a story

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yes, this is considered "vanilla":

Reeling in the Years

A full moon cast enough light to throw a pale silver shimmer on the glassy surface of the water. The stones shifted beneath her feet and made crunching noises as she moved across the beach. But there was no need to watch her steps on these potentially ankle-twisting stones. After so many years walking here, she knew every turn.

Her dog ran ahead to chase the waves racing up onto shore. She found him by the water’s edge and to her surprise also saw a tall dark silhouette jutting vertically against the horizon, to the left. It was rare to see someone on the beach this time of night let alone this time of year. She couldn’t yet tell if the person was walking towards her or away from her. Whoever this person was, he or she was not used to this beach at night.

The lurching figure moved towards her. She also felt certain that it was a man who approached. Always on the side of caution, she veered closer to the sea wall. The figure adjusted his course as well and now headed in the same direction. Her stomach tightened slightly and out of precaution, she began to scout out a point where she would be able to vault to safety to the sidewalk on the other side. There were now only twenty feet between her and the man coming toward her. She thought she would have no trouble beating him to the sea wall should she need to run, but nonetheless, she felt her heart racing as her adrenalin readied her for flight.

“Thompson? Is that you?” There was only one person in this town who called her by her last name—Harris, her son’s old football coach. She hadn’t seen him in years although she had attended his son’s funeral eight months ago. He died in a car accident.

He stopped five feet from her and she could just now make out his features. Features that were remarkably handsome for a man nearly fifty. Where were the lines of his loss and anguish? “How are you Thompson?” Like an old friend, a warmth in her groin made her body tingle. It was the same feeling she would get when he would approach her after a game years ago. His voice was deep and commanding, one that she adored.

Once they had gone for a cup of coffee after a particularly wet and cold game. The diner was crowded and they had stood cramped in a corner within a hair’s breath from one another.That night as she lay next to her husband, she had repeatedly imagined moving her lips across the two-inch divide that had separated them in the steamy, noisy diner.

The dark of the night cancelled out the steel blue of his eyes but she could nonetheless feel them boring into her now. “So how did you know it was me and what brings you out here this time of night?” she asked.

“I recognized your dog. I can’t think of many owners who walk their dogs as often as you do. I always see you when I’m driving back over the causeway on my way home from work. I just saw you two heading down toward the beach and, well, I thought it would do me good to take a little walk myself.” He casually kicked his foot into the primeval stones beneath him. “Isn’t it kind of late for a beautiful woman like you to be walking out alone?”

“I have a dog, remember?”

“Right, the one that just didn’t bark when I approached you and is now oblivious to everything but that piece of driftwood covered in seaweed he just found over there.”

“Still a wise ass, eh?” She noted that they had lapsed into the same flirtatious bantering from years ago on the sidelines of games. Once she had brought her dog to the game and watched in horror as he ran out onto the field amidst a play. Fortunately he had disrupted the opposing team’s offense.

His voice sounded like it always did, but in the darkness she thought she could see his body saying something very different. It made her remember again how closely together they had stood in the diner years ago – the jostling people around them an excuse to be in such near proximity. They stared into one another’s eyes as they sipped their coffee.

The sound of drums carried down to the beach from the local high school football game. She loved the drums, like no other instrument; they could reach down inside and yank those inhibitions out. Which is perhaps why she found herself reaching out and hugging this man almost a stranger to her. “I am so sorry about Jason. He was a great kid.”

Harris stood rigid and then let out a choked gasp that came from somewhere very deep inside. His voice sounded far away now. “Thank you. He was in the wrong place at the right time”. She reached up and touched her fingers gently to his lips. “Shhhhh. It’s OK” He stood silent again. After a moment, she put her mouth up to his ear. “You didn’t get out of your car for sympathy, did you? You came down here for something else.”

She felt an almost imperceptible nod against her cheek .Slowly, she took his hand in hers and led him up to the sea wall. On such a calm night it seemed hard to imagine that this wall could take such a beating during a storm. There were pit marks all along its surface from the rocks and ocean debris that had been hurled madly against it.

She leaned against the cool concrete facing him. “This is just between you and me. Right here and right now,” she said. She could barely get the words out. “If you want to cry against my shoulder all night, you can. Or if you want to…” Her voice dropped and she could not say what her body ached to tell him.

