Chris_Xavier
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 13, 2006
- Posts
- 5,545
First of all, this post is something I have put off because I wanted to get my head right before I did this.
There has been A LOT of drama on Lit lately, and, regrettably, I was the cause of a good deal of it. Let it be clear from this line on--I take full responsibility for my actions. I am not hiding behind some psycho babble bullshit, like the Devil made me do it or anything of that sort. And for a minute or two, I need to give some back story here.
I have alluded to, in previous posts scattered across the threads, that I was in the Army for several years and was medically discharged due to a back injury. That injury has manifested itself again several times in the past 5yrs. The last time was this past July where I was literally bed ridden and couldn’t stand to be in an upright position, much less standing up.
Anyway, that injury has affected me in more than just a physical way. Over the years it has affected me psychologically as well. The sum diagnosis is that I am bipolar, or manic-depressive. This diagnosis was literally proclaimed just this past Friday. Prior to that, I had refused to acknowledge that I had any sort of “issues” until this past April when I spoke to my priest about my behavior toward the parish staff. He revealed to me that he was able to perform his duties thanks to the assistance of a little chemical adjustment prescribed to him (ironically) by the same family physician that I have as my own. This revelation emboldened me to discuss this with the aforementioned physician and to enter into counseling.
The counseling didn’t go so well as one the first session after the “get to know you” session, I was “found out”--as in this chick pegged me so hard that I was shocked to the core of my being. I refused to go back because I wasn’t ready to have my “facade” taken down.
As I mentioned, I also approached my physician for a “chemical pick-me-up”. He prescribed a drug known as Celexa. And it worked, so I thought. I was seeing things in a different light, not as prone to temper tantrums, and a lot more able to “maintain an even strain”. I felt as if I was “cured”.
Subsequently, I entered into marriage counseling with my wife. (I am now separated from her.) After the separation took place, I continued with the counseling, but on an individual basis, and, during the course of that counseling, my therapist concluded that I am bipolar. She consulted with my physician, and I have just begun a new “chemical adjustment.”
That treatment began this past Monday night, so some of this is very fresh in my realm of experiences.
Now for the rest of the story…
As a part of my bipolar dysfunction, I have caused a lot of pain to some people on these boards, and for that I am truly sorry. I can only claim that I never meant to do it as some master plan to hurt people.
I would like to say the following:
To RO – You are a special person who truly deserves to find someone who lives up to your expectations. I tried and failed. I hope you fulfill your dreams.
To NC – Your quest to learn about BDSM is one that I hope you find satisfying and worth the effort. You have found a worthy mentor. I would fail miserably where he won’t.
To H - Thank you for looking out for those to whom I was doing wrong, but for me as well. You didn’t let me get away with my wrongdoings, and that has forced me to take a hard look at myself. Hopefully, I don’t fumble the football, and one day you’ll find me worthy of your friendship.
To PG – Honestly, it would have never worked out. I’m glad we went our own way before I could seriously hurt you. I’m sorry I told your secrets.
To CW – I’m sorry I caused trouble for you. It was never my intention.
To L – You got caught up in a steamroller known as “Chris.” You definitely deserve better. I am too broken to be fixed right now, and until I am fixed, I can’t be what you need.
To EF – I’m sorry I lied to you. I’ll do my penance willingly.
To HM – I am glad we worked out our differences a long time ago. I am sorry that I tried to bait you.
To BB – despite your constant whining and thinly veiled threats, you are a true friend.
To NH – Wow.. you have knocked my socks off lady. Glad you are still along for the ride.
To BD – Dude.. get a grip and get with the right woman.. she’s awesome, you know?
To my friends who talked to me and didn’t judge me. Thank you. I really appreciate your friendship and hope when your turn comes, I’m there to help you get back to your feet again.
To the rest of the Lit bdsm community – I am sorry I ruined your playground and took up your playtime. Hopefully, I can contribute to the community again in a positive manner. I do have one request.. and this is echoing earlier sentiments--if you have a problem with me (or any other active member of the boards), rather than using the Dear X or Blurt thread as a way of shooting at someone, just be an adult and tell them privately “Hey, I have a problem with what you did or said”.
