A question about my writing

[Emeraldtryst]

I've written a couple of stories for Lit, and I know that something is missing from them. I'm not sure what exactly "it" is, but the writing is just really not good.

I'm not even sure if this is the correct board to be placing this request on, but so many of the writers here are simply excellent. I was looking for any ideas on what I need to do for my next
one.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=27987

and


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=28690

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

 

[KillerMuffin]

A few suggestions:

The opening line is very important. It's what hooks your reader. Your first paragraph must follow through with it. Your opening line should always be in active voice. If you have a linking verb in it, get rid of it.

Passive voice sounds very authorly when you write in it because it gives a poetic feel to the prose. It's very boring when you read it. You've got a lot of passive voice. Passive voice is when the object receiving the action is the subject of the sentence. The ball was thrown by him. Active voice is when the subject does the action. He threw the ball. Same thing, one has more words and feels better when you write it because it makes pretty prose, the other is what the reader prefers.

Simple versus complex sentence structure. This is where instinct comes in. I think it's one of the things that separate good and great, but anyway. There are times you use a simple sentence and times when you don't. A simple sentence feels juvenile to the reader or indicates that whatever happens in it is very important. Simple sentences should be used somewhat sparingly since people feel comfortable with complex ones. However, this is not a hard and fast rule because it depends entirely on the story itself.

Sentence fragments. I didn't see very many of those, but you had a few. This is another one of those tools you use when you need to make a very strong point and I don't think I've ever seen it used effectively outside of a stream of consciousness. A sentence fragment can fool you because it looks like a complete sentence. "That my place was to be immortal." That's one from your Deviltry story.

Punctuation. I can't stress this enough, use exclamation points sparingly. Use them often, and you did in Deviltry, and you ruin them. Ellipses...use them sparingly as well...if at all. They indicate that something was left out of the sentence, not a pause. A comma denotes a pause. If the comma doesn't fit, then end the sentence and start a new one. Ellipses are a bad gimmick to get attached to. Basic issues that you had that I'm not sure if you're aware of. "Hello." He said. Is wrong. "Hello," he said. Is correct. He smiled at me "I'm your new bodyguard." Is wrong. He smiled at me. "I'm your new bodyguard." Is correct.

One problem that I had with both stories is that the narrator told the story, not the characters. That puts the reader in an aloof spot where s/he can't get close to the characters. When they don't care or identify with the characters, they have lukewarm reactions to them. It's possible to do it in first person as well. Would you rather be told about the trip to Disney World, or would you rather feel like you're perched on the narrator's should experiencing it with her? Like our good friend Mickie always says, show it, don't say it.

Go back and re-read some of your favorite stories. Pick out a few paragraphs that you particularly liked and write them down on a pad of paper. Pick them apart. Analyze the paragraph's structure, then the sentence structure. Figure out what you liked about it. Why did it fit together so well. What kind of sentences are they, how did they make you like them, how well did they tell the story. Don't do it so you memorize the sentences, but so you understand the technique. You can develop your own technique for getting the reader to experience the story, rather than having them listen to you tell them the story.

I don't think you need to worry about the big picture. You've got a good feel for pacing and getting from a beginning to an ending. You've got good, solid characters and a feel for developing them. The thing that's mucking you up is the words themselves.

 

[Weird Harold]

generic advice for Emeraldtryst and all new writers

Passive voice sounds very authorly when you write in it because it gives a poetic feel to the prose. It's very boring when you read it. You've got a lot of passive voice.

Having been hammered badly for passive voice in my own early writing, I'm very conscious of the bad effect it can have on the readability of a story.

I stiill have a problem recognising passive voice, so I rely heavily on MS Word's grammar check with the "show readability statistics" turned on.

"2% passive voice sentences" doesn't sound like a lot of passive voice, but that's about the point where it starts to affect the ability to get involved in the story. It's also an indication that I'm slipping into that detached, poetic, "high-brow" wording tht makes a story look scholarly and read like an essay for English class.

Purdue University has an "Online Writing Lab" with a very good explanation of how and when passive voice is appropriate. The one statement that stuck with me was, "... overuse of passive voice throughout an essay can make your prose semm flat and uninteresting.

http://www.tc.cc.va.us/writcent/

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/

The first link also has a short and concise explanation of passive voice. Both sites have a LOT of good information on the technical details of writing a story (or anything else.)

