A shot at poetry, be gentle. lol

[Carl East]

Hi good people, how's things in your parts of the world.

Anyhow, I just wrote a poem and although I'm not known for my poetry I thought it was pretty cool. (Do people still say that. LOL)
Apart from the fact that this poem is short, does it have any merit what so ever? Your opinions are appreciated, good or bad.

The Female Form

The skin is soft to the touch, yet it feels with a lust of its own
The stroke of a single finger, can often make a woman moan
The fairness of her gorgeous hair, will alight your eyes so brightly
And when she's naked and standing there, you'll believe in god almighty.

Carl

 

[WickedEve]

Not bad. Perhaps you could use metaphors. Compare the female form to something else. Think of something you've seen in the past week that reminded you of the female form, then write down the details: colors, shapes, sounds, etc. For example (but don't use this. it's totally worn out) you're driving on a winding road, the tires tracing the curves, hugging the soft shoulder of the road, etc. But please think of something much more original. Also, give it a try without the rhyme.

 

[tarablackwood22]

Not bad. Perhaps you could use metaphors. Compare the female form to something else. Think of something you've seen in the past week that reminded you of the female form, then write down the details: colors, shapes, sounds, etc. For example (but don't use this. it's totally worn out) you're driving on a winding road, the tires tracing the curves, hugging the soft shoulder of the road, etc. But please think of something much more original. Also, give it a try without the rhyme.

Ditto.

 

[tungtied2u]

Hi good people, how's things in your parts of the world.

Anyhow, I just wrote a poem and although I'm not known for my poetry I thought it was pretty cool. (Do people still say that. LOL)
Apart from the fact that this poem is short, does it have any merit what so ever? Your opinions are appreciated, good or bad.

The Female Form

The skin is soft to the touch, yet it feels with a lust of its own
The stroke of a single finger, can often make a woman moan
The fairness of her gorgeous hair, will alight your eyes so brightly
And when she's naked and standing there, you'll believe in god almighty.

Carl

You're a brave man Carl!

I am not a great fan of end of line rhyme, unless it promotes the mood of the piece. However I think internal rhyming can be very effective in creating a flow.
Also I think trimming excess words can enhance the impotant words.
Hope you find this useful. I like what you're saying, just seems a bit diluted. Good luck with the poetry. I find it very challenging and rewarding.

 

[Guinevere]

Hi Carl, I like your poem, it makes no difference to me if they rhyme or not, after all the greatest poets did a lot of that