Harris stood for a moment looking at her. She wasn’t dressed at her sexiest best but there were nonetheless things that she thought he would be pleased to discover if he chose to touch her in certain places. He moved slowly toward her until they both stood much closer than the proper distance between even good friends dictates. He lifted the bottom of her fleece sweatshirt and slipped his hand underneath. Already he had discovered what she felt sure his cold hands would appreciate. Between her and the polar fleece was only a silk undershirt. She wore no bra. His hand moved upward along the silky fabric that hugged her warm and still very trim body.

The shock of his cold hand made her skin tingle. “I’ve wanted you for so long, Thompson. There are so many things I’ve thought of doing to you….”As if to make his point, he squeezed the nipple of her breast between his index finger and thumb while with the other hand he deftly slid down the front of her stretch yoga pants and undies to thrust two fingers deep into her. She imagined his pleasure as his cold, calloused fingers found the inside of her warm and moist place. And now his lips finally crossed the few inches that had separated them in the diner. His tongue and hands completely pinned her against the sea wall. The hand at her breast moved upwards to her neck – his fingers gently reaching out to touch her lips.

She slid down the wall until she crouched in front of the warm bulge she found below his belt buckle. She looked up to the dark outline of his face. “Is this what you want?” He gently took her head in his hands and pressed it against the hard bulge in his pants. Unfastening his jeans, she pressed her cold cheek against the tip of his erection now free from its confinement. She bit gently down on the engorged flesh and ran her tongue along the length of his erection, caressing the vein. Harris leaned his palms against the wall and stationed his penis directly in front of her mouth. Slowly and deliberately, he pushed his penis inside her while Thompson tested her tongue along its surface. The hard wall hurt the back of her head as he pushed. But this was nothing, she thought to herself, compared to the hurt he must feel every waking hour. She couldn’t even imagine his pain. She relaxed the back of her throat so that his penis could thrust deeper. Harris obliged her and she groaned as he fucked her mouth.

She could feel his urgency growing – his thrusts quickening. As he drew back to plunge again into her mouth she caught his penis with her hand. “Come here you. You need to go deeper. You need some warmth.” She stood up and turned toward the wall. “Pull them down,” she instructed as she hooked her thumb into the back of her stretch pants. He latched his fingers onto the elastic waist on either side of her hips and pulled her pants down below her firm buttocks. This too she knew would please her lover. At forty-something she still had a fine ass. “Let me feel your skin,” she demanded. He raised both his shirt and hers to the chill of the night air and pressed his chest against her back. As his smooth skin warmed itself against hers, she could feel his hard penis splayed sideways across her buttocks.

He wasted no time in separating the cheeks of her ass wide with his hands to expose her anus and clit to the cold ocean air. The dry salty breeze sucked away the moisture of her arousal so that as he drove his penis into her, it took a moment for him to pierce through to the moist sponge awaiting his penetration. The sensation of him pounding her brought forth both tears of pain and budding spasms of orgasm. Each spasm tightened her channel so that as he penetrated her, her sinewy pussy squeezed against his penis – the tightness like a virgin fuck.

“Do you feel me coming?” she whispered. Waves of orgasm now rocked her insides. He grabbed her hips and thrust once more as deep as he could go. She felt him shudder as the first pulse of his cum shot inside of her. Three times more she could feel the pulsing release of his ejaculation. “I need this,” he whimpered as he collapsed forward against her back.

She squirmed around to face him, pulling his still warm pale chest against her tits and stomach. Already she had a vision of herself lying in bed later – her underwear still soaked with his wet cum – her fingers exploring the wetness inside of her. Harris reached up and cupped her head in his huge hands. In spite of their closeness, his eyes were still an inky black.
 
McKenna said:
Just a couple of things:

I thought the lead-up to the sex happened rather quickly; this discredits the believability for me. All she did was touch his lips and offer her body. A little tweaking, an extra paragraph or two about the subtle dance between two people maneuvering for an intimate exchange, and the transition would be much less jarring.

With a little more build-up and details, it would be a very credible piece.

And let's face it, an outdoor coupling -even in the cold- is still an erotic thing. Ever thought of pursuing (in more depth) the urgency of their need that led them to consumate their feelings outside, instead of finding a warmer, more comfortable place inside?
I agree, it needs more revising. It may need a few more paragraphs. As for details, they tend to bore the reader. Most people want to get to the juicy stuff.
As for being outside, I find it very erotic. How many stories involve sex outdoors? I aim for the unusual and alluring.
 
The transition from grief over the death of a son to hot casual sex is pretty damned difficult to make, and I don't think it works here. I understand that sex can be a life-affirming act, possibly even an antidote to grief (at least in fiction), but here the sex just seems too casual and rough. I just don't think you respond to a loss like that by dropping to your knees and giving someone a blow job.

