A poet who didn't know it.

[meop79]

Perhaps I'm a poet, perhaps not, anyway I have written some things and would enjoy critiques of any off them... Just please say which one you're talking about, or tell me to sod off because I obviously suck, lol...

 

[Everyday_Man]

Sod off you suck sucko ... sucker ...

there a link to these poems?

 

[meop79]

Sod off you suck sucko ... sucker ...

there a link to these poems?

It's in my sig... lol

"My submitted stories & poetry here on Lit.
https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions "

 

[butters]

howsabout you post one here that you want feedback on?

 

[meop79]

Big girls don't cry,
but we've yet to figure why...
Life is tough and bad things happen,
but we're not supposed to cry.
We muddle along and pretend in some fashion,
but I have a secret I'm not supposed to share.
Life happens, shit happens, eat shit and die, it happens,
but I've never figured how to live without my secret anywhere.
People hurt you, this is true, there's not much about that you can do
but I have a little secret...
People will hurt you and tease you, beat you and cheat you, they will hate you and rape you, they will date you and skate on you, hop you and drop you...
but I have my little secret...
I cry...

 

[butters]

overall,i like the voice here, the repetition and the sound-links you've created that draw the reader on, line to line. i even like the length of that extended run-on longer line - its pacing and layout create tension in the read.

if i were to tinker? maybe break things up a little more... has this got a title? i'd use the opening 2, italicised. if you don't object, this is kind of how i see your piece:

Big girls don't cry
but we've yet to figure why...

Life is tough and bad things happen
but we're not supposed to cry

We muddle along, pretend some fashion
but I've a secret that I'm not supposed to share

Life happens, shit happens, eat shit and die, it happens
but I've never figured how to live without my secret anywhere

People hurt you, this is true, there's not much you can do but
I have a little secret...

People will hurt you and tease you, beat you and cheat you, they'll hate you and
rape you, date you and skate on you, hop you and drop you...

but I have my little secret...
I cry

 

[butters]

my omission of punctuation might be putting too much of my own style as a slant on your write, but i felt the line breaks + italics created enough differentiation to render additional punctuation superfluous. just my opinion, nothing more. breaking the write into 2-liners gave it a little breathing space, allowing each individual image/thought room to sink in.

i'm sure others will have their own advice and suggestions and we're all going to differ, so you need to decide what, if any, feels right before you make any changes to your original.

 

[meop79]

It is titled Big Girls Don't Cry, and I like the spacing and effect, thanks.

 

[meop79]

This one has been getting down-voted but I like it... So What do you think?

Tickle You by Meop79

You've been very naughty!

Fingers grazing up your sides, watching you squirm and worm, and wiggle.
You can't get away, my fingers following.
Your laughter rings like bells, your joking threats as well.
You twist and whirl but nothing doing, I've got you.

You collapse in laughter, giving in.
Following you down I tickle your skin and follow it up with nibbles and tickles and tickles and hugs and rolling around on the rug.
You tickle me back but can't hardly manage, I've got you and you tickle so well.

So many spots to tickle, so much territory to explore, to tickle to nibble, to explore and adore, to kiss and to hug, to lick and to nip, to pursue, yes to follow, to lead, and to tease, and to please on your knees, to tickle and hug, to say we're in love...