A serious, non-sexual question

[Hullo_nurse]

I know this may not be the proper forum for this, but I have come to trust you all & value your opinions. I'm having a difficult time with my significant other. He has a WICKED temper & can get violent towards inanimate objects...slamming doors, smashing computer monitors into the wall, banging his head against the wall...to the point htat when we fought last night I was actually scared for the first time in our 5 yrs together. What do I do? I have asked him to go to counseling (like anger management) but he refuses, saying that I am making him feel like he is crazy. He also has an awful habit of spending more than we make. I am at my wits end. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

 

[Butterfly]

becareful!!!!I'm talking from experience I was an abused wife with my 1st husband. If he won't go to counseling you can go on the basis of your fear. Of course he really needs to go, like you said anger management just remember it isn't going to go away maybe when he is in a good mood you can bring up together counseling or just group therapy sometimes helps. again please becareful it seems that for the first time you had a fear that he may strike you instead of inanimate objects it could happen. if you need to talk please feel free to e-mail me I know I'm new to the group but you all are great. Well spending more than you have can make him edgy but like you said he does it again counseling is the best and until he can admit that he has the problem. It may take the grand jester of you leaving for him to wake up but that is something you have to decide on your own.

[This message has been edited by butterfly (edited 11-23-1999).]

 

[MzAdvizd]

God be with you, Hullo_Nurse, and help you to make good decisions.

 

[Slutgirl]

I'm with Butterfly on this one, Nurse. I, too, was an abused wife for seven years. And it started with inanimate objects, but he eventually tired of those and turned on me. They were the worst years of my life. My advice is a little different. If he won't get help, you can NOT do it for him. The best course of action for you may be just to get out before it gets even uglier than it has. You didn't mention if you had children, I hope not, for your sake, but if so, PLEASE think of them. If not, think of yourself, you are worth it!

 

[Tuxman]

As a member in good standing, and a male who has absolutely NO experience whatsoever with this topic, I want to make a stand that this is certainly a fine place for your question. (Perhaps even under GENERAL BOARD).
Assuming all things we say and advice we give through these boards is valid, then you have a legitimate situation that could, perhaps, be eased through your contacts here.
It is my opinion that Laurel AND their ISP would find that to be quite constructive, and a nice side-benefit to this site.
Not that anyone wants this to turn into Dr. Laurel's Self Help Literotica, but I have no personal objections to you and your question and following posts.
Just for the record.
Best of luck to you .. the advice around here is free and I am glad you 'trust' us, but remember, only YOU know your situation, we only "know" what we get from your view.
Get advice here, but seek PROFESSIONAL help if you truly feel threatened or otherwise deem it important enough.
Cheers to you & have a warm and peaceful Thanksgiving.

Tuxman

[This message has been edited by Tuxman (edited 11-24-1999).]

 

[Butterfly]

Kudos Tuxman! Nice to hear that from a males point of view. again becareful hullo nurse.

 

[*Eve*]

Sweetie,
This may not be what you want to hear but I'm going to say it anyway. Get out of that relationship now. I know that you have invested time in that relationship and that you love him, but take it from me when I say that unless he realizes that he has a problem and seeks help, he will not change. I am not just talking out of my ass so please listen to what I have to say.
A few years ago, I was with someone who was quite violent. He would pick fights with other people, when he got mad, he would hit the wall, throw things, etc. I didn't really say anything about it because he wasn't violent with me, but one day he was. He almost choked me to death, and I really thought I might die that day. It took him nearly killing me to open my eyes.
Recently I lost a very close friend to a guy who was just as violent. I would hate that something similar happen to you.
I'm not saying that something like that will happen to you for certain, but the potential is there and there's more than half a chance that he could become violent with you. Give him an ultimatum: Either he gets help or you will leave him. It may seem harsh but for your own piece of mind, it may be your only course of action.
Eve

 

[Jenne64]

Hullo nurse, I've been there too. I agree with the views that have already been posted here. It sounds from your post that you have already recognised the problem for yourself. At least you haven't waited like i and so many others do. He might change, maybe it's me. I'm sure those phrases will ring bells with other posters. Eve I agree with you get out now. Before you lose your confidence, self esteem and everything else you once valued.
I've been there, it's taken 12 years for me to rebiuld my life and become confident again. It takes strengh to leave I know that better than anyone but look at this way where do you see yourself in 10 years. As a punchbag for a man that can't deal with his anger any other way and won't get help a woman stripped of self esteem and confidence or a woman who's moved on and kept all the above good points intact?

