A sonnet...well sort of

[ruby_my_dear]

This is my first poetry post. I welcome feedback but please be gentle.
I say sort of because the cdd edd ending may not meet the classic form.
I used *-* to denote the words, phrases I'm still not quite happy with and searching for that "right" word.
___________________
The fire dances behind your icy stare.
I close my eyes, await the dreaded sound
Of your displeasured sigh as I am bound.
My tears held back now wet my hair.

To fail again! I worry in dispair
You'll leave me here alone and never found.
Fear *steals* my breath; my forehead finds the ground.
Moments pass. Time stops. Are you even there?

I arch my back and offer in remorse
To wash away my sins, the gift of pain
At last, I hear the swift approaching cane.

I welcome each correction from your hand.
Again, again, the *blows* upon me rain.
Then: "Hush. It's done". I'm gathered home again.

ruby

 

[bronzeage]

I like the voice in this piece. It's very clear who is speaking and why. I think the third section should be worked into two separate stanzas. There is a conflict in the imagery when you use cane in L10 and hand in L11. There is a great difference in a caning and a spanking.

 

[greenmountaineer]

I think "steals" is fine. The problem with "blows" is there aren't many choices in plural subject nouns with one syllable when you use "rain" as a verb, and while I suppose rain can blow, I agree it's not an effective line because of "blows" in it.

You might want to re-work the line and end it with the noun "domain.". It has a bit of a BDSM inference to it, and I think the choices in verbs to use preceding it are greater because you are describing an action, and verbs, of course, are words of action.

"Dispair" should be "despair."

 

[ruby_my_dear]

Thank you both for your much appreciated feedback. (and spell check !)
ruby

 

[twelveoone]

This is my first poetry post. I welcome feedback but please be gentle.
I say sort of because the cdd edd ending may not meet the classic form.
I used *-* to denote the words, phrases I'm still not quite happy with and searching for that "right" word.
___________________
The fire dances behind your icy stare.
I close my eyes, await the dreaded sound
Of your displeasured sigh as I am bound.
My tears held back now wet my hair.

To fail again! I worry in dispair
You'll leave me here alone and never found.
my breath; my forehead finds the ground.
Moments pass. Time stops. Are you even there?

I arch my back and offer in remorse
To wash away my sins, the gift of pain
At last, I hear the swift approaching cane.

I welcome each correction from your hand.
Again, again, the *blows* upon me rain.
Then: "Hush. It's done". I'm gathered home again.

ruby

whaa?
please be gentle? and you're writing S n M? Disconnect.

Again, again, the *blows* upon me rain.

I was going to object, but in the context, works fine

suggest "seals" instead of Fear *steals* , just one step away from the expected cliche.
I like GMM's suggestion of "domain", again in the context of the poem...

Now off to watch Spanky and Our Gang, just to see if I missed something.