a question for the Dommes: what floats your boat?

[Wild_Honey_66]

which qualities do you look for in a sub?
or rather, which qualities do you find yourself attracted to, without looking?

I don't identify as a Domme at all, and yet once in a blue moon (twice, actually), i have met someone who brought out in me a strong desire to top them. I see this as a result of the nurturing side of my personality more than a true desire to be in control.

having met a number of perfectly nice men at Lit who identify as sub, i have to admit that the 'typical' sub male found here holds absolutely no appeal for me. I don't know whether that's a common experience, coincidence, or if that's just me, and the fact that 'find a sub' is almost never on my to-do list.

I'd like to hear from the ladies for whom this is their preferred relationship dynamic, or at least one they have enjoyed in the past. Which characteristics in a man really make you sit up and take notice, and cause you to want to put a guy on your short list?

Gentlemen who may be reading, feel free to chime in and tell us what you have been told are your most desirable attributes.

thank you in advance for responding.

 

[Netzach]

Common ground, just like any other relationship.

Sometimes I'm really attracted to the guy in an holistic way. He's hot (in some measure, to me, anyway) he reads/listens to/is into some of the things I'm into, we share some kind of common point of reference, he's not a douche to other people (I'm huge on that, offend my sense of fair play and you're completely off my list) - really who even knows how attraction even works, it's there or it's not. I'm naturally attracted to a guy who's got a certain measure of deference built into his mien - by which I mean the kind of guy who is secure losing an argument or a game of trivia to me, and seems to enjoy that. A guy who pulls the chair out not because he's an antiquated weirdo who calls women "females" and acts like we're some unique species, but because he's savvy to the fact that I'm that kind of girl and that's my dynamic. A guy who's deferential to ME and not to everyone and anyone, though I'm OK with a certain amount of passivity and quiet that I think a lot of women might not be. I don't need demonstrations of beta-male leadership and confidence just to show how not-a-doormat a sub dude is - when they're forced they are a turnoff. When they're real, they're a nice side note.

I've been attracted to beta firebrands, and to quiet non-boat-rocking types alike. All of the men I've been really into have one thing in common and it's a high level of emotional IQ, an innate sensitivity to the world around. And "sensitivity" is one of those words that's gotten trashed badly - these guys have been as butch as the day is long and as happy to ditch on masculinity as Caitlynn Jenner (quite) and all shades between. I think that kind of responsiveness and other-focus is a huge turn on for me, probably because I'm an INTP and mine is pretty stunted. They say we domesticated dogs to extend our poor eyesight and smell and hearing - so I guess that's what I want to do emotionally with submissives.

Sometimes I'm really attracted to the guy's kink. Sometimes I don't want a relationship that goes outside the parameters of what perversity we happen to share - he's not a total asshole, he may not set my heart beating faster to look at him, and we both REALLY like my feet on his face or his face in my toilet bowl. It's not something most guys on average are going to be into, and I don't expect a guy I happen to be holistically attracted to to be signing up for this kind of treatment. I'm not sure it would really work out if he was - I like the single-mindedness of guys with a fetish - they don't love every facet of me either, just the fact that I like what they like, so it's mutual enough that way. Having to start each day with a swirlie would get old.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thank you, Netzach, for your thoughtful and thorough response. Lots here for me to ponder before I reply.

 

[SweetDomme_29]

which qualities do you look for in a sub?
or rather, which qualities do you find yourself attracted to, without looking?

having met a number of perfectly nice men at Lit who identify as sub, i have to admit that the 'typical' sub male found here holds absolutely no appeal for me. I don't know whether that's a common experience, coincidence, or if that's just me, and the fact that 'find a sub' is almost never on my to-do list.

Too often inexperienced men equate the term "sub" with "easy way to get kinky sex". These men are not true subs. They're just horny dicks looking for sex. A real sub will not be your sub for sex. He will be your sub because he wants to serve you & it's up to you to choose to reward or punish him through sexual acts.

The following 4 factors are at the very top of my list when it comes to choosing a sub:

#1 Intelligence
#2 Emotional Intelligence (Can he anticipate my needs on an almost intuitive level?)
#3 Maturity
#4 Well-maintained physical health & appearance (Is he athletic & health conscious?)

If a potential sub doesn't meet any one of these 4 factors he is automatically off my list. Those who meet these 4 factors must go on to demonstrate:

#1 Creativity when it comes to pleasing me
#2 Self-control in all aspects
#3 Willingness to embrace the sub lifestyle....There is nothing worse than a closet-sub

I hope this helps to answer your question

 

[hardestinches]

It depends. To some extent, every relationship includes a D/s dynamic especially when it comes to sex. The perfect partner for a full time D/s relationship is no different than an ideal girlfriend. First and foremost, she must be attractive to me. If there is no sexual spark, forget it. Since I love to be dominant in the bedroom, I prefer women who let me have my way when it comes to the what, when and how for sex. That said, she should be an equal partner in everyday life. Common interests, values and goals top the list of things I look for.

The girl I immediately want to fuck looks and dresses tastefully but provocatively. She is confident and not afraid to challenge me with her wits. She looks you directly in the eye as if asking you to test her. She is submissive in that she will do what you tell her to in the bedroom. Obviously, I love girls with no or very few limits. I want to use her privately and show her off in public or at parties. She'll pose how she's told and get on her knees. She responds to the dirty names you call her and gives her full effort to each task you ask of her. But, while she does the things you demand, her eyes remain fiercely defiant -- challenging me to push her further, begging me to try to break that will.

Petite chicks turn me on. I love girls who are short and have a great, natural figure. I do not like fat girls, but I'm not that interested in the super-skinny bitch either. A great set of tits with strong, upturned nipples that beg me to pinch or clamp them. I love small, soft feet with a nice arch, and a girl who keeps her bikini waxed clean at all times.

 

[spellslave]

I was the Domme in my first two D/s relationships.

I'm presently friends with a Dom-heavy switch - I identify as a sub-heavy switch - so there is a lot of 'wiggle room' for how we interact according to how we feel at the time. But there is at least a common 'thread'.

I enjoy challenges, therefore I am far more likely to be tempted to top someone if they don't just immediately give in to what I order or what I am saying. I absolutely desire power struggles; whether I end up submitting or topping doesn't matter to me, the struggle itself is what is the most intoxicating.

Compared to my first two relationships that incorporated by Domme-side, neither of the men offered anything remotely close to a challenge. They had bratty behaviour and snark, but nothing that truly said 'come on and try it' very well.

 

[Elle_Charlotte]

I'm usually sub, like 80% of the time, but I have a fantasy about domming another woman together with my man.

 

[Primalex]

Gentlemen who may be reading, feel free to chime in and tell us what you have been told are your most desirable attributes.

I smell good.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I smell good.

so does my A/C repairman.

 

[pensivepoet]

so does my A/C repairman.

That's a real profession?
Damn, i missed my calling. Could've had winters off.

 

[Crazy_Christine]

Personal aside here--so are any older, senior, mature--any adjective you like--submissives every accepted? Just wanted to ask before I got my hopes up.

 

[pensivepoet]

Personal aside here--so are any older, senior, mature--any adjective you like--submissives every accepted? Just wanted to ask before I got my hopes up.

Oh absolutely!
And after i win powerball i'll prove it.