A Question for Authors and Readers Alike

[therianwolf13]

I'm relatively new to the site and brand new to the forums, so if this needs to be moved, go ahead and move it.

In the Non-Human section of the stories, I see alot of demons and vampire stories. I saw some wolf-related themes, albeit few. So I was wondering how well an anthropomorphic story would go over.

In the likely event you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, here is an excert from the story:

"Shane stood up to his full 6'2" and walked into the kitchen to get a Mountain Dew. As he passed through the doorway, Jennifer leaned up and licked his cheek quickly before scurrying out of the kitchen and down the hallway to their room.
“Damn she is one sexy little wolf when she wants to be.” Shane couldn’t help but to think out loud. He had met Jennifer at a café while visiting his hometown back on Syan. They had only been here on Earth for a year, but had already met a great many other Anthropomorphs. Jennifer was a purebred Enlyt lupus. She had the slick gunmetal gray fur and stunning light blue eyes. While her natural hair color was a darker shade of gray than the rest of her body, she had dyed it green and braided small strands into a very sexy style.
No sooner had he uttered that statement and taken a sip at his soda than he heard Slipknot’s “Vermillion” start to play from their bedroom stereo. He leaned up and listened for a second, knowing this cue very well. He walked down the hallway quietly and propped himself in the doorway, watching as Jennifer stood with her back to the door, untying her halter, with her heels next to the bed. He slowly set his can down and sneaked up behind her, grabbing her around the waist and holding her. She yelped slightly before calming and leaning back into him, looking up and smiling."

Also, any input on my writing is appreciated.

 

[Guest]

Okay... I am confused.

Are they like animals all the time?

 

[Darkniciad]

It is a little difficult to decipher whether the characters are in human form or in half-form from this short passage. You'll certainly want to distinguish that in order for your readers to visualize the scene properly.

Non-Human is one of those catagories that doesn't have massive amounts of readers, but that also makes it a good place to test the waters as a new writer because you'll encounter fewer trolls and other assorted jerks along the way. It gives you a bit of a chance to toughen up before venturing into more dangerous waters.

You'll certainly get one hundred views, I'm sure, as the first day your story is up it will generate a lot of reads from the "New" list.

After the first few days, it will be up to your story to garner a solid rating and at least 10 votes to continue to generate reads. Posting more stories will also cause people to go look at your previous work and continue to generate reads on the story.

It could never hurt to pass your first story through an editor, or just a group of first readers to offer you impressions. I posted my first one for impressions in the Story Discussion forum before offering it up on the altar of the submission button.

 

[gauchecritic]

couple of things.

Anthropomorphic generally means ascribing human traits to non-human things. Calling cars she, or giving feelings to a guitar. Nit-picky I know, but I find that those who read skiffi and such tend to like 'correct' detail.
Metamorph, shapeshifter or transmogrifier would fit more easily as a definitive noun.
Better yet, invent a word for yourself: lupumorph. werwarg. Or steal old words for the same things vargulf, warg.
Lycanthrope, is probably the most common 'correct' noun.

(I've just realised that your own nic has one of the old elements for beasts so you probably know all the above anyway)

Thing the second. Hearing Slipknot on the stereo immediately places the time to now or hereabouts. Apart from it being a cue for other things for the couple it actually has no relevance to the story (I've never heard it although I heard of Slipknot) so unless you're going to give a reason for it to be that particular song (driving bass, shreiking lyrics or whatever) you lost at least one reader (me) for that moment. (the same with Mountain Dew by the way)

One more thing. don't have gigantic blocks of text (even though you seem to be breaking the lines with paragraphs), readers like to know when the part they're reading actually ends, so that they can look away for a second before continuing.

Last thing (honest) they seem to do a hell of a lot of leaning between the pair of them.

As far as writing is concerned I think you would benefit greatly from some self-editing, the excerpt (watch the typoes) is a good start point for a promising story. Keep writing.

 

[therianwolf13]

Anthropomorphic generally means ascribing human traits to non-human things. Calling cars she, or giving feelings to a guitar. Nit-picky I know, but I find that those who read skiffi and such tend to like 'correct' detail.
Metamorph, shapeshifter or transmogrifier would fit more easily as a definitive noun.
Better yet, invent a word for yourself: lupumorph. werwarg. Or steal old words for the same things vargulf, warg.
Lycanthrope, is probably the most common 'correct' noun.

(I've just realised that your own nic has one of the old elements for beasts so you probably know all the above anyway)

Thing the second. Hearing Slipknot on the stereo immediately places the time to now or hereabouts. Apart from it being a cue for other things for the couple it actually has no relevance to the story (I've never heard it although I heard of Slipknot) so unless you're going to give a reason for it to be that particular song (driving bass, shreiking lyrics or whatever) you lost at least one reader (me) for that moment. (the same with Mountain Dew by the way)

One more thing. don't have gigantic blocks of text (even though you seem to be breaking the lines with paragraphs), readers like to know when the part they're reading actually ends, so that they can look away for a second before continuing.