Other than that, you write well. There are some lapses in machanics and some parts where the action could be a little clearer, as McKenna said. I hope you post these stories through the regular channels too though. Personally, I don't mind people posting short pieces here for criticism and review, but it shouldn't become a substitute for publishing them the normal way.

---dr.M.

P.S. Maybe I should take that back. The second story's not good, and there are big problems with the mechanics. You have two people talking in the same paragraph, you go from past tense to present tense from one paragraph to the next, and the format finally becomes almost unreadable here as it looks like one monolithic paragraph. It's hard to believe that the two stories are by the same author.
 
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dr_mabeuse said:
The transition from grief over the death of a son to hot casual sex is pretty damned difficult to make, and I don't think it works here. I understand that sex can be a life-affirming act, possibly even an antidote to grief (at least in fiction), but here the sex just seems too casual and rough.
it takes effort to understand the situation or the characters involved.
Maybe some of the mechanics are flawed but these are 2 people who know each other. Its not like they are strangers who just move to sex after meeting for the first time. Besides, fiction doesn't have to be believable, hence the term "fiction".
 
Another DeSade hit and run!

Some things for ya:
  • Grow some skin (Moron).
  • Plot! <-- learn what that is and, more specifically, how to develop it.
  • Character development is a beautiful thing. You should try it sometime.
  • Fiction MUST be plausible. Dr. M is correct, yours is not. But we've been through this. Though I'm sure with your rave reviews from your best bud in the publishing biz and your mother you don't need to believe the little peons here at Lit. After all, you are The Greatest Writer To Ever Grace The Face Of The Planet With Your Presence, are you not?
 
Scott X said:
it takes effort to understand the situation or the characters involved.
Maybe some of the mechanics are flawed but these are 2 people who know each other. Its not like they are strangers who just move to sex after meeting for the first time. Besides, fiction doesn't have to be believable, hence the term "fiction".


Dear ScottX or DeSade

I don't like to work. So when you insist that I expend effort on your stories, I need to understand what it is that makes yours that much more worthy than some others I've read. As my location on my profile shows, I'm just "waiting for enlightenment".
 
ah yes, the "perfect" KM had to respond. How goes the editing career? How many credentials do you have now? KM, my stories have char. development and plots. I have posted some UN-revised works. This means they are not finished because I want feedback before continuing. Try to enlighten me instead of showing prejudice. Your feedback is brimming w/ hostility.

champagne, EVERY story I've ever read required some effort on the readers part. That is what makes reading challenging. The author is not obligated to hold your hand and lead you along.
You can ask another author and they will tell you the same thing.
 
Scott X said:
it takes effort to understand the situation or the characters involved.
Maybe some of the mechanics are flawed but these are 2 people who know each other. Its not like they are strangers who just move to sex after meeting for the first time. Besides, fiction doesn't have to be believable, hence the term "fiction".

Fiction should be belivable the only thing that makes it fiction is that it's made up or seprate from reality. Sci-fi is fiction but I don't want some half assed plot with a spaceship thrown haphazardly in, I want to believe it within the context of the story.
 
All bow to his magnificence, the great one!

Mr. DeSade:
You can change your username but you cannot change the emptiness that lies behind it.
 
Re: All bow to his magnificence, the great one!

hiddenself said:
Mr. DeSade:
You can change your username but you cannot change the emptiness that lies behind it.
care to elaborate on that and tell me who you are ?
 
another story, as yet unfinished

Marok’s Affair

Marok stood at the south deck, observing the workers in the valley, hauling out piles of Zithmosian gems. Her father imprisoned her in the room since she tried to sabotage the mine operation by planting bombs that supposedly contained the deadly Bisol virus.

Her father, King Vequin, owned the mines which many depended on. One of his clients, Amahros, was a frequent visitor. The king invited Amahros into the main living quarters . They sat down to drink and discuss business. Amahros bought the gems to convert them into fuel for his people of Berrik. Marok came down to get a better view of the well dressed Amahros. He was slender, 6’3” with black eyes and must have been 60 (33 in human years).

“I am Marok and have wanted to meet you for some time now”
“Amahros turned in his chair and looked her over. King Vequin frowned at his daughter and lead her outside the cell to scold her.
Later on, Amahros inquired why the king hid away such a charming young lady. “Keep your mind on the gems. You don’t want your people to be angry due to your curiosity” the king replied, tilting his head, showing an evil gleam in his eyes.

