a little help?

[fire child]

Life has become a tiring facade of funny faces and little paper napkins.
a charade of nesting happily and then up and packing.
an endless parade of masks and costumes to compliment
laughing as the rain washes away the whores face paint.

I am tired of being judged for my looks, my youth, or my style,
tired of finding being honest to one means another says liar.
I can't find my niche, my clique, even a crowd, and I feel doomed
to sit along the sidelines unmoving and watching the clouds.

I'm a girl that's caught by cobwebs of the past, sticky
and uncaring strands that don't let me move very fast.
I implore to the gods, the moon, and the trees for release,
yet each evening I commune with a man who's a beast.

Beaten and lonely, and in love with one who compares
what's in his heart to the love he feels for puppies and I let
him think he's won again, but the minutes he's gone away
I find a bottle of liqour, a stranger, and I have no remorse.
​

Does anyone else have any ideas on how to clean it up a bit, add a little more, completely trash it, something?
I'm a little lost with it...and it kind of dead ends, but I'll be damned if I can come up with more. My little pixie muse must be in la la land...and the coffee pixie is just making me miss sleep instead of giving me any ideas.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Trash it. This will be the most efficient. In "Lit blog" you have written that your life is dramatic, full of difficult events. Get an idea, collect a few of the experiences accordingly, a moment from each, and write each one in a few words only. That's all. The readers will make their own conclusions about you being "tired of ..." and so on.

Good luck,

 

[Last_Kiss]

Hi, fire child. I received some help yesterday on one of my own poems and really apppreciated it. I hope you don't mind a newcomer's opinion.

I felt the poem flowed very smoothly but at the same time I feel there are many poems in just the one you have written. But as a stand alone poem, I have some questions for you.

Life has become a tiring facade of funny faces and little paper napkins.
a charade of nesting happily and then up and packing.
an endless parade of masks and costumes to compliment
laughing as the rain washes away the whores face paint.

I like the first stanza but I don't like the second line ending with "Then up and packing". I believe you're being hurt because you're "nesting happily then up packing" but I'm not feeling it.

I am tired of being judged for my looks, my youth, or my style,
tired of finding being honest to one means another says liar.
I can't find my niche, my clique, even a crowd, and I feel doomed
to sit along the sidelines unmoving and watching the clouds.

What is the look and the style you speak of? Can you show it to me in words? Are you really ONLY tired? How about a stronger word? I know if someone were judging or not believing in me that I'd be incredibly hurt.

I'm a girl that's caught by cobwebs of the past, sticky
and uncaring strands that don't let me move very fast.
I implore to the gods, the moon, and the trees for release,
yet each evening I commune with a man who's a beast.

I like this stanza. I wasn't very fond of the word "girl" and I can't put my finger on it as to why.

Beaten and lonely, and in love with one who compares
what's in his heart to the love he feels for puppies and I let
him think he's won again, but the minutes he's gone away
I find a bottle of liqour, a stranger, and I have no remorse.

You're beaten and lonely. Being beaten can lead you to feeling lonely and not loved and wanting to be with someone else. But when I read beaten, I want to see beaten.

You see, there's so much in this one poem. You have some great ideas but what is happening is heartwrenching. I want to feel it.

I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I just wanted to give you my thoughts.

 

[fire child]

Trash it. This will be the most efficient. In "Lit blog" you have written that your life is dramatic, full of difficult events. Get an idea, collect a few of the experiences accordingly, a moment from each, and write each one in a few words only. That's all. The readers will make their own conclusions about you being "tired of ..." and so on.

Good luck,

*nods* I appreciate your honesty. You don't let me try and make something out of nothing...which I tend to do.

 

[fire child]

Hi, fire child. I received some help yesterday on one of my own poems and really apppreciated it. I hope you don't mind a newcomer's opinion.

I felt the poem flowed very smoothly but at the same time I feel there are many poems in just the one you have written. But as a stand alone poem, I have some questions for you.

Life has become a tiring facade of funny faces and little paper napkins.
a charade of nesting happily and then up and packing.
an endless parade of masks and costumes to compliment
laughing as the rain washes away the whores face paint.

I like the first stanza but I don't like the second line ending with "Then up and packing". I believe you're being hurt because you're "nesting happily then up packing" but I'm not feeling it.

I am tired of being judged for my looks, my youth, or my style,
tired of finding being honest to one means another says liar.
I can't find my niche, my clique, even a crowd, and I feel doomed
to sit along the sidelines unmoving and watching the clouds.

What is the look and the style you speak of? Can you show it to me in words? Are you really ONLY tired? How about a stronger word? I know if someone were judging or not believing in me that I'd be incredibly hurt.

I'm a girl that's caught by cobwebs of the past, sticky
and uncaring strands that don't let me move very fast.
I implore to the gods, the moon, and the trees for release,
yet each evening I commune with a man who's a beast.

I like this stanza. I wasn't very fond of the word "girl" and I can't put my finger on it as to why.

Beaten and lonely, and in love with one who compares
what's in his heart to the love he feels for puppies and I let
him think he's won again, but the minutes he's gone away
I find a bottle of liqour, a stranger, and I have no remorse.

You're beaten and lonely. Being beaten can lead you to feeling lonely and not loved and wanting to be with someone else. But when I read beaten, I want to see beaten.

You see, there's so much in this one poem. You have some great ideas but what is happening is heartwrenching. I want to feel it.

