A little help please?

[duke4227]

I have no idea how my erotica is being received. Poorly I guess. When I write professionally in the SF genre I make good money (good feed back) and people tell me what they like or don't like. I'm new to writing erotica and have no idea how I'm doing. Any suggestions?

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=114851


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=114801

 

[Guest]

I read 114801

And it was pretty good, although I reckon it's in a wrong category.

Now, let me read your Si-Fi stuff. Do they include sex with an octopus-like extra-terrestorial creature?

 

[Ms_Kat]

Duke,


My standard advice is to always try and bring all five senses into a story (even though I don't always manage to do it myself). Taste and smell are often forgotten, but they mean so much to us in life.

Other than that

The story is written in an extremely passive voice. For instance, the first line says, "The evening was warm and the half moon shone through an almost cloudless sky..." It paints a nice picture, but it stands apart from the story because the characters are not involved in it. Also, Duke is waiting, but is he waiting in a car, at home, or standing in the alley waiting for her to walk by?

A more active lead-in would be something like, "Duke moved deeper into the shadows and cursed the heat that refused to surrender to the coolness that the coming night had promised. He glanced up at the half moon, blindingly bright in the cloudless sky. Not a good night for hiding, he thought."

Obviously, this puts the story in a different context than the one you wanted, but it gives details and involves the character in the background.

I read an essay by Issaac Asimov several years ago giving advice to struggling writers. His main problem with new writers is that they tend to paint too much background before getting to the action. Action, to him, meant people talking about their internal conflicts. One comment he made that stuck with me is that the best place to start dialogue is the first line. That keeps you from writing tons of details that no one reads because they want to see what you character is doing, not what he or she has already done. I see a tendency for you to fall into this trap.

For instance, the lead-in could be something like this:


"Damnit," Duke muttered under his breath. "She damn well better be worth it."


Hope this gives you something you can use.



Hugs,


Kat

 

[duke4227]

Duke,


My standard advice is to always try and bring all five senses into a story (even though I don't always manage to do it myself). Taste and smell are often forgotten, but they mean so much to us in life.

Other than that

The story is written in an extremely passive voice. For instance, the first line says, "The evening was warm and the half moon shone through an almost cloudless sky..." It paints a nice picture, but it stands apart from the story because the characters are not involved in it. Also, Duke is waiting, but is he waiting in a car, at home, or standing in the alley waiting for her to walk by?

A more active lead-in would be something like, "Duke moved deeper into the shadows and cursed the heat that refused to surrender to the coolness that the coming night had promised. He glanced up at the half moon, blindingly bright in the cloudless sky. Not a good night for hiding, he thought."

Obviously, this puts the story in a different context than the one you wanted, but it gives details and involves the character in the background.

I read an essay by Issaac Asimov several years ago giving advice to struggling writers. His main problem with new writers is that they tend to paint too much background before getting to the action. Action, to him, meant people talking about their internal conflicts. One comment he made that stuck with me is that the best place to start dialogue is the first line. That keeps you from writing tons of details that no one reads because they want to see what you character is doing, not what he or she has already done. I see a tendency for you to fall into this trap.

For instance, the lead-in could be something like this:


"Damnit," Duke muttered under his breath. "She damn well better be worth it."


Hope this gives you something you can use.



Hugs,


Kat

Thank you for reminding me. I use that in my SF. Now I wonder why I thought it wasn't necessary for erotica. Good points and I thank you for taking the time to point them up to me.

 

[duke4227]

I read 114801

And it was pretty good, although I reckon it's in a wrong category.

Now, let me read your Si-Fi stuff. Do they include sex with an octopus-like extra-terrestorial creature?

Sorry, any sex in my SF is strictly a passing expression of a character's humanity.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read “A Dream Evening With Margaret”. Or rather, I started it. I got down to her first orgasm and I had to leave. I’m afraid it didn’t do anything for me.

We could argue and discuss what makes porn hot—whether it’s the descriptions or the imagery or the way characters reveal their hidden needs and desires—but one thing’s for sure: it’s more than a list of the things people do when they’re together.

Here’s an excerpt from your story:

Duke began to rub her body gently. Everywhere except between her legs. He was in no hurry and wanted her fully aroused before even going to her pussy with his hands. He took her right nipple into his mouth and began to suck and nibble on it while his hand worked on the left nipple and continued to rub her delicious body. He kissed her neck then her throat; her ear then her lips; her eyes then her throat again. He trailed a line of kisses and tongue down to her left breast where he kissed squeezed and nibbled around the nipple without ever touching it. Finally he gave in to her urging and clamped his lips on that stunning nubbin. He sucked mightily then licked with a rapid back and forth tongue. He nibbled on it. He squeezed it with his lips while his hands were squeezing what he could get to of that spectacular butt. At long last he felt she might be ready.

This is an example of what I think of as ‘and-then-he’ writing. It’s a flat list of the things he did and where he did them. There’s no imagery, no richness of language, nothing about her response, no emotion and no heat.

Maybe there are some readers who get off on this kind of stuff, I don’t know. You maybe could tell from your feedback. But it leaves me totally cold. I like to see the big picture. I’m less concerned with exactly where his tongue is on her nipple than I am with how it makes her feel and how she responds: the moaning and sighing, her head lolling back and eyes closing, her breath catching in her throat.

I want to be able to see and feel what’s going on between them. Listen, this guy’s sexual technique is not so radical that I need to know every move he makes. Rather I’d like to know what it feels like to him to have her breast in my mouth. Throw in a couple of fresh images that describe what it’s like to do that to her so that I can feel it. Show me what she looks like so I can imagine how she’s feeling. Put in some concrete detail so I can see the suds on her body or the candlelight on her skin.

As it is, you’ve got a list of things he does, and then I suppose a list of what she does to him. You need a lot more concrete sensual detail to make that scene come alive.

By the way: that exceprt is from a monstrously long paragraph; it almost fills the entire Lit screen. Big, monolithic paragraphs are always bad. They make you feel like you’re reading an economics text book. When in doubt, I say, start a new paragraph. Better too much white space than not enough.

Hope some of this stuff is useful.

---dr.M..

 

[duke4227]

To Dr. m

Thank you, Sir. Your comments are very cogent. I intend to write a story incorporating each of these comments and yours will take a lead role. If you have ever taken a writing course you will recognize the exercise.

I thank you for taking the time to write the instructive critique.