Thanks for “listening”
There has been A LOT of drama on Lit lately, and, regrettably, I was the cause of a good deal of it. Let it be clear from this line on--I take full responsibility for my actions. I am not hiding behind some psycho babble bullshit, like the Devil made me do it or anything of that sort. And for a minute or two, I need to give some back story here.
I have alluded to, in previous posts scattered across the threads, that I was in the Army for several years and was medically discharged due to a back injury. That injury has manifested itself again several times in the past 5yrs. The last time was this past July where I was literally bed ridden and couldn’t stand to be in an upright position, much less standing up.
Anyway, that injury has affected me in more than just a physical way. Over the years it has affected me psychologically as well. The sum diagnosis is that I am bipolar, or manic-depressive. This diagnosis was literally proclaimed just this past Friday. Prior to that, I had refused to acknowledge that I had any sort of “issues” until this past April when I spoke to my priest about my behavior toward the parish staff. He revealed to me that he was able to perform his duties thanks to the assistance of a little chemical adjustment prescribed to him (ironically) by the same family physician that I have as my own. This revelation emboldened me to discuss this with the aforementioned physician and to enter into counseling.
The counseling didn’t go so well as one the first session after the “get to know you” session, I was “found out”--as in this chick pegged me so hard that I was shocked to the core of my being. I refused to go back because I wasn’t ready to have my “facade” taken down.
As I mentioned, I also approached my physician for a “chemical pick-me-up”. He prescribed a drug known as Celexa. And it worked, so I thought. I was seeing things in a different light, not as prone to temper tantrums, and a lot more able to “maintain an even strain”. I felt as if I was “cured”.
Subsequently, I entered into marriage counseling with my wife. (I am now separated from her.) After the separation took place, I continued with the counseling, but on an individual basis, and, during the course of that counseling, my therapist concluded that I am bipolar. She consulted with my physician, and I have just begun a new “chemical adjustment.”
That treatment began this past Monday night, so some of this is very fresh in my realm of experiences.
Now for the rest of the story…
As a part of my bipolar dysfunction, I have caused a lot of pain to some people on these boards, and for that I am truly sorry. I can only claim that I never meant to do it as some master plan to hurt people.
I would like to say the following:
To RO – You are a special person who truly deserves to find someone who lives up to your expectations. I tried and failed. I hope you fulfill your dreams.
To NC – Your quest to learn about BDSM is one that I hope you find satisfying and worth the effort. You have found a worthy mentor. I would fail miserably where he won’t.
To H - Thank you for looking out for those to whom I was doing wrong, but for me as well. You didn’t let me get away with my wrongdoings, and that has forced me to take a hard look at myself. Hopefully, I don’t fumble the football, and one day you’ll find me worthy of your friendship.
To PG – Honestly, it would have never worked out. I’m glad we went our own way before I could seriously hurt you. I’m sorry I told your secrets.
To CW – I’m sorry I caused trouble for you. It was never my intention.
To L – You got caught up in a steamroller known as “Chris.” You definitely deserve better. I am too broken to be fixed right now, and until I am fixed, I can’t be what you need.
To EF – I’m sorry I lied to you. I’ll do my penance willingly.
To HM – I am glad we worked out our differences a long time ago. I am sorry that I tried to bait you.
To BB – despite your constant whining and thinly veiled threats, you are a true friend.
To NH – Wow.. you have knocked my socks off lady. Glad you are still along for the ride.
To BD – Dude.. get a grip and get with the right woman.. she’s awesome, you know?
To my friends who talked to me and didn’t judge me. Thank you. I really appreciate your friendship and hope when your turn comes, I’m there to help you get back to your feet again.
To the rest of the Lit bdsm community – I am sorry I ruined your playground and took up your playtime. Hopefully, I can contribute to the community again in a positive manner. I do have one request.. and this is echoing earlier sentiments--if you have a problem with me (or any other active member of the boards), rather than using the Dear X or Blurt thread as a way of shooting at someone, just be an adult and tell them privately “Hey, I have a problem with what you did or said”.
Thanks for “listening”
you. Good for you for being strong. 
