A Poem I Wrote

[mkweezy]

I'm not sure if this is exactly the right place to post this, but feel free to move it if need be.

I wrote this recently while I was attending my first semester of college and had being going to school about 3 1/2 hours (roughly) away from my long time (2 year) girlfriend. We ended up breaking up about mid-way through the first semester due to her moving into an apartment with a couple of guys I didn't really care for and she became a completely different person because of it and she slowly started avoiding me more and more as time went on. We didn't talk for about six months after we split and she still doesn't know about this poem that I wrote but enough of the dabble...

It's titled My Love for You.

My love for you is undying, everlasting
My heart aches for your touch, lovingly
My soul weeps as you leave me alone, unwanted
I don’t like being the other
For I want to be the only one
Tears form and roll off my cheek, unscaved
Thoughts run through my head relentlessly, emotionally
Girl I know you don’t want us to be
But I want us to become what we once were
I don’t want to take the backseat
When I want to be the driver

Racing through my head is my thoughts
Falling off my cheek are my tears
Aching for your touch is my heart
Alone when you are away is my soul​

Please post any comments or anything, I'll try and respond as fast as I can.

 

[butters]

I'm not sure if this is exactly the right place to post this, but feel free to move it if need be.

I wrote this recently while I was attending my first semester of college and had being going to school about 3 1/2 hours (roughly) away from my long time (2 year) girlfriend. We ended up breaking up about mid-way through the first semester due to her moving into an apartment with a couple of guys I didn't really care for and she became a completely different person because of it and she slowly started avoiding me more and more as time went on. We didn't talk for about six months after we split and she still doesn't know about this poem that I wrote but enough of the dabble...

It's titled My Love for You.

*snip*

Please post any comments or anything, I'll try and respond as fast as I can.

sorry you split with someone you didn't want to. life has a way of doing stuff. BUT - at least it brought about inspiration for you to get your feelings down on paper/screen. A lot of poetry like this is best not shown to your ex. But by all means mine every nugget of sensation, every nuance, every real or imagined slight if it helps your writing.

Now, your poem here:

this seems to me as if you have down what you feel/felt, so the 'what you want to say' part of the business about making poetry. However, for it to engage the reader you need to allow them into the poem somehow. Right now it's about you and her and your angst. The reader isn't invited in and nothing about the phrasing or pace, imagery or sonics touches me as a reader. Others may disagree. What i'd personally suggest here is that you keep each of those thoughts from your poem in mind, and now look for the best way to say them. This is the harder part of writing poetry, and should you choose to work on this then i'd be happy to look at how you develop it.

good luck

p.s unscaved? unscathed?

 

[Angeline]

sorry you split with someone you didn't want to. life has a way of doing stuff. BUT - at least it brought about inspiration for you to get your feelings down on paper/screen. A lot of poetry like this is best not shown to your ex. But by all means mine every nugget of sensation, every nuance, every real or imagined slight if it helps your writing.

Now, your poem here:

this seems to me as if you have down what you feel/felt, so the 'what you want to say' part of the business about making poetry. However, for it to engage the reader you need to allow them into the poem somehow. Right now it's about you and her and your angst. The reader isn't invited in and nothing about the phrasing or pace, imagery or sonics touches me as a reader. Others may disagree. What i'd personally suggest here is that you keep each of those thoughts from your poem in mind, and now look for the best way to say them. This is the harder part of writing poetry, and should you choose to work on this then i'd be happy to look at how you develop it.

good luck

p.s unscaved? unscathed?

This is an excellent critique, I think.

~Mkweezy, if you wrote this for someone and you're satisfied with it that's the main thing. Our poems are more important to us as individuals than to anyone else. But Chip has pointed out that your words are generic and vanilla to the point of telling me nothing interesting or unique about you and her and this experience you had. That doesn't make you an awful poet, but it does make you a very inexperienced one. If you want to pursue poetry, you need to do two things: 1) read poetry every day and discover why you like what you like; and 2) write every day. The more you read and write, the more you'll understand poetry and improve at it. And if you don't want to do that it's cool, too, but that is my honest opinion.

 

[mkweezy]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I appreciate it. I've been writing consistently for about four years [short 1st Person stories] but have only ventured into the poetry realm a few times. I'll take all this in and hopefully improve on my writing.

 

[butters]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I appreciate it. I've been writing consistently for about four years [short 1st Person stories] but have only ventured into the poetry realm a few times. I'll take all this in and hopefully improve on my writing.

I bet you write much better short stories than me

welcome to the poetry forum.

 

[Angeline]

Yes mqw, and thank you for being so, well, cool about the critique. Usually people ask for honest feedback and then get pissed when they hear it.

I'm sure you are a better short story writer than me, too. I have only written a few of them. It's a lot harder than poetry for me.

If you do decide to stick around and write more, there are some wonderful knowledgable people here.

 

[Sunndance07]

i love it!!!

 

[jackbency]

I'm not sure if this is exactly the right place to post this, but feel free to move it if need be.

I wrote this recently while I was attending my first semester of college and had being going to school about 3 1/2 hours (roughly) away from my long time (2 year) girlfriend. We ended up breaking up about mid-way through the first semester due to her moving into an apartment with a couple of guys I didn't really care for and she became a completely different person because of it and she slowly started avoiding me more and more as time went on. We didn't talk for about six months after we split and she still doesn't know about this poem that I wrote but enough of the dabble...

It's titled My Love for You.

My love for you is undying, everlasting
My heart aches for your touch, lovingly
My soul weeps as you leave me alone, unwanted
I don’t like being the other
For I want to be the only one
Tears form and roll off my cheek, unscaved
Thoughts run through my head relentlessly, emotionally
Girl I know you don’t want us to be
But I want us to become what we once were
I don’t want to take the backseat
When I want to be the driver

Racing through my head is my thoughts
Falling off my cheek are my tears
Aching for your touch is my heart
Alone when you are away is my soul​

Please post any comments or anything, I'll try and respond as fast as I can.

I like your poem because this is regarding love poem. I'll dedicate this poem to my spouse. After reading your poem, I became speechless. This poem is very indeed and meaningful. From bottom of my heart I am saying that I loved this poem very much.

 

[sashpa25]

Awesome poem!!!i really like your poem.

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[roses1980]

ok, first and foremost, as sadi before, if this is for one person, then it did it's job. but stylistically, got some pointers for ya if you want them, been writing for a while, and reading poetry for it seems like ever...

you cadence, ie, the natural way to pronounce the words, slows this down and speeds it up in different parts. the beginning has it nice and slow. the next few lines are faster, and the wave continues. if this was your goal, outstanding, now if you did that on purpose... (I kid, still can't do that on purpose...)

easy way to do this is word choice. using bigger words that take longer to say, or smaller truncated words, makes the rythm of the poem change, allowing you to control how the reader follows the thought on the page. (bit of a nerd rage there, one of my fave's to do.)

but as covered before. work on the wording a bit more, try saying it outloud, might catch a few lines that make you stumble a bit and thats the best editing you can do.

keep writing
Morgan