A New Beginning for a Dead Marriage (closed for Becaa57)

[SmokingFap]

I can't believe it. I just can't. I'm sitting here on my bed -- my WIFE'S and my bed -- and my brain feels like it just hit the Blue Screen of Death. My wife of nearly 20 years has been cheating on me. A lot. And there's no denying it. I found the evidence. Pictures of her naked on our bed with another man. MEN, to be perfectly accurate. Not all at the same time, thankfully, but it's obviously been going on for a long time, possibly years. Some of the pictures are POLAROIDS, for Christ's sake! Fuck. FUCK!

I know we haven't been close emotionally or intimate with each other very often for quite a while, but it's not because I don't love her. I love her more than anything, except maybe our two adult children. It's just that we've been married so long, we're just... comfortable together. Like best friends with only occasional benefits. But I had no idea that she was... lacking. Longing. Needing. For attention and affection. For sex. For COCK.

I'm too stunned to be angry, or hurt, or jealous, right now. My entire body feels numb, weightless. I'm dizzy and nauseous. It's like going down the back side of the world's tallest roller coaster. Except I can't see the bottom. All I can see is... down.

Suddenly I hear our front door open. I sit still as a statue, unable to move. I have no idea what to say. I don't even know how to feel yet. I know what I SHOULD feel, and will eventually, but for right now, I'm numb. A large part of me has just died. The biggest and most important part.

"Charlie!" I hear you call up from the front hallway. "I'm home, honey!"

You sound breathless. Excited. HAPPY. You sound like I haven't heard you in a long time. And I immediately wonder where you've just been. WHY you're so happy.

As I hear you toss your keys onto the kitchen table, I croak, "Up here, Bec." I don't even know if you hear me. And at this point, I'm not sure I care.

 

[Becaa57]

I don't hear him when I get home and call. But his car is in the garage, maybe bathroom? Or upstairs for some reason.

As I walk up, I can't help but think of tonight, the fun I had with Steve just thinking makes me tingle!!!!

Finding him the bedroom, sitting on the bed

"Honey what are you doing in here? Are you not feeling good?"

Then seeing that he's surrounded with pictures.

I don't need more then a glimpse to realize what they are

"Oh Shit!!!"

"Uhmmm honey? I can explain"

 

[SmokingFap]

I look at you as if I'm seeing a ghost. Which right now, you might as well be. You might be dead to me at this point.

I tiredly hold up several of the pictures. "Really? Really, Bec? You can explain THESE!" I suddenly shout, waving them around. The numbness is passing now, replaced by a glowing ember in the pit of my stomach, growing in heat as it reaches my chest. "Can you REALLY FUCKING EXPLAIN THESE?!?"

 

[Becaa57]

I slowly sink to the bed, sitting at the foot looking at you.
picking up some of the pictures looking at them
Why the hell did I keep these

"No, obviously I can't explain these in a way that won't hurt you"
"It probably doesn't matter, but I never meant to hurt you in any way."

"I do love you, always have"

"I honestly don't have an explanation as to why I did this."
"Best I can come up is that it's almost a craving I have. Similar to an alcoholic I suppose"
"But I'm not using that as an excuse"

"I simply don't have an excuse"

"I will leave the house if you want, or this room I don't know what to do"

"Other then say I do love you , but understand you probably hate me now"

 

[SmokingFap]

"No," I snarl. "No no no no NO! You do not get to pull that bullshit with me now. You do not get to say that you LOVE ME, you fucking bitch!!!"

I stand up menacingly, the anger and pain and hatred radiating off of me like an uncontrolled nuclear reaction. You take a step back, terror quickly replacing regret in your eyes. I stalk toward you as if to do harm. You turn away, but I grab your chin and turn it back towards me, forcing you to see the hellfire and damnation in my eyes.

"I can't believe you did this to me after all these years. FOR all these years. I will NEVER forgive you for this."

I let go of your face and shoulder my way past you roughly. I only stop in the doorway and turn around. "I'm going to a hotel now. I will be back tomorrow to get some of my things. And I will be filing for divorce on Monday."

With that, I walk with eerie, deadly calm through the doorway and down the stairs. Within sixty seconds, you hear our front door slam, and twenty seconds later, I peel out of the driveway in my car, making sure to leave a 3-foot gash along the side of your car with my back driver's side fender.

