A question for subs/slaves/pyls

[WriterDom]

Have you had a bad bdsm experience? Not in terms of a relationship that went bad. But have you really regretted ever meeting someone in person?

 

[ownedsubgal]

of course. before i was owned i'd meet Dominants occasionally on a casual basis and had experiences with people trying to seriously injure me, extreme racism, had one guy keep me trapped in his house for 2 and a half days..it ran the gamut. didn't give me really great first impressions of the lifestyle.

 

[minx1]

WD can I just clarify something please? I just wondered if you are asking this following your comment on the 'Meeting my Master for the First Time' thread...that every week nilla people meet in clubs and bars and end up in bed together, but that people freak when a BDSM label is mentioned and that if you were a preditor looking to victimise someone you would look outside the lifestyle?'
If not ignore me lol

But If it is...I was just wondering if the poll would be very representative, as many of the subs I know on here haven't met their Master yet or have but after taking safety precautions....which presumably imo anyway, would have some effect on potential 'bad experiences'.

Perhaps it would give a truer picture if posters could also say what, if any precautions they have taken before/during that meeting.....and that way we may be able to see any relevent correlations.

*shrugs* Its just a thought.....

 

[frappy]

But have you really regretted ever meeting someone in person?

Yes...the ones who wanted to spank me ASAP, but not know me. No thanks!

 

[WriterDom]

I guess the idea was born in that thread. But it is something I'm curious about. Because I've never had a bad experience.


Maybe it would be educational for people to share their horror stories.

 

[graceanne]

WD can I just clarify something please? I just wondered if you are asking this following your comment on the 'Meeting my Master for the First Time' thread...that every week nilla people meet in clubs and bars and end up in bed together, but that people freak when a BDSM label is mentioned and that if you were a preditor looking to victimise someone you would look outside the lifestyle?
If not ignore me lol

But If it is...I was just wondering if the poll would be very representative, as many of the subs I know on here haven't met their Master yet or have but after taking safety precautions....which presumably imo anyway, would have some effect on potential 'bad experiences'.

Perhaps it would give a truer picture if posters could also say what, if any precautions they have taken before/during that meeting.....and that way we may be able to see any relevent correlations.

*shrugs* Its just a thought.....

Out of curiousity sake the reason people freak when you put a bdsm label on it, is cause when 'nilla people go home with a stranger you can be pretty sure no one's going to allow the other one to tie them up! It's a lot more dangerous if you're letting a complete stranger tie you up, it takes away any options, like kicking them in the balls.

 

[liberatedslave]

My ex-Sir (who I'll call P) was my first BDSM experience and we were together 18months or so. Towards the end when things weren't working he got more controlling and nasty, less loving. He constantly thought I was cheating on him (untrue and unfounded) micromanaged and generally oppressed me beyond a loving D/s dynamic. The last few months our scenes got bad, with him effectively punishing me for some imagined infidelity or act of disrespect. He struck me in anger and ignored my safeword and things escalated. I should have spit with him sooner than I did but the change in him was gradual and I didn't see it for what it was at first. I also really wanted it to work and went out of my way to report my movements and reassure him out of being a jealous bastard. I failed.

I split with him and in the months that followed, moved house and changed my phone number twice. I have a court injunction preventing him from contacting me now.

All in all I could have done without meeting him.

 

[BiBunny]

Yes. It ended with me sporting a bruised kidney and a second-degree burn on the inside of my thigh. I'll say no more because I'm just as much to blame for it as he was, since I was pretty damn irresponsible about the whole thing.

 

[SweetGigi]

:swallows hard:

Like most subs/slaves I know, my horror story is my very first experience with BDSM. Like Bunny, I won't go into details... it's still just too much for me to think about out loud. But I will say that I am DAMN lucky I got away. I could have been seriously hurt (worse than I had been) or killed. he was/is a psycho. And I am glad I pressed charges. Suffice to say, this is why I am soooo concerned for Doll and her choice here. Whether we want to admit it or not, we are unofficial embassadors for this lifestyle. 'Nilla people never hear of the good things that happen within our chosen path... only the bad things that hit the new and press. It is a responsibility we all take on when we choose these roles to make sure we protect not only ourselves but those that sometimes need that extra 'guiding hand'. I know I want to turn a blind eye away from Doll and wash my hands of it all, but if I did and something happened to her I would ultimately feel horrid for not at least trying to get thru to her. I'd rather do something than nothing

 

[WriterDom]

Out of curiousity sake the reason people freak when you put a bdsm label on it, is cause when 'nilla people go home with a stranger you can be pretty sure no one's going to allow the other one to tie them up! It's a lot more dangerous if you're letting a complete stranger tie you up, it takes away any options, like kicking them in the balls.

