A monster in the making.

[dolf]

Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation.

You know a single mum of a pubescent boy. His father is a manipulative controller, but was never violent. His mother has been conditioned by years of mental and emotional abuse, and is all too easily bullied and browbeaten into compliance.
The boy, despite barely being in his teens, is making (not unsuccessful) attempts to take control of the house. To the point where he believes he has the right to decide which car she should buy, how much of her wages she is allowed to spend on herself, and how the maintenance from his father is spent (it should be put into his personal account for when he wants to buy a car). His latest demand is that they move house to his preferred neighborhood.
He stays up all night on his multiple phones, computers, TVs, and frequently wakes her up with either the volume or his demands to fix an issue.
He has violent tantrums when he doesn't get his own way, but can also carry out a prolonged period of hostility and browbeating.
She has taken on large debts in order to pander to his various demands, but each time one is met another immediately arrises to take it's place.

What you see in the future? He's going to be a domestic abuser. No child is born bad, but this is how badness is made.

You've talked to her, and she understands in theory, but the reality is that he's with her and working on her every day and he's broken down almost every scrap of her resolve and authority. At this point, it's like trying to talk a battered wife into taking her husband in hand.

What do you do?

 

[spacekowboy]

Is this about Barron?

 

[dolf]

Is this about Barron?

Ha!!!

 

[Trumpedo]

I'm blunt and straight to the point with friends who have out of control kids. Some take offense and some take advice. If shes the parent she needs to act like one, not be his "friend". Once it is established who calls the shots the friendship can resume.

 

[IceDemon]

Us toxic males should be strangled at birth.




.

 

[Adre]

She had better take back control, refuse his demands, and install some new rules. She’ll need help and support, perhaps in the form of therapy for this brat. Otherwise, she’ll end up with the monster you see in the making.

At this point what does she have to lose?

 

[Trumpedo]

US toxic males should be strangled at birth.




.

Fixed it for you.

 

[surdeep]

Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation.



What do you do?

Sounds like a normal teenage boy to me.

The mother and her friend Dolf sound like they both have issues about their Ex's and men in general.

Stop taking it out on the kid.

Tell him to get a job if he wants to buy a car.

Put the internet box in her bedroom under lock and key and turn off the internet when he gets mouthy.

If that doesn't work, take away his shit.

If that doesn't work, send him to live with his father.

Communicate all of it without raising of voices or threats. Just say and do.

Set the expectations, reward positive behavior, punish negative behavior until the patterns right themselves.

Or, when he reaches the age of majority, invite him to leave.

 

[chillywilly2]

Tell him to go live with his POS dad and be done with the shit

 

[dolf]

Tell him to go live with his POS dad and be done with the shit

Dude! That's a child!
You don't toss children in the garbage just because you don't like how they're behaving. I hope to hell you don't have kids

 

[chillywilly2]

Dude! That's a child!
You don't toss children in the garbage just because you don't like how they're behaving. I hope to hell you don't have kids

Then do something about it...mine don't act like that

 

[surdeep]

Best thing the womenfolk can do with a teenage boy is shut up and turn off the money.

 

[dolf]

Then do something about it...mine don't act like that

Mine neither. Mine are awesome, polite, responsible members of society.

That's no answer to the original question though. Having great kids isn't going to magically fix someone else's family. I asked what an observer should or shouldn't do, not how great everyone else was at parenting.

 

[FescueFan]

Nothing you can do.

Door mat gonna be a door mat.

 

[KeithD]

Then do something about it...mine don't act like that

Applause. That was my reaction to the OP. Who the hell gives up parenting like this and expects the kid to turn out decent?

 

[chillywilly2]

Mine neither. Mine are awesome, polite, responsible members of society.

That's no answer to the original question though. Having great kids isn't going to magically fix someone else's family. I asked what an observer should or shouldn't do, not how great everyone else was at parenting.

From what you describe the woman has little to no self esteem left.
She has lost control of her own life.
The only way I can see her surviving is to just get away from it...far away.

If she could do anything she already would have.
I can't see her leaving or sending the kid to his dad actually

Get some good counselling for both of them...and soon

 

[dolf]

Nothing you can do.

That's the conclusion I've come to...

But there's always a chance someone will think of something that hasn't crossed my mind. Doesn't hurt to ask.

 

[surdeep]

Or she could find a man to bring in as a surrogate father figure.

 

[Comshaw]

Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation.

You know a single mum of a pubescent boy. His father is a manipulative controller, but was never violent. His mother has been conditioned by years of mental and emotional abuse, and is all too easily bullied and browbeaten into compliance.
The boy, despite barely being in his teens, is making (not unsuccessful) attempts to take control of the house. To the point where he believes he has the right to decide which car she should buy, how much of her wages she is allowed to spend on herself, and how the maintenance from his father is spent (it should be put into his personal account for when he wants to buy a car). His latest demand is that they move house to his preferred neighborhood.
He stays up all night on his multiple phones, computers, TVs, and frequently wakes her up with either the volume or his demands to fix an issue.
He has violent tantrums when he doesn't get his own way, but can also carry out a prolonged period of hostility and browbeating.
She has taken on large debts in order to pander to his various demands, but each time one is met another immediately arrises to take it's place.