 

[Becaa57]

I sit on the bed listening to you leave.

I honestly can't blame you for leaving

Gathering up all the pictures, I put them back the box I had them in

wondering why he was in there anyways

I can't sleep

Go downstairs get a bottle of wine and a glass

Sit out on the back deck, seeing as usual the ashtray you use is overflowing

I grab it and throw it into the yard

I sit down and pour a glass

Wondering the hell I'm gong to do now. I can't afford we can't afford to be divorced, but as deep as I cut him I have a feeling it's going to happen

I'll have to get a lawyer, however I'm not going to fight it

 

[Becaa57]

The rain wakes me up. I look around my wine glass is full of rain and I'm soaked to the skin.

I go into the house, to our bedroom. slipping out of my clothes, I quickly towel dry then slide into bed

out of habit I reach for you, wanting your body warmth, but you're not there

I realize you may never be there again.

I softly cry myself to sleep again. Realizing this is totally my fault

 

[SmokingFap]

I knock on the front door. OUR front door. Because suddenly it doesn't seem like OUR house anymore. I hardly slept at all at the hotel last night. I cried a lot and screamed out the window a bit, too. I hated you more fiercely than I've hated anyone in my life all night. But the more I mulled everything over in my head, the more I understood why you did what you did. We've grown a bit distant over the years, both emotionally and physically.

We started out as friends, then became passionate lovers, soulmates. But over the years we drifted back to mostly just being friends, and even I realize that we're more just like roommates, at this point. We're comfortable together, secure in each other. And we may still be soulmates, but we haven't been lovers in quite a while. At least, not with the passion we used to have. When we do have sex, it's fairly routine and almost robotic, even. I've missed that passion, but didn't know if you missed it, too, or how to even bring it up with you. And now it turns out I've let you find that passion with other men.

I knock on our door again, holding a bag that I picked up on the way over from the hotel.

 

[Becaa57]

The knocking wakes me up. I sit up, still nude from last night. Is that the door?
Ohhh it is

I get up, slip a robe on and go to answer, looking through the glass I see it's you.

Opening the door.

"Sorry, I didn't go to sleep until like 4am"

seeing the bag

"You're taking more stuff???"

Wanting to say no don't go!!! I love you!!! Please forgive me!!!!!!
But how do I say that to the man that I've basically cheated on throughout our entire marriage? What can I say to make him love me again, make him understand I never meant to hurt him, when I said I do, I had no plans to take lovers.

We raised our children together, they never knew.
Yes I know as the years past the passion died and maybe I would have fought harder to keep it, If I wasn't finding it outside.

"Is there any chance we can sit down and salvage this? I don't have a clue how, but we've always been able to find a way to work through all our problems in the past"

 

[SmokingFap]

I sigh and give you a wan smile. "Hi, Bec. I don't know if there's any way we can work through this. We've had some rough patches before, but nothing like this. But after all these years, most of them very good, I think we do owe it to each other to talk about this, even if we can't fix it."

I open the bag to reveal a fifth of vodka and a bottle of fresh squeezed orange juice. "I figure we both could use a little liquid courage to get through this."

You give me a solemn nod, and just a hint of a smile, and then I follow you into our kitchen. As you grab a couple of glasses, I set the vodka and OJ out on the table. Then I step out onto our back porch and grab our antique crystal ashtray. I notice that you've dumped it out. You've never allowed me to smoke inside, and I've always respected that. But considering you've been fucking other men in our bed, I figure I deserve to have a cigarette inside for once.

You've already poured us each a cocktail, very strong from the looks of them, as I sit down and light a Marlboro Light, looking at you defiantly, silently daring you to make a stink about me smoking in the house.

 

[Becaa57]

I realize I look like shit this morning, hair hanging down, no makeup.

But guessing it doesn't matter, not like you're going to drag me off the bedroom.

When I see you come back in with the ashtray and light up. I just get up and open a window.

That's the least of our problems now

"I see it didn't break when I tossed it into the yard last night, that's good"

Neither one of us are morning drinkers. However you might be right.

