A New Poem

[lesbiaphrodite]

Hi,

A new poem follows and has just been added to the "NEW POEMS" section. If you care to read it, and leave feedback here or there, please do.

xoxo

Little Pink Pills
by lesbiaphrodite©


Little Pink Pills


As I lay in the hospital bed,
the nurse comes to fluff my pillows,
to smooth out my pain with her long, white fingers

I stare out the window,
see the heat rising outside
and the flock of pigeons seems to be far away

No words, no pain,
little tiny pink pills float above me
and land in my mouth as the nurse smiles at me

She pulls back the sheets that cover my prone body,
sliding her hands down my body to touch
my most secret place

Soundless, the room seems to float,
my sex melts between my legs
as she kisses me deeply, softly, searchingly

Her starched white uniform raised above her thighs,
she sits on top of me and places my hands
on her large, full, ripe breasts

Her panties are wet and she pulls them to the side
as she pushes my fingers into her wet cunt
and moans, moans, moans

She lies beside me, parting my lips,
placing another soft pink pill
onto my tongue

As I lay in the hospital bed,
the nurse comes to fluff my pillows,
to smooth out my pain with her long, white fingers

 

[Senna Jawa]

Nice composition (construction). It left me with an impression of daydreaming. Very nice!

The regular 3-line stanzas leave a pleasing impression. In future, you may consider some deviations from such a strict form (you are a lesbian after all ). A bit more complex form may be more interesting (it should be integrated with the poem).

In addition to the above positive impressions, I also have two major complains. (Ergo, your poem can be much-much-much better ).

***

Your language would be good for general essays but less so for poetry (or even for artistic prose). You use, so to speak, glue (see below), but such glue is placebo, which kills poetry:

You are fond of the grammatical construction "as something1, something2." Avoid it. Keep the grammar to its bare minimum.

Another form, which you (unfortunately) utilize is "doing something1 (in order) to do something2". Don't give your reader any kind of logic, let the reader think for her/himself. Also phrase "sheets that cover" is not poetic. Say it differently. Say everything in the poetic way, without placebo, without explanations, without explicit logical syntax, without too much grammar.

I wish, you and others had to pay $20 for each word in their poems. You don't need the very first line of your poem. Poetically, it buys you exactly nothing. The same goes for the first line of the third stanza. That line ("no words, no pain") even harms your poem, because its voice doesn't belong to your poem. Also, it associates with the well known saying "no pain, no gain", which makes no sense here, it's a nuisance.

In one line (in 2nd stanza) you write: "out the window", and in the next one: "outside". Right away it's boring. Be sensitive to such moments, find a solution, and follow the principle that less is more (most of the time).

Your first usage of seems (in stanza 2) was fine. But the second "seems" was poetically poor. In poetry try to say things directly, without qualifications like: seems, almost, mostly, slightly, strongly.... You don't say about a color that it is half way between white and black. Instead, you say that it was gray--and that's a direct description, not quantified. It there was no such word as gray, then you still should not use a description like "half way...". You'd say that something was of a color of a cloud, or of dust, of a rainy day...

Anyway, as a poet, you need to be brave. Simply say that the room was floating, there is nothing to be afraid of. You don't need to protect yourself with that "seems".

***

Here is a chance which you have missed: you had "float" in line 1 of stanza 5, and "melts" in the next line. In your poem there is no play, no poetic gain from the relation of these two words. Actually, you didn't miss a chance--you were not even conditioned to consider such issues. I mention this moment in your poem in order to introduce the most basic problem/question "what is poetry?", "what is poetic?".

You have described certain experience (fictitious or imagined--it does not matter). Perhaps the experience was utmost sexual, erotic, romantic, spiritual, poetic... Poetically, it doesn't matter! Exotic scenes are for poetry as good as everydayish, elegant are as good as ugly, ... For instance, Marek Lugowski has written an entire series of poems in which he was adopting the instruction of operating, say, a dishwasher or a mixer or... He did the same with some press news. Even the internauts who disliked him had to acknowledge that these poems of his were good. According to a popular saying, it's not what you write about but how you write, that counts in poetry.

The incident which you have described in your poem could serve you as a pretext to write poetry around it. Instead, you gave us another Literotica instruction, which has already appeared in a pretty boring way in tens of thousands of the stories: touch here, grope there, lick over, pinch, bite, ..., thighs, breasts, cunt, ... (plus that unbelievably original metaphor "secret place" ).

Try to write this poem in such a way, that while it will be equally or more sexual-erotic, you will be able to show your poem to children without being arrested for child depravation.

A good poem is connected by its roads and bridges which are images and words. The "float"+"melts" could have been one of such roads or bridges. That's what poetry is about. And about imagination. Perhaps those far away pigeons could have find their way back to that hospital room. May be that nurse had a straight Greek nose, and her thighs were like Greek columns. Or, since the room was floating, the nurse in her white uniform was perhaps a sailboat in the bay, between the patient's thighs...--I don't know, I am just throwing some ad hoc possibilities. I just feel deprived of poetry by your routine, plain, trivial description of a sexual encounter.

***

I still consider your poem to be a pretty good one.

(No, I am not going to vote ).

Best regards,

Senna Jawa

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

Well, thank you for taking the time to read my poem and for the obvious amount of consideration you gave to it. I always value criticism that is marked by insight, a rarity it seems these days.