A simple question.

[magichandslee]

I would like to know the answer.

I currently relate to a man who is a bit younger, obviously wealthy, likes me, or at least seems to.

I am a true neophite with relationships.

I write my stories as the happen, unknown to the man I am currently seeing.

My feelings are he needs to know about me before, and now.

Those of you who have an idea, please advise!

So far the relationship has been wonderful, to the point of interfering with my day to day life.

I am 51, I am no young fresh body, am I just being silly and being taken advantage of by a younger man who is having fun?

I admit to being a tiny bit frightened. I am vulnerable right now.

Lee

 

[A7inchPhildo]

That is not always the case. As I have dated younger and older and have taken advantage in both directions (meaning for personal needs/wants)and also have been taken advantage of.

Wait that don't look right. Whatever, it means the same thing!

Age difference does not give a reason to be scheptical. Who the person is and what the long terms goals of that person are. Would be a better place to look for some reassurance and security.

 

[shereads]

When you ask if you're being taken advantage of, what do you mean? That he's just having fun and you are hoping for more?

 

[gauchecritic]

What's wrong with being taken advantage of?

When I was a lad I took advantage of a woman 16 years my senior, she also took advantage of me, and told me as much. We were both in it for the sex. (very good sex). As it happens we loved each other too, though we weren't in love.

I'll hazard a guess that, that isn't what your relationship is about though.

Your question isn't a new one, just that it usually comes from teens (of either sex) How can I be sure my feelings are reciprocated? The short answer is: You can't.

The long answer needs more detail than I'm sure you would be willing to give except to a close friend.

Even with that detail I think my advice would probably be much the same as now. Take your time.
I'm sure there must be some statistical evidence somewhere that will tell you the average length of relationships at particular ages. Then you would be able to say "Well, we have lasted longer than that already so there must be something there." The touble with statistics is that they are statistics and inapplicable to single people.

This post may last forever.

Asking the general populace at Lit. looks to me like you at least think of some of us as friends, which is a nice feeling for me at least. But that's beside the point.

Amateur psychology time.
Especially with regard to relationships and using the word advice usually indicates a need for agreement. He being "obviously wealthy", liking you, having a wonderful relationship (so far) and "a younger man" are arguements for. The arguements against are your "being a neophyte", "51", having your day to day life interfered with, "silly", "vulnerable" and "frightened".

1) If he is in his 40s then as a professional I'm sure you know about mid-life crises.

2) The things for, which I listed, are also things against in your mind.

3) The list against are things which give you less control of yourself.

This is where I would normally, in a face to face conversation, get Freudian and start asking about your sex life. But this is a public forum and I have no psychiatry training. (funnily enough, you probably have, so you can ask yourself those questions.)

Anyway, this all boils down to the question "Will I be hurt?" This is The question that everyone asks in a great many areas, not least of which is relationships.

The short answer is "Yes." How deeply or how soon is probably unanswerable. So now the question becomes "Are you willing to take the risk?"

My advice to that question is: If you want to stay safe, how can you know joy? An oldie but a beauty.

Having just reread your post I see another question, maybe what you wanted to know in the first place, in that case, forget all of the above.

New Question.

We can make a go of our relationship but he doesn't know my secret life as a writer of erotica. Should I tell him?

Well if he doesn't like it now, he won't like it any better later. Just ease him in gently.

Gauche

 

[whispering_surrender]

I have to agree with Gauche. He said what I wanted to....just better. *sigh*

I did want to add one tiny thing though. In my current relationship, we did all the good, bad and the ugly revalations very early on. We were pleasantly surprised that once they were out in the open, we could move on and create new, and happier memories together. Some of those discussions were painful, tearful, and DAMN hard to have, but left us without the nagging worry of "some dark secret" coming out later on.

Best of luck to you.

Whisp

 

[Guest]

Hi Lee, I recall you from other posts so let's talk as friends. I'm 57 btw, and once had a lover much younger (20+ years when I was 46) than me, and a few others several years younger. Frankly I think most people feel like a neophyte in any new relationship, and are always vulnerable when someone manages to gain entrance to their heart. If you didn't feel like you do now you wouldn't be human.

Your questions and statements are all a bit vague to me, but the main thing missing is a clue re. how you two communicate. From memory: Oscar Wilde is spot on when he says that "communication" is the foundation for any relationship. You must be able to talk to each other about anything. You can preface it with a statement about fear or love or desires, but don't hide anything crucial to who you are; you won't be able to keep up the deceit. If you can't manage to be forthright, then think about what that means.

Hope I don't sound too all-knowing, I'm not. I still get insecure as hell over relationships and generally feel on tenterhooks with men. So what else is new?

best to you,

Perdita