Last thing (honest) they seem to do a hell of a lot of leaning between the pair of them.

As far as writing is concerned I think you would benefit greatly from some self-editing, the excerpt (watch the typoes) is a good start point for a promising story. Keep writing.

Oh thank Razel. This is what I was looking for, thank you.
I think the word creating WOULD benefit me...Thanks for that idea.
Once I read over it, the real-life refernces do seem to stand out of place.

As for the leaning...if repeatative actions bring a story down a notch or three, leaning is the least of my worries. Thank you for alerting me to that.

It would probably be beneficial to post what I have to see what should be changed, thus letting me know how to go on.

 

[therianwolf13]

Ch. 1 of The Wolf Vermillion

Ok...here's chapter 1. Rip it to shreds I beg of you. I want this to as good as possible before I post it.

The Wolf Vermillion
By: Gray

“Ouch”, she yelped as Shane nipped her ear playfully. Jennifer had bitten his neck quite a few times at the party and now that they were driving home, he could get a little payback.
“What’s wrong, love? It didn’t hurt did it?”
“What do YOU think?” She snickered as they finally pulled into the driveway.
“That was one Hell of a party Jason threw, but you think he could have been any more seclusive about it?” She asked before he could answer, intentionally changing the subject.
“Jennifer, we’re hood. You know that the only reason he held it at the ranch was because he didn’t want any humans crashing it with their pitchforks and burning crosses of doom.”
Jennifer thought about this and giggled. She shoved him out of the car and unlocked the door. She walked into the dining room and set her purse down before turning to see her mate walk in and remove his black and white flat-bottoms. He had worn his obscenely baggy black pants that he had bought three years ago and a plain white wife-beater with his leather skull belt and buckle. His nails were wolven and they were accented by his black-and-white arm sleeves. His tattoos had darkened his pale skin a little, and she loved the artwork. However, it did help drive home the fact that even though he was only one quarter human, that was the physically dominant 1/4th. While he was one fourth white man and three-fourths Nothlith lupus, he had only a few visible traits of his wolf heritage such as his teeth and eyes. Most of his Hood self was in his personality. He was extremely aggressive, yet unlike most lupi, very submissive to his female mate. Jennifer found this humanistic quality quite endearing, especially during sex. Her favorite game was using a leash and collar on him. He frequently told her that the only thing she’s putting a leash on was him.
“I should just jump him right now” Jennifer thought to herself, but knew it’d be very awkward trying to undo the yellow spider web halter he had gotten her for their first Christmas together. But at the same time, he was bent down low enough for her to leap on him and bring him to the floor.

Shane stood up to his full 6'2" and walked into the kitchen to mix a beverage. As he passed through the doorway, Jennifer leaned up and licked his cheek quickly before scurrying out of the kitchen and down the hallway to their room.
“Damn she is one sexy little wolf when she wants to be.” Shane couldn’t help but to think out loud. He had met Jennifer at a café while visiting his hometown back on Syan. They had only been here on Earth for a year, but had already met a great many other “hood”, as the humans had labeled them. Jennifer was a purebred Enlyt lupus. She had the slick gunmetal gray fur and stunning light blue eyes. While her natural hair color was a darker shade of gray than the rest of her body, she had dyed it green and braided small strands into a very sexy style.
No sooner had he uttered that statement and taken a sip at his drink than he heard their song start to play from their bedroom stereo. He leaned up and listened for a second, knowing this cue very well. He walked down the hallway quietly and propped himself in the doorway, watching as Jennifer stood with her back to the door, untying her halter, with her heels next to the bed. He slowly set his glass down and sneaked up behind her, grabbing her around the waist and holding her. She yelped slightly before calming and leaning back into him, looking up and smiling.
“Be a dear and help me with this top, love.” She grabbed his hand and placed it on her back where she had tied the lacing.
“Of course.” Shane began to untie the strings, loosening the top slowly. Her tight Christmas gift began to pull away from her breasts and Shane watched as the material showed more and more of his mate’s chest. Suddenly, Jennifer turned on him, biting his neck and holding him to her, her claws in his skin. She manipulated Shane into laying on the bed before taking the stereo remote and changing the song to what they referred to as “their sex song”.
Now Shane knew exactly what she had in mind. She leaned up, straddling him, and slipped out of her halter, her breasts now exposed to him. She kissed his lips and slid her arms up, covering herself with her forearms. She leaned backwards towards the nightstand and opened the drawer. Yes...he knew this was what she had planned all night. He knew he was about to become less than her.
Sure enough, she reached in and pulled out his leather collar and chain-link leash.
She crawled off the bed and stood up, still covering her nipples with one arm.
“Heel!” Jennifer commanded him. He instantly sat up, moved to the floor beside her and waited.
“Take it off....Now sit!” He removed the tank top and sat on the floor at her feet. She latched the collar around his neck and jerked the leash once to be sure of it’s hold.
“Good boy.” she said as a conniving grin swam across her face.
Shane only grinned in anticipation for his now master to give her next command. She took her arm off her breasts and leaned in close to him, kissing his lips.

