A new one...

[Lady_Guenivere]

Anyone interested in reading my newest story? I would appreciate feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=468433

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I'll look at yours...

... if you will look at mine.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=467730

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Invest in an editor.

 

[Lady_Guenivere]

Invest in an editor.

Thanks Tips...and you should invest in a Psychiatrist...

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

If you want a pat on the back and ATTA-GIRL!!! be honest about it.

Reading your story I thought, SHE MUSTA FOUND A SALE ON ADVERBS. Really, truly, honestly.

 

[LaRocha]

haha. I read the first few paragraphs of your story and James is right on. The adverbs and plain old adjectives you choose are distracting, almost satirical.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I thought your story was quite authentic and realistic. There are a handful of technical issues, that get in the way. One is your habit of using periods at the end of quoted dialogue when there should be a comma, E.G. "I don't want you to speak unless I tell you too, at least for right now." He commanded.

This is something that took me forever to learn, but there can only be one end to a sentence. when the dialogue and the attribution are part of the same sentence, the dialogue cannot end with a period; "I don't want you to speak unless I tell you too, at least for right now," he commanded.

I do not see as many adverbs and adjectives as the little boys do. For one thing, the story actually speaks to me. There is an absolute commandment from on high about keeping descriptors to a minimum. personally, I think a adverb-less story by an amateur is no worse than an adverb rich story by an amateur (although there is less to have to read ). You could prune them back. You can trust your readers to understand that, for instance, he has a tone of assertiveness in his voice, even though he's speaking softly-- the words he uses are pretty assertive.

What might be better there is to give a bit of her reaction to the tone of his voice. the note of command that tells her he really can do what he's telling her about...

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I had a hard time reading this story because there was no context. I know no more about these people at the end of the story than I did at the beginning. It is not so much a story as a scene from a story.
The other issue I have is that it is not terribly original. I have read this encounter numerous times, and there is not much new in this account.
It reads like it is your personal fantasy. If that is the case, then write from the first person point of view and tell who you are, how you got into that position, and how it feels.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Did you count the adjectives in this bad boy?

 

[_Lynn_]

All right, some quick comments:

A good editor would help a great deal with punctuation as well as your excessive use of adverbs, and other errors.

In the beginning he took her into 'the room'. What room? Where? What's in it?

I found the constant use of he/she irritating and dull. Rearranging the words can make a sentence read smoother without that repetition.

He 'commanded' her, yet after his next sentence he says 'yes?'. The two don't go together in my opinion. If he commands, then he is telling, flat out.

The scene lacks emotion for me. Who are they? What do we know about them? What do they even know about BDSM?


Just my opinion.

 

[Lady_Guenivere]

Thanks for the feedback...much appreciated. I am always trying to improve so this was quite helpful.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Bull Shit. You wanted some strokes.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

All right, some quick comments:

A good editor would help a great deal with punctuation as well as your excessive use of adverbs, and other errors.

In the beginning he took her into 'the room'. What room? Where? What's in it?

I found the constant use of he/she irritating and dull. Rearranging the words can make a sentence read smoother without that repetition.

He 'commanded' her, yet after his next sentence he says 'yes?'. The two don't go together in my opinion. If he commands, then he is telling, flat out.

The scene lacks emotion for me. Who are they? What do we know about them? What do they even know about BDSM?


Just my opinion.

We did our best on story feedback and, whilst we all agreed with your take, none of us was was quite as succinct. You's a star.

 

[LaRocha]

The constant repetition of he/she was worrisome.

"She kept her eyes closed for a moment, enjoying the pleasure of the endorphins coursing through her veins; her flesh tingling."

Even something as innocuous as "the pleasure of the endorphins" is something to think about. You can rely on context now and then, subtext with the characters and speeches so you won't have to say someone was stern in speech or whatever.

Your style of writing reminds me of Janamarie: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=518802&page=submissions

It's hard to describe, but she's good at it; sexy stories, weird use of language.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

The constant repetition of he/she was worrisome.

"She kept her eyes closed for a moment, enjoying the pleasure of the endorphins coursing through her veins; her flesh tingling."

