A Public Apology.....

[sack]

In general, I don't like to discuss my private life on a forum such as this, as understandably, who would care? However, 2005 has not been particularly kind to me. My father's Alzheimers is in full flower, and I'm just coming to terms with my own Diabetes as well as that of the rest of my family. As if that wasn't enough, I've been in two car accidents (one serious), dropped a Lean Cuisine just out of the microwave onto my thigh and burned myself severely , and just buried my 12 year old fox terrier.

All this has made me overreactive to everything , and unfortunately it spilled over to this forum. I'm afraid to even look at my recent posts, my best guess is they range from Slightly Stupid to Very Stupid. I'm disappointed in myself, and really had no business being here at all. I thought that being in a community would make me feel better, but I'm too fragile for this kind of thing just yet.

I don't have time to apologize to you all personally, but I would like to say that I deeply regret if anyone was made uncomfortable/angry/offended/etc. by anything I said. No harm was meant at all, but that doesn't make it right. And people did try to calm the savage beast, but I was too far gone, you see.

I have tried to continue to write poetry.....The Fine Art of Listening, an experiment in conversation as poetry, and The Last Room on The Right, inspired by my father. That one should appear tomorrow, and I would deeply appreciate any commentary, as I consider it to be my best work to date.

For those that still support me, I commend your patience. And for those that don't , I totally understand. Hopefully, things will start to look better for me soon and I can contribute to this forum in a manner that is more productive to all.

Again, I am very sorry for all the problems.

Sack

 

[*Catbabe*]

That took some courage to say that in public. It's always hardest to turn your eyes inside, be honest and share what you see.

Since I was one who criticized you, I will say I wish you all the best in the forum. What's done is done and the future is yours to shape.

I am very sorry for the personal struggles that are making this a difficult time in your life.

Cat

 

[WickedEve]

What's the problem? So what if you're an ass like the rest of us. Good god... search through old threads and see how many times I've been an ass. But you just gotta love my drama queen threads.

 

[WickedEve]

By the way, sack, there's a poem in that Lean Cuisine accident. Seriously, man! I swear, your life is a lot like mine. The diabetes, the car accident, weird accidents. Yes, the wicked one is a klutz. My Poppy had Alzheimer's and my 30 yr. old cat died in Jan. But it all gets better. Write poetry and laugh. Those two things can heal you.

 

[minsue]

 

[Angeline]

Don't worry about it, Sack. I've flounced off this forum a few times--and we all have struggles, so everyone understands. I hope things get better for you, and I'm sure writing will help. It always does me.

 

[PatCarrington]

What's the problem? So what if you're an ass like the rest of us. Good god... search through old threads and see how many times I've been an ass. But you just gotta love my drama queen threads.

i agree with eve, sack.....what's the problem.....and good luck with the troubles you detailed. work your way through with laughter and words.

your post shows the sincerity that some were probably looking for.

and eve, i think it's high time for some more drama on your part. you have been far too stable, lately. i don't know what to make of it.

 

[WickedEve]

i agree with eve, sack.....what's the problem.....and good luck with the troubles you detailed. work your way through with laughter and words.

your post shows the sincerity that some were probably looking for.

and eve, i think it's high time for some more drama on your part. you have been far too stable, lately. i don't know what to make of it.

I've been cutting back on the coffee. I only fill the giant kitty cup half way now.

 

[foehn]

If I don't remember having been offended by anything, does that mean that I wasn't offended?

*utterly confused* ... lol, might as well...

As is the lot of humanity, I suspect a lot of us are going through some tough times most of us are more reticent about. That could shed light on some of the reactions you've gotten, too.

(It's all relative. It's all bullshit anyway. We're all gonna die.)

I'll try to remember to look for your new poems.