Putting a drink in front of you, and one for me. I sit in the chair across from you, making sure my robe is closed.
Something I would have bothered with before, but I would never have slept naked either

"Ok, I honestly have no idea where to start, I apologized last night, and doubt another one would do any good"
"I guess the least I can do is ask if you have anything you want to say to me? Or any questions"

 

[SmokingFap]

I take a big swig of my screwdriver, then a drag on my cigarette, still respectful enough to at least blow the smoke towards the open window. Then I look you square in the face and ask, "How many? Men. And for how long? And how many times total. You owe me those answers, whether I can ever forgive you or not."

 

[Becaa57]

"How many? Men. And for how long? And how many times total. You owe me those answers, whether I can ever forgive you or not."

All the questions I had hoped he wouldn't ask.

"Ok I remember hearing don't ask a question you don't want the answer to in a movie somewhere"

"I had hoped you wouldn't ask, but at the same time of course you are"

"I promise I'll tell the truth the best I can"

"Number of men right around 1 dozen, I guess believe it or not didn't keep count"

"From 4 or 5 months after we were married, the first time was with an old boyfriend, and very unplanned"

"No idea the number of times it's happened really"

"I couldn't stop doing it. "

"Weird thing is, I always loved our sex life, well especially back then. Last few years I think even you would admit it's fallen off a lot"

I sit with bated breath wondering if he's going to hit me, throw the ashtray or storm out.

 

[SmokingFap]

I visibly double over as if I just took a Rocky body blow. I'm absolutely stunned, even more than when I first found your pictures. It was from the very beginning? I ask myself. You lost count?!? The lights start dimming on me, and I feel like I might actually faint for the first time in my life. But I fight my way to my feet, bracing myself on the table.

"Wow. You didn't even sugarcoat that, did you? I mean, I guess thank you for being honest, but... fuck. I'm gonna need a few minutes to myself."

I grab my half-full glass, my cigarettes and lighter, leaving the crystal ashtray that used to mean something to me -- to us. As I turn towards the back door, I grab the bottle of vodka, then open the screen door and step out onto the back porch.

 

[Becaa57]

I sit there, was I too honest? I just want him to know the truth, he has to decide if he can handle it or not.
After about 20 minutes. I grab his ashtray and cigarettes. Bringing my now empty glass and the OJ. I go out seeing you sitting staring at nothing.

Holding the ashtray and cigarettes out
"Thought maybe you'd need another smoke"

When he didn't take them, I just put them on the table were they usually go.
The Vodka is there, although quite a bit less.
I make myself another drink and then sit in the other chair. Waiting for him to say something

 

[SmokingFap]

I grab my Marlboro Lights and Bic from the little glass-top wicker table we got at a garage sale maybe 30 years ago. I light a fresh cigarette and take a drag, embracing the smoke as if it's a life raft. I blow a slow swirl into the warm morning breeze, then take another slug of vodka straight from the bottle. I'm definitely woozy and I know it's getting worse, but instead of making me angrier, the booze is actually calming me down and letting me see things without a veil of red covering my eyes.

"Did you love any of them?" I ask quietly.

 

[Becaa57]

I watch as you are now drinking it straight, which never ends well for you. I"ve already decided you're not driving anywhere. If I know you, you tossed your keys in the dish by the door.
You may hate, but you're still my husband.

Then another dreaded question, what did he do google the worse questions to ask a cheating spouse

"Did you love any of them?"

"Not like I did and still do you!"
"Most of them not at all. I liked them all yes, but not love"

"Do you want something to eat? I can make something real fast"

 

[SmokingFap]

I sigh heavily. I guess it's the answer I wanted, but hearing you claim to still love me rings hollow right now. Still, I am getting a bit too drunk, and I haven't eaten since lunch yesterday.

"Yeah. Yeah, I should eat. And you got any coffee on?"

I stand up a bit unsteadily, crush my cigarette out into our crystal ashtray, and you stand up to tentatively grab my elbow and guide me back inside the kitchen.

 

[Becaa57]

I help you into the house, wasn't sure you'd let me.
You go into the kitchen and just flop down in a chair.

I let you sit and put a cup of coffee on, start a pan of bacon and eggs. I know you need real food.

"Be ready in a few minutes!"

wondering if he wants a cigarette, normally wouldn't even ask

"Do you want another cigarette?"
when you nod yes

I go back to the deck, bring everything back in. Including the Vodka, which I put in our liquor cabinet

I had you the cigarettes and check on the eggs

"Almost ready"

Pouring you a cup of coffee

"Here drink some of this"

Your food is done, and I serve it up for you.