But isn't it also true that the vanilla experience could turn down the road to a nonconsensual beating, rape, or murder?

If I was psycho I know from personal experience that most "normal" women take fewer precautions than someone with a little bit of education about bdsm.

 

[ownedsubgal]

i can understand there being the perception of greater risk when those who are BDSM or D/s inclined meet casually as opposed to vanillas. it's not just bdsm activities (for those into that), but there's also the unique personality types to consider...namely, submissives. those who are naturally submissive tend to be very vulnerable to abuse and general bad treatment because we are so eager to please and put up few, if any defenses. we don't struggle or fight back. and when you factor in being a newbie as well (therefore being somewhat more likely to take risks), it's no wonder that so many of us have first meeting horror stories.

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

I don't really want to go into details either. But suffice it to say that I really wish I'd never met my ex. I didn't have the least idea that he was going to mentally & physically abuse me until it was way too late. Nor did I know he was bi (I'm fine w/people being bi, but not when they want to have a relationship with me and not tell me ahead of time so that I can decide if it's an issue in that particular situation or not). And the military later certified him as a pathological lier. Maaaan, can I pick them! I also had no idea he was into this lifestyle. And, honestly, I don't think he really was. I think he just heard about other people tying their SO's up & abusing them for the fun of it. I just thank the gods that I'm out of that relationship and that he has no idea where I'm at now.

This is one of the reasons why I'm researching this lifestyle. Because I refuse to ever be a victim again. I seem to be submissive by nature. Doesn't mean I have to put up with crap like that. And, yes, a vanilla experience could turn out just as badly. I was sure "vanilla" at that point in time!

 

[minx1]

Out of curiousity sake the reason people freak when you put a bdsm label on it, is cause when 'nilla people go home with a stranger you can be pretty sure no one's going to allow the other one to tie them up! It's a lot more dangerous if you're letting a complete stranger tie you up, it takes away any options, like kicking them in the balls.

Absolutely Graceanne, I understand that completely. That was actually a reference to what WD had said when discussing meeting a dom for the first time. Sorry if I wasn't clear. ....its been a long day lol
I was simply suggesting to get a true picture of bad BDSM experiences it might be quite useful to look at safety measures that people put in place before and during the meeting ....so we can see if what, if any correlation there is between safety precautions and bad experiences.

*giggle* I know what I'm trying to say....just not howto say it!

 

[FurryFury]

I'd have to say a male Dom takes less risk in general than a sub or a female.
I'd have to say most nilla guys also take less risk in these situations.

Risk factors are being charged with rape and so on. Getting the girl pregnant is another. Finally getting a social disease is a big one.

To me it doesn't matter that much if it's nilla or BDSM. I'd advise caution regardless.

I'm the one that says to the girls on our nights out, we to out together and we go home together, period. You girls can take their numbers and fuck them later, preferably when you aren't drunk, but not tonight with me here. At least wait to call them until after I've exited your driveway, (after pouring your drunk ass in bed.)

LOL.

That being said, I've never met someone for BDSM except at public events which provides a pretty good safety cushion. I also used my own safety precautions just in case.

However in the nilla world I've been raped, threatened, and assaulted more than once. These things have mostly happened even after observing safety rules.

I don't claim to have been totally sane and safe at all times. I will say that it was hard if not impossible for me to call someone on their actions no matter what. In some cases that was due to fear, shame and his threats to my family, but it was even more true in one case, when I thought I loved him.

Fury

 

[graceanne]

But isn't it also true that the vanilla experience could turn down the road to a nonconsensual beating, rape, or murder?

If I was psycho I know from personal experience that most "normal" women take fewer precautions than someone with a little bit of education about bdsm.

It could, but if I was going to be with a rapist I'd rather not be tied up. Especially if I'd consented to being tied up, cause that'd just make me the idiot.

And you're right. I've got a couple of 'nilla friends who do one night stands, and they normally get a smack upside the head from me. They do the stupidest things! Go the guys house, not use protection . . . the list goes on!

 

[xseraphimx]

Yes - I have had 2 bad expriences

I was married to a Dominant for 12 years, and in the early years, life was great. We learnt together, explored, experimented and grew. About the 6th year of marriage, it started to go downhill. I can pinpoint when and imo why, but tis too complex to get into in this discussion. What I do know is that He bought into the what I scathingly called his "Masters of the Universe" mindset. Towards the end, I believe, he thought that my ability to take pain/punishment meant he could beat me at his whim. In blunt crass terms he physically abused me. Read that as there was No love left. Hence why I believe it left me scarred and unable to "give" totally to the 2nd bad experince I had, the online M/s relationship I recently broke away from. In this relationship I believe Our collective pasts affected our ability to deal with things. In this online medium it tends to breed jealousies, insecurities and unrealistic expectations. This may be why I became bratty, pouty and non-compliant, whilst he became aggressive, nasty and finally delivered an ultimatum I was unable to comply with. In hindsight I know now I wasn't ready for any relationship, online or otherwise.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I have to say that my personal experiences have, for the most part, been very good ones. This isn't to say I haven't had a scene or two go wrong (I have) but that the people I have played with and had relationships with have been pretty decent people.