/f

 

[fabmax]

Not a problem

I'm sorry to hear of another who is as sad, mad, and hurt as I.
As like yourself, my year has totally started out in a grand mess.
I'm having to move after 4 years at my beautiful apartment, I have been hit by a car, I've now got 2 broken ribs, and I am back for more chemo in the next month. Things don't always seem fair, but I try and think of all the next days that change your complete being, and I also believe that fighting thru emotional times can be incrediably painful.
I so can relate, I hope that something good and great karma begin to happen, out of distant and despondance comes acceptance.

Feel free if you would like to correspond, to write to me at my email posted here under FABMAX.............a real oxymoron

Beautiful thoughts, and positive thoughts
You will find your strength, and you will come thru this gracefully!
Max

 

[Maria2394]

... I only fill the giant kitty cup half way now.

Eve, that sounds kinda kinky


Sack, you'll be okay. actually, I kinda thought of you as what some would say was a curmudgeon...hehe, I porbably spelled it wrong, but you know what I mean, kinda gruff and thats what you wanted people to think. hell, ask anyone, i'm subject to "bouts" as well. we are all only human, well, most of us anyway

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Not a problem

I'm sorry to hear of another who is as sad, mad, and hurt as I.
As like yourself, my year has totally started out in a grand mess.
I'm having to move after 4 years at my beautiful apartment, I have been hit by a car, I've now got 2 broken ribs, and I am back for more chemo in the next month. Things don't always seem fair, but I try and think of all the next days that change your complete being, and I also believe that fighting thru emotional times can be incrediably painful.
I so can relate, I hope that something good and great karma begin to happen, out of distant and despondance comes acceptance.

Feel free if you would like to correspond, to write to me at my email posted here under FABMAX.............a real oxymoron

Beautiful thoughts, and positive thoughts
You will find your strength, and you will come thru this gracefully!
Max

Oh, I'm sorry. I think I have a lot to deal with, but there are so many others with worse problems. I wish I could help. I do know that hanging around here can sometimes be distracting. Hey, sumbit a poem to the Feb. contest. I know that doesn't sound like much, but little things can be magic when the big things are trying to swallow you up.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Hang in there, Sack, and commiserations on your losses.

Lord, man, you're taking fire from every direction.

*nuzzles*

None from this quarter. Pull up a bale in the stable any day you like.

Shanglan

 

[sack]

man! I swear, your life is a lot like mine. The diabetes, the car accident, weird accidents. Yes, the wicked one is a klutz. My Poppy had Alzheimer's and my 30 yr. old cat died in Jan. But it all gets better. Write poetry and laugh. Those two things can heal you.




It seems like we have lead parallel lives. So, why are your poems so much better than mine?


Sack

 

[WickedEve]

man! I swear, your life is a lot like mine. The diabetes, the car accident, weird accidents. Yes, the wicked one is a klutz. My Poppy had Alzheimer's and my 30 yr. old cat died in Jan. But it all gets better. Write poetry and laugh. Those two things can heal you.




It seems like we have lead parallel lives. So, why are your poems so much better than mine?


Sack

because I'm a girl.

 

[champagne1982]

<snip>we are all only human, well, most of us anyway

I don't even wanna discuss what some of us are ..

but hell, I'm sure we're all poets.

I'm sorry everything seems to avalanching in on you at once.

Someone once told me that I hadn't been tested or tempered by life, that's why all my poems were so 'nice'. Perhaps this is your tempering and soon you'll show us the steel you've forged.

Peace and whatever comfort you can glean from my telling you my thoughts are with you.

 

[annaswirls]

Brave thing to do, Sack. I think you are learning about the importance of this community

I am sorry things are falling around you. It sucks. I hope things will smooth out, look up, calm down, turn around and any number of good prepositions.

Just in case you did not know, it would be difficult to find anyone here who does not understand first hand, how you feel. Many of us are struggling in our own ways, and the response to such struggles varies. People strike out or put up defense for others here, because we might know what they are going through. Some of us leave and come back despite promises that this time it is for real. We may cling, pout, stamp feet, get weird, dramatic, sappy and sentimental (eh hem) but mostly I think people come here to wind down, have fun, feel welcome, recognized and safe.

