A short poem to review.

[Ohahhhh]

I've written a bit of nonerotic poem, and this is my first one that is sexual in nature. It's a bit obtuse I guess. Maybe it's just bad. Anyone mind giving me some feedback? It is a bit biblical (seeming) and if it isn't clear, draws the comparison between the Tower Of Babel and the penis. Here goes:

Babel

Built from bricks of Sin.
In affront to Him.
As we have built it together
We must consume it together
Reach into the heavens
Pleasure, plunge into them.
Pillage, rape
Devastate.
It cannot resist.
And gluttony will fell the monolith.
Every thrust beats me closer to the Maker.
My body, the feast that calms all beasts.
Tiny spirits evacuating, squeezing, screaming, bursting, clinging.
The tower slumps in muddy, viscious wads of life
Genocide in the name of God.
Thy will is done
Of lust and cum.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The second line first word might sound better as 'An'
The thirteenth line is all gerunds (ing words) and take it from this gerund whore one or two 'ings' you can get away with but that many is rather a no no!

 

[Palba_Noruda]

I've written a bit of nonerotic poem, and this is my first one that is sexual in nature. It's a bit obtuse I guess. Maybe it's just bad. Anyone mind giving me some feedback? It is a bit biblical (seeming) and if it isn't clear, draws the comparison between the Tower Of Babel and the penis. Here goes:

Babel

Built from bricks of Sin.
In affront to Him.
As we have built it together
We must consume it together
Reach into the heavens
Pleasure, plunge into them.
Pillage, rape
Devastate.
It cannot resist.
And gluttony will fell the monolith.
Every thrust beats me closer to the Maker.
My body, the feast that calms all beasts.
Tiny spirits evacuating, squeezing, screaming, bursting, clinging.
The tower slumps in muddy, viscious wads of life
Genocide in the name of God.
Thy will is done
Of lust and cum.

I think this is very well done. I'm not sure what you mean by obtuse.

It's certainly not bad.

The rhymes are beautiful. Resist and monolith? Who knew?
I had no problems with the -ing words, I like repetition like that. In fact, one of the definitions of obtuse is "rounded off at the extremity", if this line is the extremity of the poem, the repeated "g" acts to round off each word.

It's a challenging poem. I've read it several times and I've looked up the tower of babel. It's a nice metaphor. It got me to thinking about how tall buildings are very energetic projects and the energy to get one done must come from somewhere.

Like what's the guy who builds the world's tallest building getting out of it? Probably the same thing some general is getting when he marches his army across a battlefield. Sexual metaphors, or the sexualization of actions, or the expression or symbolization of the sexual, these are endlessly fascinating subjects and I think this poem gets into it very well.