A question, sort of

[peachykeen]

Some of you who know me from the GB may know I recently started a new job. It's only been a week and a half, but I've gotten fairly close socially with a young fellow (nearly 23, as compared to my nearly 35) I am now working with closely.

Apparently, from what little bits he has revealed to me, coupled with some conversations I have had with another co-worker, he has somewhat recently come to the conscious realization that he is 'gay', or at least, particularly interested in men. The thing is, he is Pakistani, and from a very (VERY) strict Muslim family/community. Unitl he started working in this organisation, he had had a pretty sheltered existence, and the past just over a year he has been there has really expanded his world! He has, as is the custom in his family, an arranged marriage in the cards, supposedly for next year sometime.

I realize that there's not really much I can "do" per se, but I feel for the guy. It seems to me like one way or the other, he's in for a rather difficult road to travel. Should I just mind my own business altoghether, and never, I dunno, say anything? And if I did, what would I say?

Just sounding it all out right now, any insight appreciated.

 

[ExistentialLuv]

Some of you who know me from the GB may know I recently started a new job. It's only been a week and a half, but I've gotten fairly close socially with a young fellow (nearly 23, as compared to my nearly 35) I am now working with closely.

Apparently, from what little bits he has revealed to me, coupled with some conversations I have had with another co-worker, he has somewhat recently come to the conscious realization that he is 'gay', or at least, particularly interested in men. The thing is, he is Pakistani, and from a very (VERY) strict Muslim family/community. Unitl he started working in this organisation, he had had a pretty sheltered existence, and the past just over a year he has been there has really expanded his world! He has, as is the custom in his family, an arranged marriage in the cards, supposedly for next year sometime.

I realize that there's not really much I can "do" per se, but I feel for the guy. It seems to me like one way or the other, he's in for a rather difficult road to travel. Should I just mind my own business altoghether, and never, I dunno, say anything? And if I did, what would I say?

Just sounding it all out right now, any insight appreciated.

Wish I could help you out. Would not even know where to start though. Do not even know the guy but I feel for him too. In his family/community it is very tabbo to be gay and I understand they even put you to death over in his country for being gay (not sure on this, just what I have been told). Hope someone here can give you the advice you are seeking.








By the way PJ wanted me to tell you .


So you do not go getting all bent out of shape. That was a joke.

 

[peachykeen]

Re: Re: A question, sort of

So you do not go getting all bent out of shape. That was a joke.

yeah I got that

 

[Svenskaflicka]

I'd say talk to the guy and encourage him to do what he wants to do. I know family is very important within Muslim families; a muslim girl I know explained to me that this is because where she came from, if you didn't have your family to help you and protect you and network for you... you'd be all alone, no-one to talk to, no-one to hang with, no-one to help you get a job, etc.

Welcome to RL...

A family that doesn't support a child, a family that wants the child to marry someone he doesn't know, and who belongs to the "wrong" sex, isn't worth honoring.
To me, blood ties mean less than behaviour. My father ordered me not to bring my "N-word" boyfriend into his house, with the result that I stopped visiting my father myself.

If the guy is sure that he loves men, not women, then he'll be living a lie if he marries a woman. He'll not be honoring his family, he'll be giving up his own wishes to please them. He'll not be happy.
If he comes out, and his family disown him, then he'll know that they love their family honour more than they love their son, and that they think family honour is more important than the happiness of their child.

He'll not be as alone as he thinks. He'll have his friends. He'll survive. And he'll grow as a person from it.

If it was me, I'd definitely talk to him.

 

[thickspear]

he's got some important thinking to do...but at his age, and with his culture the best thing would be to listen (and get him drunk)until he asks for advice

 

[peachykeen]

he's got some important thinking to do...but at his age, and with his culture the best thing would be to listen (and get him drunk)until he asks for advice

Muslim, remember? Doesn't drink.

 

[Northcountryguy]

It seems to me that i would tread really carefully around this one - if the family is as strict as you say then it would be worth taking a serious look at the consequences of messing in the Muslim perception of family honor. If fathers can kill their daughters for "sullying" the family name, then you should be very careful about your potential role in "interfering" in their family.
You may not be doing him or yourself any favors here.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

I have friends here who are Pakistani Muslims and so maybe can shed a little light, if not help.

Muslims arrange their marriages and to back out of one is a serious offense, but marriages aren't the same as we think of them. The couples I know generally sleep in different rooms (A men's room for the father and boys, a woman's room for the mother and girls) and arrange to spend "alone time".

In countries like Pakistan and India (tho they are rivals) young men, to preserve the Chasity of the women, have trysts with other young men. It's a normal but not discussed behavior (you can research it, if you don't believe me), but if he grew up in England or the US he might not have had that kind of ...oppurunity for lack of a better word.

Because marriage is not a love union between two people but a match between two families many Muslim men marry to fulfill their obligations. It is generally bad form to continue trysts after marriage, but ....

Because of his upbringing he will most likely go through with the wedding. Not to usually means a break from his family and being a bit of a social outcast in the Muslim community.

Best bet for you? Say, "I'm your friend, and I'll support you in what ever you decide to do."

 

[thickspear]

well they don't believe in being gay either...

he's examining unexamined beliefs...or is about to...he needs to shed the strict muslim belief system as most people on glbt have had to do with their own cultural and religeous taboos..

it is my observation: strictures against human sexual nature only result in a secret hidden life of fear and self recrimination and etc.

 

[glamorilla]

i don't think it's about what you can do peachy but what your co worker wants to do for himself. the only advice i can offer up is the same advice i'd give anyone struggling with coming out of the closet: don't do it untill youre in a position to take care of yourself and live life as you see fit.

 

[PoliteSuccubus]

Most excellent advice, Glam.

 

[peachykeen]

i don't think it's about what you can do peachy but what your co worker wants to do for himself. the only advice i can offer up is the same advice i'd give anyone struggling with coming out of the closet: don't do it untill youre in a position to take care of yourself and live life as you see fit.

I know you're right (all of you are right, really). I just feel badly for this young fella because it's such a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' situation, really. He's a sweetheart and it makes me sad that one way or another it's bound to be painful.