A non sexual question for the guys

[Ezzie]

I'll gladly take advice from men or women but just thought the guys would have a better time answering it.


What can make a man fear commitment? I'm "seeing" this guy who everyone around me refers to as my boyfriend but he claims we're just friends. I see him sometimes 4 to 5 nights a week, we go out to dinner, we stay in and watch movies. We do everything together. He's met my daughter, knows my best friend (She introduced us) and not to mention I'm carrying his child. We have pet names for each, exchange gifts and know the details of the other's past. But yet, as Tiggs well knows "We're not a couple" So I'm just wondering what defines a "Relationship" that's more than just friends and how can I convince him that I'm not one of his ex's that lead him on and tossed him out when and old flame came back into the picture.

I'm not whining about what we have together, just wish I knew what it takes to be considered more than friends. Any advice?

 

[Curious Guy]

hmmmm?

Looks like a duck, flies like a duck, swims like a duck. Checking.... yep it has feathers.

Damn, must be a duck.

Even gonna have a little duckling.

Naaawwwwwww..... couldn't be a duck.

Is Ezzie actually pronounced : EASY

Sounds like a relationship to me.

 

[Ezzie]

No, it's not pronounced Easy. But my other nickname is EZ. Go figure, the one girl who really doesn't fool around much sexually gets tagged "Easy"... guess it could be worse, I could be tagged "loose" LOL

And thanks CG, sounds like one to me too.

 

[Samuari]

Ezzie, it seems to me that carrying his child (does he know, by the way?) makes this much more than just a causal freindship. Your daughter is allready involved, and a fourth person is here, and must be provided for. Wiether he likes it or not, you are a family.

The question at hand, is more one of how are you going to organize your lives (or life together) to provide this child all the kind of life that it so richly deserves.

I think that marriage counsiling may be in order, to help the both of you sort past the old relationships in order to focus on what you want to build.

And finaly, praying helps. I'm going to light a candel for the four of you now.

 

[Treat]

Ezzie, if you do not think of it as an intimate relationship, then you would not be carrying his child. True enough there are times and situations when men and women can become such close friends that things happen and you have to deal with them. If you feel the way you do, but yet are carrying his child, then there is more there than you have let on and are telling us, 'the viewing audience' if you will. Having friends, real close and true friends of the opposite sex can be good, yet bad in ways, as you are now seeing. The main thing you need to ask yourself is if what you have said about how you feel is the truth? I lost a friend I had for ten years because of her birthday and a simple kiss. I regret it to this day, and wish I could change things. But you two and intimacy became a factor and becuase of it the latter has become. Do you really feel what you are saying, or are you saying that to just make your point? That is something only you know darlin.

Because he has met your daughter and all is beside the point. People can become friends and share intimacy on a certain level. But when it progresses to the level which it has for you, you have to ask yourself are you telling the truth, are you being true about your feelings for him?

No matter what talk to him and work things out. If you are carrying his child you do hold some sort of compassion and feelings for him. If not then you would not be. Open your mind and heart and let the truth flow, no matter how much you think it should or should not be, or how much you want it not or not to be.

I was involved in a similar situation, and if you would like to talk, get at me via email, and we can talk. Believe me, it is much different from the male perspective. Maybe, hopefully, you understand where I am coming from.

[Edited by Treat on 10-09-2000 at 03:07 PM]

 

[wolfy]

Relationship

Even friendship is a relationship. I think he may be scared of getting married or calling it a relationship if he has been married before and devorced. Or even if his parents didn't have a good relationship when he was a kid. It is a change and if you love someone and are happy with your life that can be scary. Many times I've seen great relationships destroyed by marriage and I think that is just sad.

I do think that all changes when you have kids tho. Once a child joins the picture then you no longer only have a relationship with your partner. You both have a relationship with your child and I think a responsibility to give that child a loving caring family to grow up in. If your bf knows that you are pregnant with his child I suggest you seriosly talk to him about how you feel and what you both plan for the future. I don't mean you have to get married. I'm not religious and marriage just seems pointless to me since people don't stay the same forever. But hopefully you both love eachother and want to spend the forseeable future together.
I wish you well and hope everything works out!
Congrats on being pregnant!!!!

 

[Ezzie]

Well, looks like I have lots of questions to answer so here goes...

First off, yes he knows I'm pregnant and he's decided to stick by me.

He's never been married, he's only 22. I've been married and seperated/divorcing for almost 20 months.

I want the whole relationship, you know, the sleep overs, I love you's, things like that but it seems like he's a little resistant and I don't want to force him into something and then scare him off for good. I do love him, I'm not so sure I'm IN love with him (I believe there's a big difference.) but yes, I wish he would become a permanent fixture in our lives.

I guess it's a lot more complicated than I thought and I'm a little too shy to just out and tell him what I want so maybe the best thing to do is let nature run it's course and see what happens. Thank you all for the advice, it's greatly appreciated.

