would experience it. I tend to read it slowly and enjoy a good visual as I write. I'll consider reformatting on the final review from now on.

 

[anthrodisiac]

If that's a style you prefer and are using it with intention, I don't want to dissuade you from using it. It can be an effective tool, and a lot of people find such styling and format to be incredibly evocative, as you probably felt as you wrote it. It's a matter of balance.

Consider the fact that when you split ideas into shorter paragraphs, it signifies how important it is. The more you use that, the less importance the reader assigns to those shorter paragraphs. Overuse of a technique reduces its impact as the reader acclimatizes to it.

The style and visual arrangement of a story is a powerful subliminal tool for a writer to use. Sentence length, paragraph length, which sentence a paragraph ends, all these things impact how a reader processes the story, usually on a subconscious basis. It's useful to keep that in mind when we write, because this can provide pretty substantial effects. For example, if you're trying to introduce tension or depict action, having shorter, punchier sentences puts the reader in that more tense state. Having staccato. Short. Quick actions. Clipped fragments. Those put the reader in a different mood than if you were to have a long sentence that lacked the staccato or the short actions and clipped fragments. Longer sentences put the reader more at ease, it's more flowy and easy, calmer. But jarring construction makes the reader read the words differently, it feels like it moves faster, and so it works great for horror and action sequences as a result.

Like that, how you format your story in these one-line paragraphs has a similar effect. It's disruptive to the flow if it's being read as prose. But if you put the reader in the mindset that it's poetry, they are in the context where that kind of construction is treated as part of the flow. Reader psychology, always fun, often overlooked, super frustrating at times

I'd recommend taking that same story and formatting it in a more normal prose style. Evaluate how you feel about it. Do you feel like you lost anything in changing the format? Also try making it more pure poetry style. See if it still has the same impact for you. Ultimately, writing should be about what you enjoy and what you feel is most true to your vision and voice, so if you feel the way you wrote this story best fits your vision and voice, then don't compromise that if doing so takes something away from the story.

Just understand that some people might have trouble with the formatting, or not appreciate it the same way you do. It's a very common issue for writers: we can't force readers to read the story the way we envision it. When we put it out in the world, it's open to interpretation and is reimagined in the reader's imagination.

If you want to stick with this formatting, I'd probably include an author note of some kind at the start of the story so you put the reader in the right mindset to enjoy the story as you intend. I have no idea what that note would be, unfortunately. Maybe mentioning it's a poetry/prose hybrid, something to that effect?

I'd recommend finding a beta reader, someone that has a background in poetry if you're aiming for that poetry-styled approach, and make sure it's someone who is willing to give you honest feedback. That way you have someone versed in how the flow of poetry works and can advise you on those aspects, as opposed to a prose-heavy writer like myself who can maybe touch on substance, but not necessarily give the best feedback on a poetry style.