What you see in the future? He's going to be a domestic abuser. No child is born bad, but this is how badness is made.

You've talked to her, and she understands in theory, but the reality is that he's with her and working on her every day and he's broken down almost every scrap of her resolve and authority. At this point, it's like trying to talk a battered wife into taking her husband in hand.

What do you do?

I see a whole lot of "she needs to do yada yada". The problem is, from your description, she's been beaten down so far she might be incapable of doing anything that needs to be done without professional help. There's a lot of things she should do, but the very first thing is to get herself back. The boy didn't learn that on his own. Does he spend time with his father? If so that's part of it. The other part is because of the mental/emotional abuse from her ex, she's probably been pandering to the boy his entire life. That isn't going to change overnight and WILL NEVER CHANGE unless she gets help, professional help. She can't take charge of the situation until she changes her interactions with the boy.

Comshaw

 

[islandman]

Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation.

You know a single mum of a pubescent boy. His father is a manipulative controller, but was never violent. His mother has been conditioned by years of mental and emotional abuse, and is all too easily bullied and browbeaten into compliance.
The boy, despite barely being in his teens, is making (not unsuccessful) attempts to take control of the house. To the point where he believes he has the right to decide which car she should buy, how much of her wages she is allowed to spend on herself, and how the maintenance from his father is spent (it should be put into his personal account for when he wants to buy a car). His latest demand is that they move house to his preferred neighborhood.
He stays up all night on his multiple phones, computers, TVs, and frequently wakes her up with either the volume or his demands to fix an issue.
He has violent tantrums when he doesn't get his own way, but can also carry out a prolonged period of hostility and browbeating.
She has taken on large debts in order to pander to his various demands, but each time one is met another immediately arrises to take it's place.

What you see in the future? He's going to be a domestic abuser. No child is born bad, but this is how badness is made.

You've talked to her, and she understands in theory, but the reality is that he's with her and working on her every day and he's broken down almost every scrap of her resolve and authority. At this point, it's like trying to talk a battered wife into taking her husband in hand.

What do you do?

I take it she has no family that can step in and support her on a day-to-day basis (not financially)? Sounds like she needs to fix herself before he can be fixed, and she'll require some breathing room.

 

[hobbit.]

Purchase some class A drugs (wear gloves when touching them) plant them in the house of the people, phone the police and inform them of the dealing in class A going on from the house.

the rest will sort itself out.

 

[chillywilly2]

Or she could find a man to bring in as a surrogate father figure.

Doesn't sound like she could

 

[surdeep]

Doesn't sound like she could

She has Dolf in her corner and it worked for her.

 

[FescueFan]

That's the conclusion I've come to...

But there's always a chance someone will think of something that hasn't crossed my mind. Doesn't hurt to ask.

I hear ya.

But from addiction to abuse and sloth I've seen a lot of self destructive behaviors from otherwise good people and I've learned it's pretty much impossible to help those who don't want to help themselves, they have to find that desire to better themselves and or situation before any change or progress can be made.

 

[Rightguide]

Tell me what you would/wouldn't do or say in this situation.

You know a single mum of a pubescent boy. His father is a manipulative controller, but was never violent. His mother has been conditioned by years of mental and emotional abuse, and is all too easily bullied and browbeaten into compliance.
The boy, despite barely being in his teens, is making (not unsuccessful) attempts to take control of the house. To the point where he believes he has the right to decide which car she should buy, how much of her wages she is allowed to spend on herself, and how the maintenance from his father is spent (it should be put into his personal account for when he wants to buy a car). His latest demand is that they move house to his preferred neighborhood.
He stays up all night on his multiple phones, computers, TVs, and frequently wakes her up with either the volume or his demands to fix an issue.
He has violent tantrums when he doesn't get his own way, but can also carry out a prolonged period of hostility and browbeating.
She has taken on large debts in order to pander to his various demands, but each time one is met another immediately arrises to take it's place.

What you see in the future? He's going to be a domestic abuser. No child is born bad, but this is how badness is made.

You've talked to her, and she understands in theory, but the reality is that he's with her and working on her every day and he's broken down almost every scrap of her resolve and authority. At this point, it's like trying to talk a battered wife into taking her husband in hand.

What do you do?

This is the future of 90% of all single mothers with male children, doubly so when the father is an asshole who has refused to take on his moral responsibility to raise his son to manhood and instill in him the rules of society. The kid is probably going to wind up in prison or become a danger to himself or others. It's a sad story writ large across the western world.