I can't tell you what to do and I'm not about to try!! Just think about it thats all. If he won't get help believe me he won't ever change and you will never change him. It will just become your problem not his or that's the way he will see it.
I hope this helps and if you want to e mail me feel free.

Jenne64

 

[Guest]

I dont know if I have sound advice or not, but I do believe the right thing to do is get out before it is too late. when I was in high school, my favorite teacher was killed by her husband because she didnt get home in time to fix dinner. I know that is extreme, but we all loved her and some of even about the abuse. She asked us not to say anything. To this day it still Hard for me to handle. I dont know if your situation will ever get to that point,I truly hope not. Reading posts you have put on this site tell me that you are a strong woman with a level head. Use your best judgement, as Tuxman said, only you know the actual circumstances. Please dont be a statistic..Good Luck and please get help.

[This message has been edited by bigbuck (edited 11-24-1999).]

 

[Marco]

I'm new here, but, wow...what a bitter story. I must say that life's too short (cliche) to stay where you are. You, heck, we all deserve the best we can have. You deserve no less, dear. Go and find your destiny because you can bet that where you are is not where you're supposed to be. You've simply made a slight detour. Now, get back on the road. All the best, luv.

 

[Rodrigo]

Be very careful Hullo. I think your husband has crossed a line. The things you are describing seem to indicate to me a man who is very close to a breakdown. I like you Hullo, and I don't want to see you get hurt, the actions your husband is taking worry me. You and I have kidded around in the past, but I'm being as honest as I can, I think you should extricate yourself from the situation for awhile. Be careful, Nurse, be very careful, and good luck.

 

[Richo90]

I wish I had an answer for you Hullo_nurse, but I do not, sorry! It may not mean much (as I am a male), but I feel very sad to read that so many of you had violent partners...I just don't understand how a fellow male could harm their lover.

We can only hope that things workout for you, as I like reading your comments and hate to see you stop.

Good Luck and All the best!!

 

[Hullo_nurse]

THank you all for your heart-felt responses. I, like many silly women, have decided to try to work it out with him. I learned many things from his sister today that make me understand where he learned all this behavior. As they say, abusers are usually ones who have been abused. He has agreed to talk to a friend of ours who is a social worker for starters. Knowing what I know now I can't walk out on him. I'll keep you informed, if you care to know. ANd again, THANK YOU!!!

 

[Butterfly]

hullo-nurse good-luck! If he's agreed to talk to anyone that is the step in the right direction for him at least he is thinking or admitting that he is in need for help. You take care and please keep me posted and I'm looking forward to your new storie. Your a great writer I enjoy your stories. again Take Care and good luck I hope it works out for you.

 

[Oral_X]

Sorry for not replying earlier, Hullo_nurse get the hell out of that so-called relationship. I know it takes two to tango but violence is never a solution. These tendencies of violence are usually do to a severe lack of understanding that in turn causes frustration and so-forth into an evening of violence. It’s nice to know that you have many people in cyberspace, which will provide support without judgement. Take care, remember you have friends out there.

To use a cliché ( and I do think this is very apt )

We are not alone

 

[Hullo_nurse]

doo-di-doo-da-de-da-doo-doo-doo-
doo-di-doo-da-de-da-doo-doo-doo-

doo-do-doo-do-doo-doo

(hum it with me.....)

The truth is out there.

[This message has been edited by hullo_nurse (edited 11-28-1999).]

 

[XXplorher]

; )

A classic!

 

[Hullo_nurse]

I just want to thank you all again for everything. Things have gotten much better here. I think it is because he knows that if he even starts to become violent again I will leave him. I made it perfectly clear. He is seeking help & I think he will make an effort to save our marriage.
Laurel, I am comfortable with you locking this topic, if you so choose.

Thank you everyone!!

