a poem that Xtaabay liked, so I'll try it here

[CrowSingsOver]

There is a woman I know
With the passion of a wave
that rolls along tranquil shorelines

that beats upon my hips
a gesture of greetings or a comment
that almost knocks me over

but her passion is what drives her
what keeps her light as foam
feeling the moon's pull on her soul

I hear her voice

inside a shell: her curving body
wrapped around itself in ecstasy
and singing in low, beautiful tones.


now, my fishy friend, can this help you get out of the sludge and dissapointment of other more "Hallmarkian" efforts?

 

[CrowSingsOver]

oh yes, and this was written for xtaabay, it just seemed right.

 

[WickedEve]

I know many poets who have been writing for a while cringe at most poems that use passion, soul and ecstasy, but I like what you wrote. There's just enough nice imagery in it to make it work.

that beats upon my hips
a gesture of greetings or a comment
that almost knocks me over

Good stanza.

 

[Rybka]

I know many poets who have been writing for a while cringe at most poems that use passion, soul and ecstasy, but I like what you wrote. There's just enough nice imagery in it to make it work.

that beats upon my hips
a gesture of greetings or a comment
that almost knocks me over

Good stanza.

What she said!

Regards,                                 Rybka

 

[karmadog]

The passion of a wave on a tranquil shore? What exactly are you saying?

 

[Guest]

I like it!

Personally, I like it! I'm even flattered
My favorite part is:

inside a shell: her curving body
wrapped around itself in ecstasy
and singing in low, beautiful tones.

I really like that imagery, but maybe that's just because I like to wrap around myself in ecstasy; except that I don't sing when I ... erm... hehe.. nevermind. But I do sometimes make low tones of some sort..

But the best thing about this poem: I didn't find any spelling mistakes!!! woo hooo!!!!

--Xtaabay

 

[Guest]

oops.. I misfired...

.

 

[CrowSingsOver]

thanks for the great comments, except for karmadog...that was a bit ADD of him.

-Crow

 

[karmadog]

I suffer from a lot of things, but ADD isn't one of them.

It's a mixed metaphor. You may be aiming for contrast, but it doesn't work. The rest of the poem is ok.

 

[Angeline]

mixed metaphors

thanks for the great comments, except for karmadog...that was a bit ADD of him.

hmmmmm...

Well I must have ADD *too,* cause I think you need a different verb here.

Here is the problem I see:

With the passion of a wave
that rolls along tranquil shorelines

Look at this definition of shoreline from merriamwebster.com

Main Entry: shore·line
Pronunciation: -"lIn
Function: noun
Date: 1852
1 : the line where a body of water and the shore meet
2 : the strip of land along the shoreline

No matter which of these definitions you assume--anything at the shoreline that is very active or passionate (i.e., a crashing wave, shrieking children with sandpails--I've spent a lotta time at the shore, lol) will disturb its tranquility. (In fact, unless the sea is roiling from a storm, what's left of a wave when it meets the shore is fairly tranquil itself--at least at the Jersey shore.) Not that you can't assume crashing waves, but if you do then I think you need a verb other than "rolls' in order to suggest the *disturbance* of tranquility.

I would use something like 'invade'

with the passion of a wave
invading tranquil shoreline

I think that's more accurate and visual--gives you a more powerful image, and if you're trying to say that this is a strong person who has a powerful effect--that deserves more than 'rolls along.'

Just my opinion--think about it.

 

[CrowSingsOver]

Wow, she got the dictionary out for me? I usually just get mine out so I wont ruffle Rybka's feathery tail fin with bad spelling. And the ADD comment was because I wasn't quite getting what karmadog was trying to say, but you've explained it very well. I don't like the word "invading". It's too masculine, does that make sense? I guess I'm just not good at getting back into whatever place I was when I wrote it. That's probably why I throw away my poems rather than edit them. It feels like I'm doing surgery to try and fix something and then end up messing up the whole thing. I'll delete this poem and try to do better with the next submission.

 

[Rybka]

How about "breaks" for the word if you don't like "crashes" or "thunders"?

Regards,                         Rybka

 

[Angeline]

Wow, she got the dictionary out for me? I usually just get mine out so I wont ruffle Rybka's feathery tail fin with bad spelling. And the ADD comment was because I wasn't quite getting what karmadog was trying to say, but you've explained it very well. I don't like the word "invading". It's too masculine, does that make sense? I guess I'm just not good at getting back into whatever place I was when I wrote it. That's probably why I throw away my poems rather than edit them. It feels like I'm doing surgery to try and fix something and then end up messing up the whole thing. I'll delete this poem and try to do better with the next submission.

Baby, you're worth the dictionary! I can be long-winded, I know, but I wanted to be clear. One of the things that I've learned from my poet pals here--maybe the most important thing--is how to think critically about my own poems so I can edit them. I wanted to try to convey some of that, too. I edit everything I write--sometimes months later. At first yes editing does feel like you're patching, but you get over it--and forcing yourself to think about how to make a poem better will make you, over time, a better poet.

I really hope you hang on to your poem--it's got some really good stuff in it. Not everyone would agree with me, but few poems are totally irredeemable.

And I understand about "invading"--my suggestions are just that--suggestions.