A Scottish prize

[CambridgeMan1]

I just posted my first story on May 19, "A Scottish Prize" since one or two of you requested it. Let me know what you think on public comment.

 

[ellynei]

If you paste a link to it in thread, it is more likely that people will take a look

 

[Guest]

Agreed. We're a lazy lot.

Actually, since I'm on my second cup of coffee, I located the link.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=949502&page=submissions

 

[CambridgeMan1]

ellynei and Sarahh,

Thanks for your help. Let me know what you think.

 

[Guest]

ellynei and Sarahh,

Thanks for your help. Let me know what you think.

I just took a quick glance.

You really need to break up your paragraphs into smaller chunks. It is difficult to read those huge blocks of text.

That being said, I really like your lusty details. Good descriptions, too. Be careful not to overuse certain unique adjectives.

You don't need to tell us it's a true story. No one will believe that, anyway. And you don't need to have long, drawn out text like - OHHHHHHH - or some such.

You seem to change tenses unexpectedly, within the same sentence at times.

You should separate your dialog into different paragraphs, or at least, remove it from the surrounding text.

It's a solid story, you have a good eye and attention to detail. A good proofreader or editor could help you iron out some of the tiny matters.

Well done!

 

[freshface]

What sweetsubsarahh said.

I liked how you described the characters. "Legs that went for miles" is much better than telling us that she had long legs. You had an awful lot of telling before you got to the first bits of dialogue.

It's well written, but the long paragraphs are difficult to read.

 

[CambridgeMan1]

Hey, thanks for your insights and compliments. I know the paragraphs are too long and I'll correct that in part two. I do get carried away with the adjectives--sometimes poor writing is very satisfying even though it takes a toll on the reader.

Thanks again.; as the old saying goes, the worst reaction a writer can have is silence.

 

[ellynei]

Fix those paragraphs ^.^

I like your writing style, it's very alive.

I read the first half or so, enjoying the language. However, the storyline isn't my cup of tea so didn't finish. (A matter of personal preferences, cheating as a sexual category really don't do anything for me.)

If you ever write anything for noncon/reluct genre gimme a PM will ya. I'd like to enjoy that language and style in a story more to my genre

"Don't forget to place comma at end of dialogues inside, not out," the ellymonster said.

 

[CambridgeMan1]

Elly,

Thanks for the grammar tip and for your other help. Though not a writer I had to get the story out, even though there will be those skeptics who won't believe its true.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Elly,

Thanks for the grammar tip and for your other help. Though not a writer I had to get the story out, even though there will be those skeptics who won't believe its true.

You're a writer now, buddy boy. A damned good one too.

Just a few problems beyond the paragraph length. When a sound is drawn out don't go beyond three or four repeated letters. The phrase "vaginal intercourse" is a little bit clumsy. There are probably grammar problems but none were bad enough for me to notice.

 

[ellynei]

Elly,

Thanks for the grammar tip and for your other help. Though not a writer I had to get the story out, even though there will be those skeptics who won't believe its true.

What fractal said:

You're a writer now, buddy boy. A damned good one too.

Well if we don't wanna believe it's true it might be cause some of us are dead beat romantics, somewhere deep inside at least.

We don't wanna believe a guy whose writing style we adore so much, is a cheating hound

Even though I don't approve of the concept of real life cheating, I still think your writing is really good.

 

[CambridgeMan1]

Thanks again for the tips on how to improve the forthcoming Part II. It may be less believable because the story moves faster than the reality did. On the other hand, it is Lit., so no point in fussing over it.