A Memory of Red

[Route66Girl]

Hey folks! This link is to a thread over on the Story Ideas board. To make a long story short, I proposed writing a story from the first person POV of someone who was missing a major sense. The response to the idea was tepid at best, most who responded saying it wouldn't work out well.

Humbug, I say! Well, hopefully.

I decided to write one anyway, and it's in the thread I've linked to here.

What I'm looking for in feedback is this:

1- Did you believe that it was from a male perspective?

2- Was it convincing? Did this character seem believably blind, or was there anything glaringly obvious that a blind person would or would not do? (I have known a couple blind people in my life, which helped, but it was still a struggle).

3- Was it still erotic despite the lack of visually-related description?

Thanks for any feedback at all in either forum A Memory of Red

 

[jon.hayworth]

Route66Girl,

Read your story.

Yes it was erotic.

Yes I could believe it was from a male perspective, maybe just a bit too flowery could have been a bit more macho, but I am not sure - yes leave it as it is.

I think in the beginning you laboured the blindness a bit too much, let people come to a gradual realisation - called "show don't tell". Remember your readers have got brains. Also you make an error in the park. How does he know that she is sitting Indian fashion? How does he know how she moves to get near to him? Read and reread looking for those little slips.

Now the real problem area is that you walked where angels fear to tread - you risked the present tense in the restaurant scenes. That is taking a big risk. If you are rewriting I would suggest you put everything into the past tense. You have the immediacy in telling it in the first person.

Can I finish by saying it was a very good story - I am unsure of the category. I thought Erotic Couplings or Romance, bring her back in at the end or people will kill you.

I wrote a historic "Juliana's Last Stand" based on some fact I had to kill her it was obvious from the forward that she died and I still got mail complaining.

jon

 

[Route66Girl]

Thanks, Jon!

Jon: Can I finish by saying it was a very good story - I am unsure of the category. I thought Erotic Couplings or Romance, bring her back in at the end or people will kill you.

Thanks! I'm glad you thought it was good. I was a little unsure of the category also, but ended up choosing romance, which is what I submitted it under a few hours ago.

As such, it's already too late to make changes (whoops). And I did just spy a few typos upon re-reading it. Dontcha hate it when that happens? Might do a re-write sometime, though...

I don't know what possessed me to have her abandon him. I'm usually a happy ending kinda gal, and I feel badly about it. Thanks for the warning about readers potentially hurling abuse at me for that. I'll deserve it. David's a cool guy, and I really stomped on him (squish!) However, writerly instincts took me to that ending, and I trust them in that regard.

But I still don't like it, either. Poor David!

Now the real problem area is that you walked where angels fear to tread - you risked the present tense in the restaurant scenes. That is taking a big risk. If you are rewriting I would suggest you put everything into the past tense. You have the immediacy in telling it in the first person.

:

I was afraid of that. Didn't work, huh? Rats.

I think in the beginning you laboured the blindness a bit too much, let people come to a gradual realisation - called "show don't tell". Remember your readers have got brains. Also you make an error in the park. How does he know that she is sitting Indian fashion? How does he know how she moves to get near to him? Read and reread looking for those little slips.

Eeek! If there's one thing I'm paranoid about, it's overexplaining and talking down the the reader. Thank you for pointing that out.
And I'll look for those instances when I slipped out of his POV enough to have things like the one in the park get by.

Very helpful comments! Thank you, jon.hayworth

 

[jon.hayworth]

R66G,

If you want to make changes when you resubmit you put "(EDIT)" by the side of the title.

Glad Iwas able to help.

jon

 

[KJGirlie]

It's a beautiful story. It might be a tad "sensitive" for a male point of view, but on the other hand David is not your average man. Being a virgin isn't even the whole of it. As a virgin his senses were heightened naturally, but here is a man with hightened senses to begin with. I love the way you pay attention to detail.

The ending is truly too sad. However I felt that it fit. The entire story had a sort of too-good-to-be-true, Roman Holiday quality to it. I found myself wondering how they would interact if she did show up, and fearing that it would be awkward (which is exactly how I thought you meant David to be feeling, or maybe I was reading myself into your character!) so I was almost relieved in a way that it didn't have an implausible, storybook ending. But still.. so very sad.

KJ

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

R66G

Here's some background about little old moi, so you'll know where I'm coming from with this critique. Following a booby trap explosion in Viet Nam, I was totally blind for nearly a year (limited light perception in one eye-the Army having removed the other) After several corneal transplants I'm now just "hard of seeing".

I admire your courage in tackling such a multi-faceted, self-imposed challege. However, IMHO, you may have taken on one or two facets too many.

There were several instances in which the blind narrator tells the reader about things only a seeing person could know. I've listed a few below.

Grammatically speaking, you have a tendency to write sentences that are long, but incomplete. Sentence three is a good example.

I hope some of this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments you want to cuss or discuss. Good luck with your writing.

Rumple Foreskin

--

1. "I can’t tell you, as another could, if her eyes danced with pleasure...."
I WAS SURPRISED AT HOW MUCH THIS OPENING JUST FLAT-OUT BUGGED ME. SOME OF MY REACTION WAS OBJECTIVE. FOR INSTANCE, THE PHRASE, "AS ANOTHER COULD" IMPLIES THAT EVERYONE ELSE COULD-WHICH ISN'T THE CASE.

BUT SOME OF MY IRRITATION WAS A SUBJECTIVE, GUT FEELING WHICH I DON'T COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND MYSELF.

ONCE PAST THE OPENING, THE PARAGRAPH WAS, IMHO, WELL DONE. YOU MIGHT CONSIDER RE-WORDING THE OPENING AND STICKING IT AT THE END OF THE PARAGRAPH.

--

2. “Not at all!” a book in front of her being closed. “I’d love to know what you’re reading.” A BLIND GUY WOULD HAVE TO HEAR THAT BOOK SLAM SHUT.

--

3. "I was thoroughly engrossed in the material until catching that beautiful scent, her feet padding quietly along the marble floor as she approached the table." FOR STARTERS THIS IS AN INCOMPLETE SENTENCE. FOR SECONDERS, HOW CAN A BLIND NARRATOR IN FIRST PERSON PRESENT "KNOW" THE FEET PADDING QUIETLY AS THEY APPROACH ARE "HER" FEET?

--

The chair across and down from me scraped a bit she pulled it out and sat down, her arms releasing a heavy load of books. MAYBE, UNLESS SHE'S JUST DROPPED THAT BACKPACK HE'S SOMEHOW KNOWS ABOUT, OFF HER SHOULDERS ONTO THE TABLE.

 

[DreamGrrl]

Wowsers!

Route66Girl, darlin!

Wowsers!

That's all I can say!

As everyone else is pointing out some minor flaws I won't bother. Not only is that story erotic and touching, it is also very moving - and for me, as a female very believable.

I really enjoy your writing style, and I really enjoyed the story.

Thank you for having the balls to write it and to share it with the rest of us!

Best of luck hun!

~Mai

 

[Route66Girl]

Thanks

KJGirlie and DreamGrrl-

Glad you liked it so much! Thank you for the kind words.

Rumple-

Thank you for the crit.

First, though- SO glad your sight was restored, and that you made it out of Viet Nam intact.

About your crit- can I PM you and pick your brain a little more on these matters?

Jon-

I will definitely be using the EDIT feature on this one, and submit a second draft.

I think I was too hasty to get it up.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

R66G wrote:

"About your crit- can I PM you and pick your brain a little more on these matters?"

--

To which RF replied:

Yep, although you'll find it slim pickings.