A poem I'd like feedback on, please.

[enjoyingitall]

I've been writing poetry since my teenage years. Some of my attempts I like, some I read over and all I can say is "what was I thinking?" I've taught poetry to high school students for quite a while as well.
I've read many of the poems here, and there is certainly an abundance of talent. I had critiques from college professors about some of my poems and some from classmates. But that was long ago and far away. So, I suppose I'm curious now. I'd really like to have some feedback on this poem called "Clouded Dreams." Thanks for taking the time



http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47582

Edited to say: Seems that link doesn't work. I've doubled checked it, still not working.

 

[Debbie]

I am not sure why your link isn't working,
hope this one works for you.


http://literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47582

Edited it to say yes it is working.

I liked your poem, especially these lines,

"And dreams have a way of recalling old foes
Lingering demons are hard to erase"

You get your message across well in the
poem.

"My dreams were clouded with the realities of the past"

Just a few suggestions to make the poem
flow a little better.

"My dreams clouded with realities of the past"

"Gone were the tender kisses, the warm embraces
Replaced by cold shivers upon my skin
Gone were the feelings of protection, of love
Replaced by insecurities and doubts"


Reptition seems to lose some of the poem's full essence, IMHO

"Gone were tender kisses, warm embraces
Replaced by cold shivers upon my skin
Lost the feelings of protection, of love
Replaced by insecurities and doubts"

Thank you for sharing with us.
Hope to see more of you and that you will
feedback on other poets work.

 

[Star At Sunrise]

Very Cool

Hi enjoyingitall!

Thanks for sharing your poem, I thought it was really interesting. Each verse seems to counter the others though.

"One cold winter’s night I lay dreaming
My dreams were clouded with the realities of the past
How I longed to let go of all those dark dreary moments"
* This seems to say to me the "dark dreary moments" are those "past realities" that are currently clouding the narrators dreams.

"But dreams have a way of masking the truth
The happiness I thought I had found, now gone"
* See, I thought the first line sets up the next, and implied the second line was actually the truth; that the happiness was something you had only "thought" you found, and that it was now gone.

"Gone were the tender kisses, the warm embraces
Replaced by cold shivers upon my skin
Gone were the feelings of protection, of love
Replaced by insecurities and doubts"
* This seems to really be a description of the disturbing dreams, and not the reality. But the first time I read it, I related it to the preceding line, and therefor thought that this was a description of the truth that was "masked" by the dreams.

"I awaken in fear, but I see you curled up beside me
I reach out to you, needing to feel the reality of you
My touch is light and gentle, not meant to stir
Only meant to defy the demons."
* This ending seems strangely bleak. I don't see much joy in it. Also there seems to be some distance between the two people in the poem.

Anyways! I hope my feedback is okay. I know nothing about anything, so take my comments as you will! Thanks for posting your poem!!!

 

[enjoyingitall]

Thanks for your comments, debbie and star.
I agree that the flow of the poem needs a bit of fine tuning. Thanks for your suggestions debbie.
Star, what I was trying to get across was that the dream seemed real, with reminders of my real past, but when I awaken, I am comforted by the sight of my present life. And the "touch" sends all the old thoughts that were in the dream away. Perhaps I didn't quite get out the ideas I was having.
Thanks again for the comments.

 

[Guest]

Enjoyingitall..nice name ...first of all i'd like to say as a dream expert..that i really enjoye your poem...secondly...Dreams are reality..just in a different form..they can guide you or warn you about something you may need to change in your life...
your dreams my dear..are indeed your truth..just my opinion humbly offered......Angel......keep your dreams heavenly/..
altho naughty ones are fun too...