I know the psychos are out there, on either side of the slash. I'm just grateful that the one I came closest to meeting fucked up before we met and tipped her hand too soon. I back-pedalled away from that one as fast and hard as I could. I had actually called her but she wasn't home and I spoke with a male who identified himself as her father.... when I started talking about her job in general terms he paused... and said "she's never worked for the ... "

Stone, cold, busted. Lie to me and I catch you in it, it's over. And come to find out the pics she sent to me were of a woman half her age and about 1/2 her size too... I had another friend who knew here and invited her to visit... didn't recognize the chick when sh got off the plane... OMG...

The sad and scarey thing about it is this woman is/was delusional. She truly believes the bullshit she slings so it's almost impossible to tell in conversation with her. After 17 years as a cop, I can tell you my "Bullshit meter" is pretty damned accurate with most folks.. it didn't twitch with her until I got outside information.

I've said it once, I'll say it a million times. Online, anyone can claim to be anything. Demand proof.

Nuff said!

 

[shy slave]

I have never had a bad BDSM experience to the point I wished I had never met the person.

I have had a one-off episode that I did not enjoy all that much, but that was not him; it was me.

I have had far, far too many nilla experiences which I wish I had never had.

'Nilla men are crazy in comparison to BDSM folks.

 

[SweetGigi]

I know we are on completely different sides of well.... *everything*, Geoff, but I respect the heck out of you for your candor. I like that in a person.

 

[shy slave]

I've said it once, I'll say it a million times. Online, anyone can claim to be anything. Demand proof.

Nuff said!

I agree.

Yet when I tell people he scanned in a copy of his passport and sent it to me before we met (his idea and choice), I have been told that was extreme.

I didn't think it was, I thought it seemed sensible. After all he was a foreigner flying into the UK to meet me. His passport has alot of info that can be checked out should the need arise later.

It is naive to believe because you live in the same country you are safer with that person.

Many people rely on that assumption to make you feel safe.

When I first started talking to and then dating men I had met on the net my mother was not happy.
All lectures ended when I pointed out that I took better care over my own safety that if I met them in a pub, had a few too many too drink and then let them walk me home.
On the net you can ask the same question lots of times and see what happens with the answer.

 

[graceanne]

On the net you can ask the same question lots of times and see what happens with the answer.

That works for a most people, but their's always the ones like in EG's case that believe their lies. They're harder to catch in lies.

 

[Lick_My_Kitty]

Yes I have had bad experiences with one of the Dom's. that I had been envolved with. It wasn't my first and wasn't my last though I had thought about giving it up after that. I ended up walking away with a few burns on my wrists and scars running the length of my stomach, back, and legs though I'm happy that that is all that I was walking away with. A few other people that he had been envolved with had worse happen to them, and I'm thankful I had been able to get away from him when I had.

 

[HottieMama]

I have never had a bad BDSM experience to the point I wished I had never met the person.

I have had a one-off episode that I did not enjoy all that much, but that was not him; it was me.

I have had far, far too many nilla experiences which I wish I had never had.

'Nilla men are crazy in comparison to BDSM folks.

Exactly. Add 'nilla women into the mix and it's pure insanity.

 

[FurryFury]

That works for a most people, but their's always the ones like in EG's case that believe their lies. They're harder to catch in lies.

Those folks are really scary to me. I was married to one of them for a while.

Fury

 

[FurryFury]

It could, but if I was going to be with a rapist I'd rather not be tied up. Especially if I'd consented to being tied up, cause that'd just make me the idiot.

And you're right. I've got a couple of 'nilla friends who do one night stands, and they normally get a smack upside the head from me. They do the stupidest things! Go the guys house, not use protection . . . the list goes on!

Oh! That reminds me, when I'm with the guys or the gals, whichever, and people are hooking up, I'm always the one making sure they at least have a condom for sure. I also took a box to my Mom when she started dating again.

I tried to tell her it was a different world from the one she grew up in. Being prepared and safe, doesn't equal being bad anymore, it's considered smart and responsible. Things "just happening" is no longer considered sweet and innocent but stupid and Jerry Springer.

Fury