Jennifer leaned back up and looked down at her lover sitting at her feet. Yes...she had him well trained on their very first date and he had never disobeyed a command. She was very proud and happened to know that a few of her female friends were very envious. Hers was the only male who didn’t just climb on top and shoot his shit. She owned him. She looked at him lovingly before putting a foot on his bare shoulder and pushing him onto his back. She slowly moved her hands down her body and stopped at the button of her cargo pants. She slipped the button through the hole and lowered the zipper, exposing the top of her blood red bikini bottom. Jennifer could see his eyes lighten up as they traced her body, stopping at her crotch. She knew she was teasing him and she loved it. It took a great will power not to let her eyes wander down to where she was sure he had a bulge in his pants.
“Do you want me to do the same for you, my dear?” She asked him in a very sultry voice. Propped up on his elbows, Shane swallowed slightly and nodded.
“Very well...relax.” She said in the same sultry tone.
She descended to her knees and leaned over the fasteners of his pants. This was the only reason she had for not liking this particular pair of pants: it had three buttons that held them in place. She pushed the lead onto her wrist and scratched his chest as she drew her hands towards his groin. She watched his eyes as her hands slowly went to work, unbuttoning the first, second, and finally the third fastener on her mate’s pants. She drew the zipper down and slowly slid the pants past Shane’s hips, exposing that he had neglected to don a pair of boxers. After the seam passed over Shane’s hard cock, it stood at attention to the beautiful creature it was about to enter. Jennifer lightly touched him with her fingertip before working his pants off all the way. Once she had tossed the pants aside, she stood up, her own pants sliding down a little, and yanked hard on the leash indicating she wanted Shane to sit up.

The tug on his collar was a surefire signal; she wanted him to sit again. Shane knew that throughout the whole game, he would lay back, sit up, then lay back again many times before the night was done. He watched as Jennifer stood over him while he was sitting there, hands in his lap.
“Yes, ma’am?” He asked, almost jestingly.
She instantly shot back, “Get them off me if you’d like, big guy.”
Shane grinned and nodded. He reached up and began to massage her calves as his hands worked their way to the top seam of his mate’s pants. With Jennifer, he had found, the actual sex was only half of the deal. To impress this small statured wolf, you had to make a smooth, playful approach. Shane knew of only one other person who had made a good enough approach to get into her pants, and that was her college roommate, Violet. Shane shook his head and concentrated on the task at hand.
His hands slowly slid up her legs onto her thighs. He watched as a smile mixed of glee and pleasure slightly parted her lips. She suddenly gasped as his hands found their way around behind her and squeezed her firm buttocks.
His hands finally reached the top of her trousers and slipped under the waist. He timely worked them down past her hips, revealing more and more of the thin fabric that covered what she was promising him. Her pants finally hit the floor and she stepped out of them.

Jennifer stood in her panties above her nude mate. She had been waiting for this all night and had full intention of making it one night to remember. She took his lead in her hand and gave it a hard tug, pulling him up to her hips.
“Get these off of me, love...like a good boy would.” She said in her almost trademark sultry voice.
Shane leaned up and licked her abdomen right above her pantyline. Jennifer slowly licked her chops as her mate bit down on the top of her bikini and dragged it down slowly. She was wet with anticipation when he stopped, job far from over.
Jennifer looked down at him and saw a huge grin spread across his face. She laid her ears back and cocked her head a little to the right. Shane suddenly growled at her and bit down on her panties right in the middle of her soaked pussy. Jennifer yelped unintentionally at the spontaneous bite to her crotch. She could feel her legs beginning to give out, but she knew she had to resist or the game would end and he’d have control.
Jennifer stood with leash in hand as Shane bowed to her, taking her panties with him. Once they hit the floor, she stepped out of them and kicked them aside. She tugged on Shane’s lead again and he sat up for her. She placed a foot on his chest and tightened her grip on his leash. As she did, Shane leapt up and licked her clit twice before seating himself again. Jennifer felt herself shudder with pleasure as she kicked him in the chest, knocking him onto his back once again.

