A Real Challenge

[mikeperk]

During the past few weeks I have submitted several stories in relatively quick succession, but the number of apparent views has got steadily less.

Either I'm writing boring stuff & the word has got around to give mine a miss or the world has gone on holiday!

Anyway, my last effort is 'A Real Challenge' within the group sex category, available at: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158227

Please take a look and let me know what you think.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Some feedback

He was a good-looking guy, in a swarthy sort of way.

Tall, dark and well built. He was accustomed to living off his wits.

The choice to break these elements into individual paragraphs is unusual. It's a good way to draw attention to lines, but these particular lines do not hold up all that well under scrutiny. I like the part about him living off his wits; this is something that the character might reasonably be thinking or have somewhere in the back of his mind. But from whose point of view (yes, I am in tandem with my favorite hobby horse again) are we receiving the image about his swarthy good looks and his tall, attractive build? He's unlikely to be lingering on these thoughts. He has no reason to be thinking of what he looks like, and in general even the presence of a mirror will only provoke such thoughts in the incurably vain. Personally, I prefer to receive physical details when there is some reason to or at least some mechanism by which to receive the information (another character's point of view, looking in a mirror, checking clothing for lint, whatever) that makes it reasonable for that information to crop up. Of course, I may be less interested in physical appearance than some; I can hit 90 pages without letting the reader know height, weight, or length of endowment.

Good choice of character - that is, I like his job. That certainly sets him up to be a fun continuing presence in your work.

Hmmmm. I know that we all share this fantasy that "sporting equipment" - and I do love that turn of phrase - of a certain size has the ability to mesmerize woman and make them fall at one's feet. If you wish to keep your setting in a happy fantasy land where this is true, it can be fun and give the piece a bright, humorous edge. But it rather mars the sense of reality. I've heard just as many "dear God get that thing away from me" reactions from women looking at pictures of especially impressive endowments.

I like the hairdresser's setup. It reminds me of the day I made the mistep of getting off the train in the small and godforsaken hamlet of Berrylands, where every card in the local estate agent's office appeared to be for a massage service.

Early twenties, blonde tresses, big boobs, short skirt stretched tight across a shapely rump and long slender legs leading to bare feet.

Now this makes perfect sense, and is nicely handled. It's Steve looking at her, we know his proclivites by now, and he notices what Steve ought to notice. He conveys impressions and not statistics and lets us see a quick and desirable snapshot.

Sorry, but you're losing me a bit with the banter with the lesbian. The whole "magic cock" theory is getting a bit too beyond the bounds of realism for my taste, especially when you set it up by deliberately making the character a determined lesbian who says that she's not interested. I suppose it's an interesting fantasy, but just not my cuppa.

OK, I'm at the end now (commenting as I go), and I did like the twist. It to some extent rehabilitates the rest of the story; one might imagine that Brenda was toying with him deliberately and teasing him with the idea that she was not interested, or some such similar idea. But this feeds into a difficulty I have with some of my own work; when you toy with expectations, deliberately setting them up in order to undermine them, you do run the risk of the audience dropping out. I am sure that I have lost many hardcore perverts who mistake the opening chapter of my work for a fluffy bunny romance; similarly, if I had not been reviewing this with a mind to making comments, you probably would have lost me about the time that Brenda makes her blowjob offer.

Thanks for a fun read. I did enjoy it and liked the twist ending, and your style and execution are nicely handled.

Shanglan