Life can suck. There are so many things that are out of our control. But in here, we have the power to dramatically affect the environment, and truthfully, it has often been pretty sour lately, not a place you might look forward to going. This is a good time to sweeten it up, thank you for making that step.

Honestly, this has done more for me as a writer, to improve, than any critique I have gotten.

Stick around, write write write, you can feel safe here, listen to what people have to say, go gently, no one wants to be hurt. I know I was upset with things you did, and I am sure I said things that were hurtful as well and I apologize. Please don't sweat it. We are all learning. Just try to remember all this and know that there are good people here.

all the best,

~J

 

[Guest]

My thoughts, and I hope things turn around for you, sack.

 

[Liar]

Cheers, Sack. Worry not too much if you upset people here. I've seen your adventures here on this board for the last few months, and I must say that those that got all emotional about it didn't quite have their priorities straight. But that's my opinion.

You've tried to contribute and put a lot of effort into the community. Perhaps it wasn't always appriciated by all, but it's still a helluva lot better than not doing anything.

Like a certain poet said: People may think what the devil they please.

I wish you a better -05, and that you continue to write, have opinions and express them, here and elsewhere.

#L

 

[twelveoone]

as was said to me; "even under the best of circumstances, there are two ends to every spine, and sometimes we don't know up from down, at those times, grasshopper, it is best to sit down"
I was tutored by a zen comedian, I didn't listen to his advice all the time, I bear the scars, nobody escapes life unscathed.

What is the worst you did, irritate some? Hardly a sin.
Make an ass of yourself? Join the great club. You can always use it as a tool for learning, and it looks like you have.
This is nothing.

As for your injuries, I hope they are recoverable; diabetes, research is being done, sometime some it may be cured, it is certainly more livable with then in the past; your father, in perspective, would it be better if he was watching you. I've seen two people die horrible, painfull deaths, it is over for them now. It is who survives that are affected.

I pray for you that you find the strength to endure what must be endured. I pray for you that you find some small comfort, and wish for you the best in this sad journey.

 

[The_Fool]

Kind of a cliche, but....

"That which doesn't break us, makes us stronger..."

and

"No one stands alone, except by choice..."


and

"Pain sucks, because it hurts. But pain tells us when something's wrong..."

You have my empathy. You have my support. Many of us have shared the same or similar issues as you face. I certainly am not going to make light of them. Having said that, I know that there is a light at the end of your tunnel. I can say that because I found my own light. Patience and determination. That and support.

 

[Lauren Hynde]

 

[sandspike]

ain't no big thing

write poetry and think salty thoughts

 

[foehn]

Re: ain't no big thing

write poetry and think salty thoughts

Excellent advice. Or, if you prefer, drink poetry and eat shaved corned beef on griddle-toasted rye bread with melted swiss cheese and sauerkraut. For a special treat, substitute 4 oz. poetry with a half-cup of buttermilk. Add Wild Turkey to taste.

Not sure if that's an appropriate diet or not... not knowing much may be a rather blissful state, and if it is, it's pretty damned ignorant to feign knowledge. Hey... that sounds almost quotable! ...And no, not wordy at all...

 

[Du Lac]

Sack...

You have done the hardest part... opened yourself up, become vulnerable and let others know who and what you are. We are all asses at some time it is part of learning...growing and acceptance. Without feeling pain we can not comprehend or embrace the beauty of joy! Ying and Yang of living babe... We all suffer that is what life is about.. peaks and valleys! If it was a straight narrow road no hills valleys, deserts or jungles what the hell would we be living for?