Sitting across from you, sipping on my drink as I watch you eat.

Hating the pain you're in, but helpless to fix it

 

[SmokingFap]

I eat quietly for several minutes, taking several swigs of the coffee, unable or unwilling to look at you. "Thanks, Bec," I manage finally. "Never have figured out how you get the yolks so perfect every time."

It's the most polite or kind I can be at the moment. Part of me appreciates you taking care of me like this, but I'm not willing to give you the satisfaction of telling you. It's going to take a lot more than a perfect breakfast or two to make amends for your countless illicit rendezvous. But as hurt and angry as I am right now, I have to admit that this might be a start.

 

[Becaa57]

"You're welcome, thank you for eating it"
"Don't know I just cook till it feels right"

Surprised at an almost normal exchange with you.

I know this isn't going to fix anything really except I still now to cook eggs the way he likes.

I'm at a loss as to what to say, part of me know's he should lay down. But if I suggest it, then the big issue of what bed. So I hold my thought

We just sit at the table, him smoking eggs are finished at least.

Balls in his court as far as conversation goes

 

[SmokingFap]

With a satisfied stomach, and caffeine starting to overtake the alcohol, I'm feeling physically better. Mentally, I'm still really hurt and confused. I still have a million questions, but really, you've answered the most important ones. So maybe it's just time for me to talk for a while.

I take a pull on my cigarette and blow the smoke towards the window. "I don't think I slept a wink last night," I begin. "I was so angry and hurt and confused. I can't believe you betrayed me like this for all these years. I mean, it's even more hurtful, DISRESPECTFUL, that you had lovers in OUR BED. But I also can't believe I never noticed. I don't even know HOW you could have had sex with all of those men. I guess I just implicitly trusted you so much, I had blinders on to the telltale signs."

I take another drag, then crush the butt out into our ashtray. "I still love you, Bec. I mean, I did before last night. I never stopped loving you. I guess I just stopped showing you how much I love you. And I don't know if you just craved more affection, or if I just didn't satisfy you in bed, or why you felt the need to be with other men. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore. You chose them over me. I imagine you still are. So I think it's fair to say that our marriage is over."

 

[Becaa57]

"I don't think either one of us slept well last night. I fell asleep on the deck, till the rain woke me up"
"that's why I was still in bed when you got here"

"You know I've wondered why I'm doing this from the beginning!!! You have always been a loving husband, and better then many in the bedroom"
"But there is or was something about being with another I couldn't say not too"

"I think honestly I'm a sex addict"
"It was never me falling for another guy, you are my soul mate"
"I wouldn't blame you for ending us here and now, just know I didn't want to hurt you"

I'm crying again by now, but trying not too.

"I can try to find counseling, I think it's available, like AA for alcoholics maybe SA??? I don't know"

 

[SmokingFap]

For the first time, I genuinely believe that you're hurting, too. Which gives me an evil sense of satisfaction. I WANT you to hurt like I am hurting right now. But I also still do love you, despite the pain of the betrayal. I reach out and take your hand and give it a gentle squeeze as tears stream down my own cheeks.

Your confession about being a possible sex addict does change the calculus slightly. Having fought a dependency on alcohol at several points in our marriage, during which you were understanding and supportive, I understand how powerful an addiction can be. I don't think my secret drinking compares to your secret fucking, but it's at least somewhat analogous.

Out of pride, I won't allow myself to be too weak or vulnerable for you. You've already taken advantage of my trust. But at least subconsciously, I want to lay the potential first stone on a path towards reconciliation.

"Like I said, I don't know if things can never be the same between you and me. But when I was considering the options last night, it did occur to me that we are more financially entangled than emotionally bound at this point. A divorce might be devastating for both of us financially, so I don't think it's wise to file right away. At least, until we get some things sorted out..."

 

[Becaa57]

I see in your eyes, that you weren't considering if I was hurting or not.
I would have thought my confessing I'm a sex addict would hit home with yuo. I've known you had a drinking problem from before we were married, but always managed to keep it under control and out of my sight or so you thought.'

"I know we're financially bound together, retirements and our plan to move closer to our daughter with her children."
"But if you don't think we can coexist then we'll have to figure it out"
"Maybe if we stay in separate rooms? And close up the master for now?"

"Just thinking out loud really, the biggest question is how can we get past this?"