A Master's Lack of Approval

[cyber_slave]

Sorry, I had to take down my poem.

 

[butters]

welcome to the forum, cyber_slave

the first 6 lines of this were, for me as a reader, far stronger than the rest - more poetry, if you will. having said that, i hope that whoever this was written for will appreciate that you cared enough to write it.

the beginning was stronger for its imagery and clarity - further along your lines feel more contrived, forced to fit, and the poem loses its way. again, this is only my opinion. i do think your opening lines show promise of good stuff to come our way! write on

 

[CharleyH]

A waving tree
In a swaying breeze
A sloping hill
In a sunlit valley


A person alone
In an enemy home
A lost puppy dog
In a dark alleyway

There are many things
That make you glad
There are many things
That make you sad

Someone there
When you are in need

That is what makes me happy
To talk to you causes me such glee
Your approval means the world to me

Though you rarely answer my silent plea,
I just thought that you should see
What you think means the world to me

Unlike Chippy, whom I love loads, I thought the first part weak from an S/m POV. Nevertheless, I agree "that whoever this was written for will appreciate that you cared enough to write it."

 

[butters]

Unlike Chippy, whom I love loads, I thought the first part weak from an S/m POV. Nevertheless, I agree "that whoever this was written for will appreciate that you cared enough to write it."

ooops, i didn't even look at it in that context. how 'barrassing! i was reading it without that set pov. damn. even soooo, as a poem, i still prefer the start as an S/m thing, i am not really qualified to offer an informed opinion

 

[cyber_slave]

I'm extremely glad to get a response. I wrote this about my first master when he decided he wanted to move on. It was actually published in a local newspaper (under the name "Approval") back when i first wrote it. I don't feel this is my best poem though.

Thank you so much for the imput!

 

[CharleyH]

ooops, i didn't even look at it in that context. how 'barrassing! i was reading it without that set pov. damn. even soooo, as a poem, i still prefer the start as an S/m thing, i am not really qualified to offer an informed opinion

Any time a person puts themselves out there as a poet is a joy. I'm not complaining.

 

[CharleyH]

I'm extremely glad to get a response. I wrote this about my first master when he decided he wanted to move on. It was actually published in a local newspaper (under the name "Approval") back when i first wrote it. I don't feel this is my best poem though.

Thank you so much for the imput!

Well, keep writing cyber_slave!