Even something as innocuous as "the pleasure of the endorphins" is something to think about. You can rely on context now and then, subtext with the characters and speeches so you won't have to say someone was stern in speech or whatever.

Your style of writing reminds me of Janamarie: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=518802&page=submissions

It's hard to describe, but she's good at it; sexy stories, weird use of language.

Your friend uses 'I HAD' too much. Auxillary verbs cut corners for impatient writers and cheat readers of details. Use auxillary verbs when anything else wont make a difference.

 

[stephen55]

Comments on the commentators.....

Anyone interested in reading my newest story? I would appreciate feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=468433

I don't think that JBJ understands what is and isn't an adverb, much less an adjective. Read some of his posts, then decide who really needs an editor. His posts will have to do because he doesn't have any stories here. (Full disclosure: Neither have I, yet.)

LaRocha thinks that JBJ is right on. That's all you need know about LaRocha.

I don't understand soflabbwlvr's comment on "no context". To me, the context is a BDSM scene. If it reads like a scene from a larger story, then I don't get the criticism that it reads as such. How much character development can you put into a story of about 3,200 words. (I pasted it to Word to get that figure.)

As for the type of scene not being very original, I guess that means the genre was stale after Donatien Alphonse François, Marquis de Sade (2 June 1740 – 2 December 1814) did his thing.

My $0.25 worth, for what it's worth....
Another two bits worth says keep on writing.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't understand soflabbwlvr's comment on "no context". To me, the context is a BDSM scene.

Haven't read the "story," but soflabbwlvr's comment makes sense to me. "Context" represents storyline. This was offered as a "story." You (and some others) refer to it as a "scene." These are two different animals. A scene doesn't have story context (and the original posting called it a "story.")

 

[Stella_Omega]

As for the type of scene not being very original, I guess that means the genre was stale after Donatien Alphonse François, Marquis de Sade (2 June 1740 – 2 December 1814) did his thing.

Arrgh, I hate that man sooo much. What a shitty legacy he left behind.

 

[sr71plt]

Arrgh, I hate that man sooo much. What a shitty legacy he left behind.

Someone would have done it anyway. And "sadist" is so much zippier as a term than "snodgrassist" (for instance) would be.

 

[LaRocha]

I don't think that JBJ understands what is and isn't an adverb, much less an adjective. Read some of his posts, then decide who really needs an editor. His posts will have to do because he doesn't have any stories here. (Full disclosure: Neither have I, yet.)

LaRocha thinks that JBJ is right on. That's all you need know about LaRocha.

I don't understand soflabbwlvr's comment on "no context". To me, the context is a BDSM scene. If it reads like a scene from a larger story, then I don't get the criticism that it reads as such. How much character development can you put into a story of about 3,200 words. (I pasted it to Word to get that figure.)

As for the type of scene not being very original, I guess that means the genre was stale after Donatien Alphonse François, Marquis de Sade (2 June 1740 – 2 December 1814) did his thing.

My $0.25 worth, for what it's worth....
Another two bits worth says keep on writing.

Stephen, we both know your flaws -- your terrible argument techniques, your piss poor knowledge of writing and philosophy... So, why don't you have a single story posted to Literotica? Maybe if you read some of the stories here you'd know what the typical BDSM story looks like.

Sade did create the entire mythology for BDSM. It makes me giggle that Stella wholeheartedly agrees with your assessment though. Sade put the -graphic in pornographic while putting the -ire in satire... Sade's legacy is the fact that we talk about BDSM as something and not nothing.

But erotic stories have nothing to do with Sadean satire, or the graphic. This story was an attempt at eroticism using a BDSM backdrop. The problem wasn't the length. The main issue is still how the author chose to describe the scenes. How do we describe things? What do adjectives and adverbs do? Who else agrees with James after me?

 

[stephen55]

Look it up in Fowler's....

Stephen we both know your flaws, your terrible argument techniques, your piss poor knowledge of writing and philosophy... So, why don't you have a single story posted to Literotica?

You forgot the comma after "Stephen" and please don't attempt to use the literary "we" to make yourself look clever. It's beneath you. Seriously, it's beneath you. My argument technique is singular, so "your terrible technique at argument" reads better. "Your terrible argument technique" is grammatically incorrect. It's my argument that you should have a problem with and not my technique. Actually, on second thought, perhaps you should have a problem with my technique. You've consistently failed at argument.