 

[Treat]

EZ, as in any relationship there are always many questions to be answered. And with the factor of a child being involved there is going to be more. You say you know you want more but are unsure of what he wants. Ask him sweetie! If it comes to that then ask him and go from there. You already said he is going to stick by you and all, so that is a sign to you that he truly cares. People, both men and women say this and that and what they should have done, or wonder what would have happened if they have done this or that. Make your feelings known, and let him know. if it is not what you seek or desire at least then you know what direction to handle the situation. I know this is an abrupt approach but it is better to get straight to the point than beat around the bush.

Again, i know how it is because of a similar situation, and I being a male might offer some advice yet unseen to you. Contact me if you want to. NO, I am not trying to do anything, just trying to be an ear and soul that has gone through the same thing from the opposite side of the spectrum.

 

[wolfy]

Nature already has

Nature already ran it's course I think. You are having a child. I think the time has come to talk with him seriously about how you feel even if it's really hard to do. I have really strong feelings about children and families. I really think two people should love eachother before having kids. I realize this dosn't always happen and the world isn't perfect but talking to him can't hurt I don't want to have kids myself and don't want to be married. I would like a serious long term relationship tho. If I got someone pregnant tho I would deal with reality and love that person as much as I could. Not only for them and the child but for myself as well.

Good luck Ezzie......Hope everythign works out

 

[MinkSoul]

hmmm.... it sounds like the young gentilman in question might be experiencing a bit of Fear of the Unknown.... combine that with a couple of ex-girlfriends who dumped him (and maybe dumped On him at the same time). I know it would make me a bit .....reluctant. I have no advice, I don't do that very well so I've decided not to inflict it on anyone. But I wish you all the Luck and Love you can get your hands on.
By the way....did I mention the fact that pregnant women are Sexxy?

 

[Closet Desire]

maybe not what you want to hear

Hi Ezzie,

I'm 42 and married to the most delightful, delicious, and adorable woman I've ever known. We've been married for just over three years, serious about one another for five (and...mmm...married to other people for two of those years). We were married to others for over twenty years that we should have never married. We had reservations but went through with it anyway, thinking closeness, love, and intimacy would develop. It never happened. The sad thing is everybody suffered, including the three children (who live with us now). To find the happiness and intimacy we had always hoped for, not to mention the dynamite sensual relationship, we had to find it from the very beginning, in each other.

I don't know anything about you so won't comment about you. I just thought you might like to hear someone else's experience.

Cheers

 

[Ezzie]

Thank you...

With all the advice and people willing to talk to me in private, I've gotten a lot of support. I'm sure things will change and life will go on.

Now, for pregnant women being sexy? I sure don't feel that way but reading that brought a smile to my face, Mink. LOL

 

[Samuari]

pregnant and sexy, you bet

I'm sure that as you go through the stages of pergnancy, you will not feel very sexy, but be assured, you are. It is hard to put your finger on why, maybe it has something to do with thid id the purpose for sex after all? We had five pregnancies, and She was starlingly beautiful during each one. Oh I know that her back hurt, and her feet hurt, and she was constipated, and couldn't get comfortable to sleep; but damn she was sexy! Good luck Sexy Ezzie!

 

[Guest]

fear of committment.

I hear about this, and I really do wonder what's going on for this guy, in his mind.

How are his parents doing? Are they together? Seperate? Do they get along very well? If his first, strongest example of a close relationship was one where the two people seemed to dislike eachother, then it's not too surprising that he would be frightened of that happening to him.

He hasn't been married.. Has he been serious about someone before? Had his heart broken after a long relationship? If he has been involved with someone, and been soured on the experience, I he might be afraid to accept that label again.

As for carrying his child, I don't want to be cold about this, but fathering a child doesn't really require extreme emotional involvement on his part. Does he want you to have the child? Does he think you're going to use the child to "trap" him? Would he be right?

You already have a daughter.. How old are you? What happened to the father? That, too, might be something which will frighten him away.

I agree with the earlier posts, couples therapy would be a good thing. Also, if you're showing, then scan a pic of yourself standing in profile and upload it to the amateur section. I don't know about myself, but I'm sure one or two people on this board would appreciate it.

I honestly hope things work out for you. I frankly believe the guy is being a bit of a jerk, if he's not willing to accept that he's in a relationship. Maybe not grown up completely.

 

[bobbyprize]

A lot of guys fear commitment because they think it means they are getting old. they dont want to have to face all of the decisions that go with a committed relationship. They feel like if they get married that they are losing their chance of exploring the great unknown ie other women. Of course this is just my opinion so you can take it as you see fit.

 

[Samuari]

A lot of guys fear commitment because they think it means they are getting old. they dont want to have to face all of the decisions that go with a committed relationship. They feel like if they get married that they are losing their chance of exploring the great unknown ie other women. Of course this is just my opinion so you can take it as you see fit.

Take it from someone who has 25 yrs experance, I'm tempted.

