A new story to review -- please

[writelove]

One of my stories was just approved and is at the link below.

I have written several other stories on this site attempting to make each a bit different.

I know we have many skillful writers at this site and I certainly could use the suggestions, ideas, etc.

Tail For Two

 

[JuliaHart]

Kept my interest

I am no expert in feedback or comments. I am new at writing. I do know that I liked your story. Actually it was great, more than just a bunch of people screwing non stop. It made me feel something.

At first I thought you made the woman a bit pathetic. But you did draw me in at the end.

At the beginning you said We rather than I then the rest of the story you said I. I didn't like that.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

JuliaHart, welcome, welcome.

Don't be nervous. The willingness to say what you think is more than a passport to comment here - and I agree with what you say, for the little it is worth.

Please, hang around and comment when writers ask for opinions. Thanks for joining in.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You writing is improved, Writelove. This story will get you into the "H" catagory. Well done.

I'm not sure if it's Lit or what but I'm seeing on my screen -

"You got it -- loneliness -- that's my middle name. What's yours -- hunger?"

You need to watch the double dash. When a dash is needed, one will do.

Yeah, Julia. What Elle said.

 

[writelove]

JuliaHart,

Thanks for reading the story. I will correct the We/I problem.

The woman was a bit pathetic that is true. I wrote it from my recollections of a friend I knew in the past who was left with two young children, when a controlling husband simply died on her. She loved and feared him.

Jenny Jackson,

Thanks for your positive response. Realizing your frank way of providing feedback, I know that such a thing from you means something.

About the "--" instead of "-". I never even considered what was correct grammatically. Thanks for the informaton.

 

[christabelll]

Okay I went and read it...
Interesting premise...
Over all I liked the style, but found myself wondering when it would kick into gear.
It got to second... then puttered in idle for the rest of the story.
Your grasp of subtle detail is nice
Punctuation actually very good.
But again - after the "grey lady" left the scene (don't want to give it away)
It shifted such gears that it was almost as if it were a different story.
Personally I would have liked to have seen more happening between the man and woman before you put us at the end of their ummm.... lives.


Good Effort.
I want to see more.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

writelove

First, if you want just a hyphen - like 'twenty-one' - no spaces and a single dash. If you're posting in MS Word, you can create pauses by typing word {space} lower-case dash {space} word {space}. The short dash automatically lengthens then into a long em-dash. If you want to end on a long dash, go back carefully and delete everything back to the end of the long dash.

It's a lot easier in RL than that para looks but I can't do it on the board.

As for Tail for Two, I enjoyed it and I agree with Jenny and Julia.

Looking overal as an edit, I thought you gave away the cat link to the woman a tad too early (we need to be surprised) and, IMO, 'I' should have been given a more commanding character, flirted with brown mustache, and then be saved at the end when he rushes in to rescue her from the blonde feline woman.

Just thought that might be tighter plotting.

Others will disagree, but I believe that 'blond' is the only adjective that is gender sensitive. I like 'a blond man' but prefer a 'blonde goddess'.

You's doing real well. Your writing gets better with every story. Well done.

 

[writelove]

Christabell,

Thanks for reading the story and your feedback.

I agree that the change between the first part of the story and the rest is a bit drastic. The story could probably have a better transition between the two so it isn't quite so abrupt.

elfin_odalisque,

I have thought some about how to hide more. I even tried to have a couple more coffee shop scenes. You definitely have a valid point. I will need to think about it a bit more see what I can do with it.

Thanks for reading the story and for your perceptiveness.