One thing I can add to KM's points: "Write like you speak."
I've noticed that among novice/amateur writers, there is a tendency to use words and sentence structures that they would never think of using in normal conversation or a letter to a friend. They avoid contractions and slang and look for as many different ways to say "He said, She said" as possible.

Don't do that! Use the vocabulary and language you're used to. Clean it up some, and make the spelling and punctuation work for you. Do NOT try to sound "educated" or "proper." DO try to look as literate as possible without overstretching your vocabulary -- don't use new words unless you are positive you are using them correctly.

KM's analysis sounds very much like the things I told most of my clients when I was actively editing. Check out the readability statistics function of MS Word's grammar check and learn as much as you can about what it's telling you about your writing. It won't make you a perfect writer, but paying attention to the readability of what youwrite will make you a better writer.

 

[English-Passion]

Another small but very important point is that you are writing in the first person. Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, you must make sure that the story doesn't become too self-absorbed.

As a little experiment I did a word ount on both your stories.

In one case the words 'I' and 'my' accounted for 8.2% of the total. In the other, 8.5%.

If you look at the most successful first person stories on the top list (I chose the romance list to make a comparison) the highest rated first person stories have only 5.7% and 4.7% 'I' and 'my' .

Clearly, these writers are telling their stories from a more balanced point of view.

Maybe that is something you could look out for.

English-Passion

 

[Weird Harold]

Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, you must make sure that the story doesn't become too self-absorbed.

As a little experiment I did a word ount on both your stories.
...

Statistical analysis of word counts, and percentage of passive voice, and other aspects of your story are indeed helpful in finding ways to improve your writing, however....

Don't let the statistical and other analytical tools determine your style of writing!

For example, WordPerfect Suite 8 has a very good grammar checker that will highlight when you get repetitive with the word you start sentences with. It's useful information, but at times, you're going to want to be repetitive for dramatic reasons or emphasis of a certain point. Dialogue is one place where the grammatical rules are different -- within the quotation marks, anything (essentially) goes because in that context you are reporting what your character said and not what they would have said if they were English majors.

For Example, If you have a lot of dialogue by a very self centered character, worrying about how many sentences start with "I" or "My" will destroy that character's definition as a self-centered person.

Another example, if I write a character who is a pompous ass who speaks like an animated encyclopedia, I'm not going to be too concerned if his dialogue rates at grade 12+ on the readability statistics. I would be concerned if the overall readability statistics were that high, but not the portions I want to sound like an overeducated boor.

Use the tools you have available, but DO NOT let them dictate how you tell the story. Use them to make you aware of where and how you might be able to improve your writing without sacrificing your style and story.

The statistics and technical details English Passion, KillerMuffin and I have discussed here are valuable tools when used with some descretion. They're all things that will tell you a lot about your writing. But your vision of the story comes first. The characters you write and the techniques you use to define them will sometimes skew the statistics to the point it looks like a bad story, but correcting to make the stistics look right might not be the right solution to making the story work.

 

[Emeraldtryst]

That's really interesting, because I was actually making a conscious attempt to keep the I's and my's to a minimum. I didn't feel like I was stretching my vocabulary, but I might not be as smart as I think I am either.

You've given me some serious items to consider for my next project. Thank you for taking the time to help me.

 

[Weird Harold]

I didn't feel like I was stretching my vocabulary, but I might not be as smart as I think I am either.

You weren't stretching your vocabulary anywhere near the breaking point, which is a mistake far too many new writers make. I did however get a sense that you were "trying too hard" for some of your descriptive phrases.

At one point, you refer to "affectionate kisses." There isn't anything "incorrect" in that description except it was unexpected in the context you used it in. (the beginning of a sexual encounter with a near stranger.) I think "Gentle kisses" would have fit better in that particular context.

Words have definitions, but they also have connotations -- subtle differences in meaning brought about by the way they are commonly used. Using "affectionate" in place of "gentle" (or some other word) implies some prior feelings for the recipient as well as the gentle nature of an "affectionate kiss." There is also my perception that "affection" and "passion" are related but incompatible emotions.

Often the simpler and more generic terms work better than words that have collected specific connotations from society.