 

[Guest]

I am just a passerby so I hope that you don't mind my making a comment. I have spent the last 12 years with an abuser. We have children which makes it hard. I wish I had your courage. It took a lot of guts to ask for help and advise from your friends at this site. I am proud of you. I suffer alone and tell no one. He has never bruised my face although he has hit me in the face once. He hits where it is easy for me to hide. I am too ashamed to tell anyone. For years I thought it was me and something I had done. But now I know better. I know that the smart thing to do would be to leave him, but I have the children to consider. They love their dad very much and he does not hit me in front of them. Yes, he too was abused by his father as a child and saw his father use abuse to control others as well as himself. But this is no excuse for his behavior. And it is no excuse for your husband either. A lot of people are abused as children and grow up to be good responsible adults. I can't leave for financial reasons, but I can put up with anything for my children. I am going to change things though. I have went back to college and am taking night classes and I have some secret money saved up. When I get my degree (in one year) and I have more money saved up, I am going to leave him. I told him after he punched and beat me this weekend that that was it and that if he did it again I would take our children and leave. I meant it. But it is still hard. I don't get hit everyday, just about once every two or three weeks, sometimes only once a month. Usually it is not a bad beating just a slap, punch, or a kick. But it is getting worse. This past weekend was the worst. Look, what I am trying to say is do it before you have kids and while you have a good job. GET OUT!! Don't wait 12 years and be a fool like I am. He might change for a while, but trust me, it doesn't last. Please get out now. I know that I might end up dead someday. He tells me each time he beats me. But I don't want that for you. You are too young to throw your life away. I know by reading other posts that you are a little overweight and I tend to think that you think in your mind that if you leave him no one will want you because you are a little overweight. That is just not true. If someone truly loves your weight doesn't matter. That is the truth!!!!! You will find Mr. Right someday and let me tell you now, this guy is not it. You have courage and it won't be easy but you need to get out. Look in the mirror. You are special, pretty and you are somebody. You deserve better. Good luck and may God bless you.

Joyce

 

[Laurel]

Wow, Joyce. I'm glad to see that you are making steps toward changing your life! You sound like a bright, sweet woman, and I wish you all the best.

Nurse - rock on, sista! I sent you an email...

It really makes me sad to see how many women are involved in abusive relationships. I'm blown away by the strength it takes for you girls to share what you've shared here. You've all got bigger cajones than I could ever grow! I think the more women realize that they're not alone - that other women out there are being messed with by their spouses/lovers/whatever - the more women will see that it isn't their fault. At least, I hope so, because no one deserves this.

And any jerk who hits a woman is a coward. Send 'em my way - I'll practice my new Kung Fu techniques on 'em. Just learned a really cool one where you leopard fist them in the groin, back knuckle their nose (breaking it, of course), elbow to the back of the neck, and then knife-edge kick to shatter their kneecap. Been dying to try it out on for reals! Bring 'em on!

 

[Ob12]

Hello Ms hullo-nurse.
He go's to counseling , and anger management is agood starter, our you live, you are not making him feel eneyway at all, it is he not you! More wife's are killed by there other. you shoud be scared. There are woman shlters out there for abused women, call for help, look in the phone book. It could and dos at times. im ob12@uswest.net I can help you get help.

 

[XXplorher]

I’m really gonna step in it here……

I simply have to say I think it’s unfair to brand this man an abuser. When the only claim against him is he gets intense on inanimate objects. She stated she’s been with him for 5 years, and just recently was actually scared for the 1st time.
Men are physical. We get frustrated and lash out. She never said he lashed out at her (and if he has, then nevermind what I’m saying.) Everyone here has told her to leave the apparent love of her life. Does no one else find that a hasty judgement of a man unable to defend himself in this forum? I do.
If it continues to progress, and seems to be aiming in her direction – than it may be a valid concern. Otherwise he just needs to get a grip on his anger – unfair to claim him an abuser.

I recommend you hear the advice given here, nurse. But you know better than anyone else what the proper course of action should be. We’re strangers – he’s right there. Talk it out with him.

(I hope this doesn't brand me one as well)

 

[Laurel]

Hey kids - I'm locking this thread per request. If someone wants to reopen this discussion on the General Board, go for it! I don't close threads often, but there's good reasons for this one. Later, kids!