Those simple spirit filled poems you enjoyed of mine were written in such a time as you describe yourself in now. I have never written a work before in a prose manner. I found my voice of writing because of such pain and loss. I think sometimes I can write a good work... some times they suck.. that is life! I smile now, for the journey is in the learning. My unbearable pain gave me the gift of the pen and for that I am always grateful to the people who beat the shit out of my soul! Know this you are not alone... that is why we are here.. so many are here writing about exactly what you have voiced. All on a different level of the path... that is how we learn. I know this is the poetry area.. but I want to share a story with you... so you know.. you are not alone..

Feel everything, face it, live it and know that this too shall pass... and you will see it as a gift one day... here is the story! I hope it helps so you know you are not alone.
Blessings
Du Lac~

Gray
The weather forecast called for thunderstorms today. Hot and sticky slowly the gray skies are sliding into the past. The sun is reaching back from the future demanding to live in the now. I watch the shadows of the leaves dance on my deck and think to myself what is the MORE? I am lost. No purpose in life, empty shallow at 42 I sit here and wonder what is life about? The shadows dance on the deck…gray, one dimensional, and dim. These shadows are my life. The winds of change tickles the edges, I ask when will I no longer be a shadow, but a full living leaf that is rooted to the tree?

When did my life become so empty? Many say this is depression but it is not, it is something so much more. A form of spiritual death a precious gift dying that I know I must release or forever be lost. So I sit on the deck watch the dancing grays and pray for the green.

I have always been one to say I live without regrets. That I hold all that has been an experience of my past as a gift be it good or bad. Did Parsifal feel this emptiness on his search for the holy grail? So alone, desperate and dying? Was his world gray and meaningless before he found the secret? Did he witness the gray to green miracle? Can I find the strength to witness my own color guard change?

At this moment I regret that I have not lived a more normal life. This truth stares me in the face and shouts from the tips of the leaves…edgings of green coming into focus. Yes I have some fabulous tales to spin around a campfire and laughter comes easily as the drama queen pulls out her crown in the telling. The life of a seeker is lonely. We have many experiences to share to teach and to learn from.

I can’t help thinking though at the end of the day that these experiences are the gray shadows on the deck compared to the gentle smile of a child that calls you mother. The passion of climbing a mountain face pales in comparison to listening to the steady breathing of your partner as you fall asleep at the end of the day. The comfort of writing is empty when mirrored to the sharing of your soul face to face with one you love, all the while knowing the risk of loss you take but, taking the chance anyway.

My passion for this single isolated life is dying, I miss the touch of a lover, the quiet silences and the shoulder to lean on. I miss them? I laugh, how can I miss something I never have had?

Again it is the knowing that lives deep in my essence that haunts me, telling me let go and believe. Has time tainted me? For at this moment I have little faith in what I have yet to experience, rather the knowledge of my past haunts me and calls from the dim grays that the MORE is a myth to forget and not strive for. Parsifal did you feel this? Where is the green?

I fight hard now to grasp onto anything that will make me feel. A woman so passionate about life I am now but a whisp of a ghost floating through life. Maybe I have it all wrong? Always have! This is a devastating reality to come face to face with. The quest for inner peace, pushing forward courageously, always to do good for others while seeing the best of this world in all, is this a fable?

I sit in reflection as the sun hides behind a huge black edged cloud. I ask, is there no silver lining for the seeker? I have always maintained that the religions that stated that Jesus never had a life companion were wrong. The belief that in having only himself and God was enough was a myth. I believed wholeheartedly that Jesus and Mary Magdala were two parts of one. This is union of soul, mind and body was the way to the divine. Trust, love, honor and respect shared between two people an experience that we all must strive for to reach ecstatic union with God. Not just sex people! Rather so much MORE. Now I doubt this, maybe the religions are correct. There are those of us whom are to be alone, as Christ is in the Bible to share the experiences of life and God, but never to share with another the total marriage of two souls that create passion for living. Am I giving up hope or living in reality? This thought saddens me for if I accept this as the role of my life what else will I settle for?