 

[MischievousGntlman]

relationship

No disrespect, but why don't you ask him instead of us?

Most guys I know (myself included) like open directness from a woman. That does NOT mean confrontation, but a friendly "no-strings" curiousity is usually welcome.

Mischievous Gentleman

 

[Ezzie]

Not from this guy, trust me. And I've already decided to do this on my own, it'd be healthier for everyone involved.

 

[Samuari]

Good Luck

I am afraid that you may need it. Keep us posted on your progress.

 

[Ezzie]

Thank you, Samuari

I'm afraid I'll need the luck too. But I know I can make it through this, I'm too tough to give up.

 

[svenj]

My campaign to open minds continues...

First of all, you are in a relationship. I am in a relationship with the guy that delivers my mail, for Chrissakes...you know why? Because we talk (or "relate") with one another. If the guy loves you, if he does things with you that are entertaining for both of you, then great. That's alot more than alot of people will ever find. But people at large have this compulsion to question every situation...they need to label it, to package it, to know exactly what it is in standard social terms. I just got finished telling a guy how the world conditions us to look for monogomistic relationships that are cleanly defined, e.g. marriage. The result is alot of people end up repressed and unhappy. They'll never get to know themselves, what they really need or want, what makes them orgasm harder than anything else. That's depressing. If what you are looking for is a cleanly defined relationship, and this guy is much happier just existing with you and near you, then you might put stress on a situation where there previously was no stress.

I'm not saying that we should rewrite the laws of the universe, I'm just saying that we should be more honest with ourselves and each other. And no matter what you think of any other theory that I might have, you can't possibly disagree with that. Unless you are evil.

C.

 

[Ezzie]

Evil, yes. Stupid, no.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not even sure I want a relationship with the baby's dad. I'm happy with the way things are. I'm free to come and go as I please just as he is. I haven't pressed the issue with him in a few months and we're happy. We see each other usually more than once a week, we go out, we have fun and we know that right now, friendship is the best thing for us. I got pregnant by him under unusal circumstances and that in itself put a lot of stress and strain on both of us so I've decided to not add fuel to the fire so to speak. I'm happier than I have been in weeks. No more wondering what will come of this because I'm content knowing that I'm happy with the way things are right now. I don't resent him, I'm not angry with him and I'm not trying to avoid him at all costs. Whatever happens, happens and that's good enough for me.

Thanks for the advice, svenj. I'm always open to everyone's suggestions but I can tell you honestly that evilness runs in blood. But I'm not that bad... most of the time. lol

 

[Samuari]

Which chromosome is that?

I can tell you honestly that evilness runs in blood. But I'm not that bad... most of the time. lol

That is a lot of hog wash that is giving you a lot of bagage that you not only don't need, but is flatly untrue. Evilness is a choice that is made, not something that your parents gave you or that you can give this baby that you are carrying, like blue eyes or red hair. You have an array of choices, and so far as I can tell from your posts, you have chosen responsably, and are dealing with the consiquences of thosxe choices. Don't start coping out on us, with "bad blood". Sheech, next we'll be hearing "the devil made me do it." You have made your desisions the way that I hope that my daughters would if they were in your shoes, and I asm very proud of them... and you.

 

[Ezzie]

It's obvious you don't understand

I joke around a lot about my behavior, I'm NOT blaming anyone for it, especially my parents. I do what I do because I CHOOSE to do so, not because someone made me. I don't fall prey to peer pressure, I don't try to be someone I'm not and when I do something bad or wrong, I blame myself and myself only. My quote of "Evilness runs in my blood" was not directed at anyone in my family, I'm semi evil by choice. I don't go out and hurt people intentionally, I raise my daughter in a very loving enviroment, I don't rob old people or little children on Halloween. I'm evil in my own ways and most of it is directed at ME and no one else. I'm extremely quick tempered and that does have a lot to do with my family, we're Irish. I do run off at the mouth for causes I believe in and I will stand up for my friends and my family. I don't worship the devil, I don't sacrifice virgins or animals but I'm far from being a nice girl and that's what I think makes me somewhat evil, by choice.

Samuari, take a chance and get to know me before you think bad things about me, especially when it comes to me blaming other people for my actions. You'll see that I'm very upfront and honest to point where it's blunt and can come off as somewhat rude. I don't do that intentionally either but I really hate beating around the bush. I hope you don't read this and think "Sheesh, what a bitch" because I'm really a good person, just have a bad side to me like we all do.

http://smilecwm.tripod.com/net5/smile-mad.gif

 

[Ezzie]

And one last thing,

Thank you for saying you're proud of me. That's one thing not many people will tell me. They call me iresponsible and immature because I won't "force" the father of the baby to commit to me. I make ends meet on my own, I don't need him if he chooses to not be a part of his child's life. Like you said before, it's all about choices and whatever he decides to do is something HE has to live with. Anyway, thank you again. I'm proud of me too.