Shane fell backwards, the taste of his mate’s wet prize in his mouth. It was enough to drive any male crazy. He licked his lips as his beautiful mate put a foot on his chest and leaned down.
“You want to eat me that bad...” She whispered into his sensitive ears.
Shane could only nod and swallow deeply as his mate slowly lay on the bed, pulling him up to her by the leash. Shane ascended to meet his wife’s bare hips, kissing her legs randomly as he went. Jennifer opened her thighs to him and smiled at him. Shane put his head between her hips and kissed her right above her hot, wet slit. Then he looked at her once before putting his mouth on the fur lined lips of her cunt. He roughly parted her lips and drove his tongue into her velvet interior. He felt her puffed up clit rub his tongue as he licked her. Shane inhaled deeply, taking the scent of his mate’s sex.

Jennifer gasped as Shane’s tongue found it’s way into her, roughly brushing her clit as it went. She always got him to eat her during sex. Though she had only been eaten out by one other person, he was by far her favorite tongue. She instantly fired a hand down and lodged her claws into his shoulders, forcing him to bite her in response. She struggled to wrap her legs around his head and neck, managing to pull her thighs together around him. She looked down and tightened her legs, pushing him into her. He squirmed just a bit to avoid having a sore neck later. Jennifer allowed a slight moan to escape her lips, telling her mate that he was doing a wonderful job on her lower body. She inclined her hips as Shane nipped her clit. Over and over, she could feel his teeth nibbling and gliding and scraping across her clit, an insatiable urge to release her riveted body. Finally, she could no longer hold herself. She snapped his leash and he bit her clit, causing her to experience one of the best climaxes of her life.

Shane felt her release herself, his mate’s sexual juices pouring into his mouth. Her hips began to buck under his lips and her legs spasmed, shoving his face into her. Once it had relaxed, Jennifer lightly tugged on his leash and he continued lapping at her sweet pussy. He felt his mate squirming gently beneath his mouth, her orgasm finally letting up. He looked up at Jennifer with a smile and she instantly returned it, weak, but a smile nonetheless. She once again tugged at his leash and he crawled up over her hips and kissed her lovingly. As he kissed her, Jennifer parted his lips with her tongue and began licking his mouth, inside and out, undoubtedly getting what remained of her juice off his lips. He held her body to his own when she had finished. His arms wrapped around her like a seatbelt, crossing her chest and making her safe. He gently nibbled on the back of her neck and ears as he curved his body to contour to hers.

To be continued...

 

[Darkniciad]

His traits are easy enough to pass off in society, but if she's furry all the time, it really kicks up the degree to which you have to suspend reality. If they have the ability to suppress their wolfish traits and appear more human, stating that she relaxes her control after she enters the house and lets her true form show would erase any issue I have with reality suspension. I write in a fantasy world, so I've got a good reality suspender.

Shoving him out of the car and then unlocking the door in one sentance doesn't move her from her place in the car to the door quite enough in my eyes.

His description is pretty clear, but with her it is still a little difficult to determine whether he's thinking about how she looks *at this moment* or in her true form. Only one mention of fur and claws, and that in a context that could be applied to a human woman, during the sex adds to this problem.

Clearing up that first issue will pretty much erase this problem in my eyes too.

That's my impressions from a storyline point. Otherwise, things look good, and you should get feedback from the people who are really into things wolfish which will help you tailor your writing directly for your readership. The sex is steamy, the entrance into the tale is good, and the backstory is there.

I believe you mentioned in your first post that you knew the paragraphs were too large. My suggestion would be to double space everywhere you have dialouge. It will make it a lot easier on the eyes online.

“Ouch”, she yelped as Shane nipped her ear playfully. Jennifer had bitten his neck quite a few times at the party and now that they were driving home, he could get a little payback.

“What’s wrong, love? It didn’t hurt did it?”

“What do YOU think?” She snickered as they finally pulled into the driveway.

“That was one Hell of a party Jason threw, but you think he could have been any more seclusive about it?” She asked before he could answer, intentionally changing the subject.

I think this will help break up some of the places where it felt like my eyes were seeing she,she,she... too many times in close proximity. Looking back over it and double spacing it in my head, the pronoun/proper noun mix actually looks pretty good, but with the long paragraphs they all just sort of jump out at you. There are a few too many places where you have a 2,1,2 (She,She,Jennifer,She,She) starting sentances, but again that seems to be less jarring when the story is broken up better for visability in my head.

I didn't notice anything spelling or grammarwise, but that's hardly my strong suit. I'm helpless without a spell checker.

The necessity for major suspension of reality in the "today" setting is the major sticking point for me. She has to be able to pass through society somehow without causing people to gawk and freak out, and I just don't see that established well enough.