A snidbit i am working on

[kittziekat]

sorry but had to take it down

 

[drksideofthemoon]

First, thank you in advance for taking the time to look this over.
I am working on my very first story and have some parts done. I have this scene that I am putting in and will likely rewrite to put in the first person because it seems a lil dry without more inner dialog. I was wondering what you all think of it, please keep in mind I am adding more and this is just a section so you don't have the plot line over all. I am still having issues with the redundant feel of the "he", "his", "hers", etc. Also worried about the entire thing being too long ...

Billy finds Mel sitting on the bed after her shower with only a black towel wrapping her. Her legs bent so her feet are on the bed and he can just make out that she has been freshly shaven. Her hair is wet and partly in her face. Mel smiles and looks up into his eyes as he enters the room in silence, staring at her. She beckons for him with a curl of her finger and a soft breath from her parted lips.

Billy crawls onto the bed and starts kissing her toes, lightly and ever so slowly works his way up her legs. The kisses are sweet and tickle just a little as he flicks his tongue over her smooth skin every now and then. As he works his way up, his hands are on her, resolutely, rubbing the back of her calves then up towards her thighs.

As he gets to her knees he tries to pull them apart, but she playfully resists with a devious smile. He then leans towards her to whisper in her ear, “there is punishment for your games”.

She giggles and sneaks in a slap of his ass as they kiss. Softly at first grazing the lips gently, then she licks his and he takes her tongue into his mouth. She spanks him again, and he pulls back, eyes glistening.

“I warned you,” he teases, as he twists her up on her knees.

The towel falls from her body and he admires her. She loves being admired, and he knows it. She arches her ass up and turns too look at him while she is on all fours.

“Have I been bad,” she says.

Billy chuckles and rubs his hands over her ass and back. She crawls to be over his lap and bites at his neck as she passes. He spanks her, and she gets wetter each time he does it. He mixes the spanks with teasing her clit and the opening of her pussy.

She moans for him, "touch me deeper", her body begging for more.

Inserting his finger into her as she lets out a soft cry he says, "Do you need more?"

She lowers her chest so her tits graze against his hardening cock and he awards her with another finger. “More,” she whimpers, “please.”

Mel's breathing is heavy and her juices begin to trickle over his hand. He removes his fingers to let her taste them; she licks hungrily at them. Then he tastes them as well; she is sweet and smooth.

"Do you want more," he teases, "How much can you take for me?"

"Please fill me up," she says as she looks up with a pout.

Billy then fingers her small pussy with three, his pinky out rubbing her clit, and his thumb pushing on her ass. She pushes hard against them and leans low so she can mouth his hardened cock through his boxers. He feels her muscles tightening.

"That’s it Mel, baby, do it for me, I wanna see you cum all over my hand!" he commands as he pushes harder.

She is writhing now as she fucks his fingers. She feels ashamed for the display but cannot stop herself. She is trying as best she can to push his fingers into her deeper, to feel more. She twists her hips and pushes back against him as she orgasms, the first of many for the night.

Out of breath, she kisses his lips and neck, and pushes him down on the bed, working down his chest with her tongue. She sucks and bites at his nipples; he watches and plays with her breasts while she does.

"Take them off for me," he says, and she eagerly slips his boxers off and leans down to his cock. He positions her so that he may taste her cum as she begins to lick at him. She holds him in one hand and mouths the tip, licking at it quickly, then she massages his balls as she take the whole thing into her mouth pushing her lips tight against him. She works her tongue and mouth hard, and her moans vibrate against him. She loves sucking him off and it shows. She moans harder as she tastes his precum, almost sending him over the edge, but he holds back.
"Not yet love."

Billy grabs Mel strongly by the waist and lays her on her back as he moves over her. Sweetly brushing her hair out of her face, he looks into her beautiful eyes. She looks lovingly back up at him as he enters her. She gasps and barely audibly whispers that she loves his cock; she wants to be full of him. He is going to make this last.

Slowly, he draws in and out of her letting her feel every inch of him. Her flesh is glistening with her sweat, as she begs him for more. She holds his back and tries to pull him closer as she tightens around his cock. He opens her legs into a straddle holding on to the inside of her knees as he pushes into her deeper and faster. She cannot help the screams escaping her lips, she says his name, and begs for him to cum with her. She stares intensely into his eyes she starts to cum. He gives her her wish and joins her.

I don't know what to say, other than you need to put a space between your paragraphs for reading online, that way it just doesn't look like a jumble of text.

Too much of it was narrated where dialog could have been used much more effectively. I agree with you, there are way too many sentences starting with He, She etc...

 

[ninefe2dg]

First, thank you in advance for taking the time to look this over.
I am working on my very first story and have some parts done. I have this scene that I am putting in and will likely rewrite to put in the first person because it seems a lil dry without more inner dialog. I was wondering what you all think of it, please keep in mind I am adding more and this is just a section so you don't have the plot line over all. I am still having issues with the redundant feel of the "he", "his", "hers", etc. Also worried about the entire thing being too long ...

I don't think it's too long, but agree there's a lot of he/she sentences. I also agree some inner dialogue would help. How could we experience the scene from either his or her perspective (whomever you choose may depend on what the larger story is about).

I'd hate to say the scene sounds "ordinary", but it does read like other stories I've seen. What can you do to differentiate it? Are there any underlying motivations? Maybe that's easier to answer, again, in the context of the larger story.

Any way you could get us to experience the sex, perhaps leave some of it to our imagination, rather than have it told to us, would be great.

Welcome to the board, best of luck

 

[_Lynn_]

As drk pointed out you need to make this into paragraphs that we can read better.

I struggled to get past the giggles, chuckles and have I been bad parts.

Yes, there are too many he/she/his/hers. Try to mix up your sentences more to lose some of them.

Work dialogue in. Let your characters tell the story.

The part I read was very similar to hundreds of other stories. I lost interest.

 

[tickledkitty]

I think I would put this in past tense before doing anything else. It's awkward and hard to read in present tense.

Billy found Mel sitting on the bed after her shower with only a black towel wrapped around her body. With her legs bent so her feet were on the bed, he could just make out that she had been freshly shaven. Wet hair partly covering her face, she smiled and looked into his eyes as he entered the room in silence, staring at her. Beckoning to him with a curl of her finger and a soft breath from her parted lips...

Easier to read that way? I mixed up some of the sentences too, so that they were not all beginning with he or she, etc. I'm still learning too, so I'm not the best at this, but I think you'll get the idea.

So, get it all into past tense, separate the paragraphs, mix up some of wording so the sentences don't all begin the same way, and then let's see it again.

 

[kittziekat]

thank you all. As i said I wanted to change much of it to begin wit. It is nice to see the agreement from you about my thoughts. I think it will work in the past tense too. thanks again.
-k

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

Just a Thought

Hi,

I don't know if you're closed to further suggestions, but I just wanted to add that the story seems very choppy. There is a big lack of transitional phrases to take you from one sentence to the next, one idea to the next, etc.