Amahros knew the king went down to inspect the mines every 8 days so he planned to sneak into the tower and met his daughter. The dashing businessman entered through a portal in the back and took the elevator up to the young girls den. She was on her red canopied bed, looking out the window at the mountains.
“Amahros” she cried in delight. “You finally worked up the nerve to visit me”
“I want to get to know you better. Your father tries to protect you from the world.”
He said, taking his jacket off. “I can only stay for a few moments, he’ll be coming back”
Amahros sat down on her bed and kissed her cheek. “Why did you try to sabotage the mines?” he asked. She looked down and offered “to put my father out of business.” He understood the hurt. She felt ignored.
“Lets forget about past events. I want to have fun” she continued. The young girl unraveled her robe and stood before me naked, ready for my touch. She walked over and pulled at his cloak. He unhooked the clasp and exposed his bare chest.
Her fingers ran through his stiff hair as she gazed into his otherworldly eyes.
Amahros lifted her up, his hands under her robust velvety ass. “Marok, I want to take you to my home but if I do, I can no longer do trade with your father.
I have my people to think about.”

“Business always takes priority.” She replied in a chilly tone. He grabbed her arm as she turned away. “I can figure out a way we can be together” Amahros said, confidently. They kissed and fell back onto her bed, rolling around and ignoring the fact that the king would return. He spread her legs and caressed her pussy with his deft tongue while holding onto her bronzed legs. She changed position and deep throated him while laying on her back. He massaged her firm tits, squeezing the incredibly hard nipples.

If she left on her own free will, the king could not break the contract with him. It was decided she would leave the next day, without suspicion regarding her lover.
That night King Vequin tallied up the gem loads as usual while his daughter prepared for a lengthy journey to Berrik, the nearest planet. Amahros waited for her outside his dome.



When she arrived, she hid the pod behind rocks and went inside. Her older lover was sitting on the deck, drinking a concoction and reading from a manual. She walked up and tore it from his grasp. “I’ve been without you for nearly 20 hours. You know what I am craving” Marok stated. Amahros lead her to a dimly lit loft and turned on proper mood music. This particular section of his abode overlooked a crater and sand dunes.
He disrobed and stroked his cock in preparation for her mouth. She complied enthusiastically, taking him into her mouth and pumping her tongue along his length. He twisted his head back and groaned with pleasure. She felt him swell ever so slightly more. She grabbed him and slid her hand up and down him while she licked him. She could feel her teeth rubbing against his swollen skin, but surmised that he must not have cared, because he seemed to have abandoned himself to the fantastic feelings she was giving him. 'I'll choke if I take him any further,” she thought while admiring his hairless grey cock.
She slid her hand down to his balls. Carefully, she guided him into her mouth until he was pressed against the constricted entrance to her throat. It seemed that was the limit, but the horny traders daughter continued to press gently, testing herself. Squeezing her fingers in rhythmical throbs, she pushed her tongue against him harder, urging him to orgasm. His steady rolling became frenzied bucking. He roared thunderously and pulsed hard inside her mouth. His come spilled into her, warm and creamy and tasting of sweet spice,. She sucked and swallowed to keep it from overflowing down her face everywhere. As it hit her stomach, her body instantly warmed all over, especially between her legs. Amahros gasped and panted, then pushed her up his body so that he could see her without moving his head. She snuggled into his chest and kissed his neck. He pressed up against her mouth and flicked his tongue between her lips, kissing her tenderly. They had never kissed like this before. It was wonderful. His tongue was so soft and warm and gently pressing.
Amahros flexed his hips into her and was immediately thrust all the way inside her. They gasped in unison. Marok moaned and laid the rest of her body flat, hugging him to her with both arms and legs. Amahros grinded up into her, her nipples rubbing up and down his flesh. He felt huge inside her and touched her all the way back, the dull pain from that entirely overwritten by her immense arousal and gratification. Marok moaned and screamed and bit him, overcome with the sensations rolling through her.
Meanwhile, back in the lair of Vequin, the king was convinced his daughter escaped with his former trade partner. He sent out patrol troops to Berrik with the strict instruction of killing Amahros but bringing back the corpse.
All troop pods were annihilated by Amahros, using his sound gun on the deck. When news came back of the counter attack, the king went to find his daughter by himself, disguised as a former partner of Amahros, known as DM5, an outlaw on all planets.

*I have a problem coming up w/ titles and characters. What source should I use for ideas?
 
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