The sun hides still as the passion of these question fades. Where did this all come from one might ask. The truth is the answer. When one is faced with a truth about themselves we have options to take but, only one leads to a greater freedom. That option is surrender and acceptance of our responsibility. I must now speak the truth one so painful that I, like the sun, have hidden for years behind the clouds of a false reality. No longer may I hide this secret that I myself must face. The reasoning for the death of my passionate life. I must go there again.

Many have heard the story of my life, the trials and tribulations that I have survived. I have been compared to by others as having the power and essence of the Mary Magdala. I have spent months now reading of her, trying to see the resemblance. For you see, I do not see this at all. Mary Magdala was a woman of divine courage and faith. I am anything but. If I reflect on my beliefs that Mary and Jesus had a sacred marriage and that she gave birth, I see no comparison to me. This woman faced the decision, accepted the help of others and brought life into this world. I did no such thing.

Ten years ago, I made a decision in my life that lacked courage or the strength of one who holds the essence of Mary Magdala. A decision that will forever haunt me and that I believe I am being punished for. A wound that never heals. When asked what age was your favorite, I always quickly comment back 33! I go on to explain that is was the year that I changed my life. Returning to school, leaving my comfortable restaurant job, in great physical shape, facing truths and helping others. I never mention though that the age of 33 also held the worst day of my life. All these simple reasons that I state for being the best year of my life hinged on a decision that also made it the worst day of my life, a day of the coward and not accepting the gift that was given to me.

That day I sat alone on my couch crying tears that I hope I never have to shed again in this life. Then again, if presented with the same decision, I would not even consider the choice I made that day. I was pregnant, alone and afraid. The shadows on the deck are no longer visible, blocked from the sun the gray reigns as I go back to that day. A day I hid away, a choice I made that put me on a different path, one of my own free will, one that I regret.

I sat alone that day of the decision due to my own fear. This pregancy was not planned, we took precautions, I was careful and still this happens. I did what I thought was right in this relationship. I had previously had a year of celibacy and slowly dated this man. We did not sleep together until we were long into the relationship and then it was only once. I did not tell him of the child. I did not trust that he would not leave me where I was already, that of being alone. I thought to myself why take that risk? Why add fuel to the pain I was already experiencing? Why think that he would be any different than all the other men in my life? That he would actually stand by me, help and be a support. I did not even allow him the opportunity to try, I denied him the truth and myself the lesson of trust.

Alone I sat that day, on the couch speaking to a child that I did not have the heart to bring into this world. I loved this child, I wanted this child, but I lacked the courage, faith and respect for myself and God that I could do this. So instead on that day that the gray began to edge into my life, I cried and begged for forgiveness to a child that lived within me. I convinced myself that this was for the best, as I tried to convince this force I felt alive within me that same fact. I knew the child was fighting for its life, I felt it within me and the tears came harder and faster. I hated myself for lacking the faith in myself and God. I hated myself for believing that this was the right decision. Sadly, I still hate myself.

The childs voice left me that afternoon and with it my true passion in life. I chose my path. I saw the pregnancy and this child as a cage, something I feared all my life. Reality was and is, that decision to deny myself the gift of that child was the true cage. One that there is no release from, one that I live in to this day.

Slowly, I come back to the present. The sun has slipped behind the hills and dusk will soon be upon me. The cage and the bars are still there, formed by the desire of the green of a leaf. Maybe tomorrow it will be sunny and I may heal some from opening this wound. Or maybe tomorrow the sky will cry a million tears for the path I chose. I only know now, the truth is told. Before this truth was faced, I was living a lie, a mask placed before all to see. I am raw now, naked and vulnerable. Who do you see? In front of me, stands Mary Magdala smiling.

Love,

du Lac

dlt Aug.1 2004 all rights reserved

PS Sack... I was so wrong in my thinking that we are meant to be alone.... lessons babe... and you took the first step.
Du~