A poem for critique-- thank you

[letterman999]

"Common"

My mediocrity is like a old towel. Hooray.
What can I say? The morning sun persists
in common golden rays. Nor can cliché excise
its glow. The blinding light resists
all shadowed residue since you rose
beneath it. Languid moods settle the tongue.
A cache of sunlit hours, admitted few,
might skirt convention's path. Still, here among
the pabulum, my ordinary heart shines through.
What's between your lips, that tongue itself
seems the electric current of words. I'm here
to press the cause for cliche. As for your skin--
translucent pearl, a petal, a neutral veneer.
Are you a vessel spoken for? That's sovereign
to poets. Though middle of the road, I dazzle
with finesse. Your plainess and mine? Happiness.

 

[bogusagain]

"Common"

My mediocrity is like a old towel. Hooray.
What can I say? The morning sun persists
in common golden rays. Nor can cliché excise
its glow. The blinding light resists
all shadowed residue since you rose
beneath it. Languid moods settle the tongue.
A cache of sunlit hours, admitted few,
might skirt convention's path. Still, here among
the pabulum, my ordinary heart shines through.
What's between your lips, that tongue itself
seems the electric current of words. I'm here
to press the cause for cliche. As for your skin--
translucent pearl, a petal, a neutral veneer.
Are you a vessel spoken for? That's sovereign
to poets. Though middle of the road, I dazzle
with finesse. Your plainess and mine? Happiness.

I don't want to speak out of turn but it reads like a pastische but I'm not sure of who. Rather like you're writing something to read like poetry rather than writing poetry you actually believe in.

It's a common problem. People want to write poetry so they write what they think is poetry. Which is understandable because when you have an independent and unique voice, there will be enough people lining up to say what you write isn't poetry.

As someone who enjoys poetry, I would rather hear a unique poetry voice rather than care whether it is 'real poetry' or not.

 

[corndog_]

BB is spot on. Almost mechanical-- was it generated by software?

Perhaps HAL would love it.

 

[bronzeage]

It was long ago I learned, everything which is not a poem, is just a new form of poetry. Thus was the 7 line non-rhyming limerick born.

If anything can be a poem, it leaves us to divide them into words we want to read, and words which we read, but see no meaning. As Bogus said, it sounds poemy, but doesn't quite make it.

There maybe something here. It has a melancholy tone, starting with the declaration of mediocrity in the first line, but it leaves the reader hanging on the line. It's an interesting simile, and a familiar image, but why is your mediocrity like and old towel? If you want to use arcane symbols, let us in on the secret.

Poetry does not need to be a secret code. The imagery should be used to reveal emotion and meaning, not conceal it.

 

[letterman999]

Thanks

Thanks all for the crits.

I wanted what I got--

You want
more guts;
less thought.

letterman(((

 

[bogusagain]

Thanks all for the crits.

I wanted what I got--

You want
more guts;
less thought.

letterman(((

No. More guts and more thought. You need to consider the subject/theme in regard to the emotional and intellectual content, which is where the imagery and structure come in. Different balances create different results. The problem is, there are no right or wrong ways, that is for you to decide but if you are getting the same message back from everyone, it might be worth taking note. Of course, all that is easy to say and not so easy to do, as we all know very well from experience.

 

[letterman999]

Considerations.

The poem was considered 'cold,'
mechanical, generated rather
than composed.

It's true. I try to strip from
the poem all emotion.

I wonder if it's possible
and still be a poem?

letterman999

 

[bronzeage]

The poem was considered 'cold,'
mechanical, generated rather
than composed.

It's true. I try to strip from
the poem all emotion.

I wonder if it's possible
and still be a poem?

letterman999

Sure. It would be a mechanical non-emotional poem. If you want to write unemotional poems, I suggest haiku.