I've submitted three stories to Literotica and I'm waiting for the verdict. Also, I got an "A" in high school English class, five of them. Not that said grades mean very much when high school English class in my day, didn't allow Lit type stories.

Philosophy...philosophy...have you forgotten my Bertrand Russell error? Or was that Ami? After all the posts back and forth with you two, I can get confused.

Finally, if I haven't had any stories posted, what allows you to think my knowledge of writing is piss poor? As for your take on my knowledge of philosophy, enlighten me. Just spare me the pain inflicted on my high school level of English grammar due to your paucity of knowledge of the Queen's English. (bait)

 

[LaRocha]

Stephen/Psychopath, if you'll look at the time my comment was last edited... :10 is before :17. You read my comment and took an epically long time to respond. I was still editing while you were searching Grammar and Usage 1959. So, try again.

 

[stephen55]

I need to wait for the edit........

I posted a reply to an incomplete reply. My bad.

I've read some of the BDSM stories in Lit. Please forgive me if I posit that Lit BDSM stories may not be typical BDSM stories.

I'm not sure when BDSM as a literary form was first created but it predated Sade by at least a two millennia. Inside the Tomba della Fustigazione (Flogging grave), in the latter sixth century b.c., two men are portrayed flagellating a woman with a cane and a hand during an erotic situation.

Sade's legacy is the fact that we talk about BDSM as something and not nothing. Get thee to a text on the philosophy of language. I wouldn't recommend anything written by Noam Chomsky.

Sade did create the entire mythology for BDSM. It makes me giggle that Stella wholeheartedly agrees with your assessment though. Leaving aside your ongoing misuse of the English language, like Amicus, you need to brush up on sarcasm. In case you missed it, and I think you did, by saying that perhaps the genre went stale after Sade, I was using sarcasm.

Who else agrees with James after me? Please accept my regrets.

 

[stephen55]

Masochist: Beat me...beat me...for the love of God, beat me!!!

Sadist: Nooooooooo!!!!!

 

[LaRocha]

I posted a reply to an incomplete reply. My bad.

I've read some of the BDSM stories in Lit. Please forgive me if I posit that Lit BDSM stories may not be typical BDSM stories.

I'm not sure when BDSM as a literary form was first created but it predated Sade by at least a two millennia. Inside the Tomba della Fustigazione (Flogging grave), in the latter sixth century b.c., two men are portrayed flagellating a woman with a cane and a hand during an erotic situation.

Sade's legacy is the fact that we talk about BDSM as something and not nothing. Get thee to a text on the philosophy of language. I wouldn't recommend anything written by Noam Chomsky.

Sade did create the entire mythology for BDSM. It makes me giggle that Stella wholeheartedly agrees with your assessment though. Leaving aside your ongoing misuse of the English language, like Amicus, you need to brush up on sarcasm. In case you missed it, and I think you did, by saying that perhaps the genre went stale after Sade, I was using sarcasm.

Who else agrees with James after me? Please accept my regrets.

Did I say Sade is the founder of anything? No. I said he's the reason BDSM exists now as it does. And it's more than taking out the 'S' in BDSM.

Noam Chomsky abhors philosophy of language. He probably hasn't written anything directly referencing the philosophy of language canon since the late 60s. He's a linguist and a cognitive linguist at that, a scientist doing experiments and designing models. It seems you know less of Noam Chomsky than Bertrand Russell.

Stephen, you don't use sarcasm in a way that anyone thinks is a. intelligent, b. funny. It's pretty much the reason why every time you post someone asks you what you're talking about and then you have to explain yourself. Which makes one think that English is your second language. Sadean imitation in sex stories, the uber graphic, is only stale after Sade, that's why what the OP is writing about has nothing to do with Sade or graphic depictions of sex. Your comment was out of place because what we're talking about here is an erotic story.

Additionally, you can't read, because everyone agrees that the OPs use of adjectives and adverbs needs work. You don't write stories, your high school English teacher was likely the last person to read one of your stories.