I hope I didn't offend you in any way. I just wanted to give you my thoughts.

Wonderful advice. And don't worry about it...I take critique well, and am always glad when someone tries to help me. Even after being here for going on three years, my writing style is still childish and pathetic...but I'm darned if I'll ever give up. Not being able to help others myself, I sometimes just end up feeling like a nuisance, but this board is full of darling people who keep pushing me to expand my mind and try just a little harder.
No offense taken whatsoever...I asked for opinion/advice on it, and that's what you gave. Although, I fear Senna might be right...maybe I just need to tackle these thoughts a whole new way.

why was the elephant painting his toenails different colors?
...?
so he could hide in the jellybeans.
what?
you've never seen an elephant in jellybeans?
... ...
worked, didn't it?​

 

[Last_Kiss]

Wonderful advice. And don't worry about it...I take critique well, and am always glad when someone tries to help me. Even after being here for going on three years, my writing style is still childish and pathetic...but I'm darned if I'll ever give up. Not being able to help others myself, I sometimes just end up feeling like a nuisance, but this board is full of darling people who keep pushing me to expand my mind and try just a little harder.
No offense taken whatsoever...I asked for opinion/advice on it, and that's what you gave. Although, I fear Senna might be right...maybe I just need to tackle these thoughts a whole new way.

You're welcome!

There's no such thing (in my mind) that any free verse poem is written childish and or pathetic. Free verse is FREE. There aren't any rules. Also, I wouldn't let anyone, even yourself, tell you to trash something you wrote. You're being too hard on yourself.

This is something I saved from a "To learn" poetry site about free verse.

"Free Verse is an irregular form of poetry in which the content free of traditional rules of versification, (freedom from fixed meter or rhyme).

In moving from line to line, the poet's main consideration is where to insert line breaks. Some ways of doing this include breaking the line where there is a natural pause or at a point of suspense for the reader."

 

[Liar]

There's no such thing (in my mind) that any free verse poem is written childish and or pathetic. Free verse is FREE. There aren't any rules. Also, I wouldn't let anyone, even yourself, tell you to trash something you wrote. You're being too hard on yourself.

This is something I saved from a "To learn" poetry site about free verse.

"Free Verse is an irregular form of poetry in which the content free of traditional rules of versification, (freedom from fixed meter or rhyme).

In moving from line to line, the poet's main consideration is where to insert line breaks. Some ways of doing this include breaking the line where there is a natural pause or at a point of suspense for the reader."

If I may... I just hafta disagree a little.

That quote you have there (good one btw, I might pass it on) merely says that 'free verse' is unregulated from rhyme and meter. True, there are no rules (except maybe 'dont spell wrong - unless you intend to'). But that desn't mean that everything written that way is good. I can write a novel, that will follow the rules of a novel, ad look like one, and it will still be trivial, boring and unreadable. Childish and pathetic even. I've done it, so I know.

I'd say all kinds of writing can be childish and pathetic - if not in form so in style and content. Whether it's unreglated (free) verse or a sonnet in rhyming iambic pentameter. Or a novel. Or a news article.

That being said, you're right about not trashing stuff. Even if something is poorly written, it is there, and that's something. If nothing else, it's a record of a perspective that you wrote down. And it means something, at least for you.

 

[Last_Kiss]

If I may... I just hafta disagree a little.

That quote you have there (good one btw, I might pass it on) merely says that 'free verse' is unregulated from rhyme and meter. True, there are no rules (except maybe 'dont spell wrong - unless you intend to'). But that desn't mean that everything written that way is good. I can write a novel, that will follow the rules of a novel, ad look like one, and it will still be trivial, boring and unreadable. Childish and pathetic even. I've done it, so I know.

I'd say all kinds of writing can be childish and pathetic - if not in form so in style and content. Whether it's unreglated (free) verse or a sonnet in rhyming iambic pentameter. Or a novel. Or a news article.

That being said, you're right about not trashing stuff. Even if something is poorly written, it is there, and that's something. If nothing else, it's a record of a perspective that you wrote down. And it means something, at least for you.

No, of course not. That doesn't mean everything is good. I do believe that if you're drawn into the poem that's it's most important in free verse or any poem for that matter, but especially free verse because there aren't any rules. I've seen and I'm sure you have to, so many people write in many different styles. I'm not too fond of short lines but I wouldn't grade it (so to speak) on that. I'd grade it on how the poem moved me if at all. But it should have a smooth read to it and I'm sure you agree. See how this could get confusing? I hope I'm making sense.

For me, I like to end my lines with a pause or end it with a word that excites the reader to move on to the next line. And then there are times where I like having it look like a square box, almost like a short story would appear. It just looks clean. Isn't that a strange word to use? "Clean". I don't know how else to put it.

 

[fire child]

I agree about things being clean, but for me it's more a mental picture.
Eh, I don't REALLY believe in trashing something...if I write it, I keep working on it, until its good. But sometimes, you have to erase it all, and take the idea, the thing motivating you, and just tackle it a totally different way. So, nothing gets completely thrown out...even if I write something, and can't really work with it, I toss it aside, and go back to it later.

I have one I've been working on since I joined this site, and it's still absolutely sad...but I love the idea behind it, so I won't ever quit trying.

"...free your verse and free your mind!"
~ethan L.D.Cybtiana~
2-14-80 3-6-97
RIP​