a lil feedback please!

[Raindear816]

Hi, its the newbie askin the gurus for a lil feedback on this poem, any would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


A Hummingbird's Silent Scream

I was a free hummingbird,
drinking from flowers of passion.
You knew words were my nectar.

Luring me with a mixture of
love, sexual innuendo, double entendres
and clever repartee.

That fake red sweetness seduced me
I drank of it.

You lead me to believe I could fly
while you embraced me.
Instead you crushed my wings,
I plummeted to the ground.

I am no longer a free hummingbird.
I am a caged bird.
Disabled.

Made to drink that sick crimson concoction
You call sweetness.

It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Raindear816 5/4/03

We all are angels with one wing, we may only fly while embracing each other.

 

[Blackeyed Skye]

Hope you'll pardon the feedback of another newbie.
I think what you may want to consider is changing some words. And I'd rethink the title. To seasoned poets and readers your title may cause eyes to roll a little. It would be better to drop everything but Hummingbird. That lone word makes a better title. What you have now is on the level of Butterfly's Soaring Love or Bunnies Soft in Field of Clover. Anyway, a little editing can fix that.


Suggested Revision:

Your sexual innuendo
and clever repartee
were my nectar,
fake red sweetness.

I believed I could fly
in your embrace
but crushed wings
plummeted me.

I am a caged bird
drinking your sweetness,
crimson concoction
of bitter taste.

This is one of many revisions you could make. Of course, it needs more polish, but I wanted to give you an idea of another way to present your poem.

Skye

 

[Raindear816]

Thank you Skye, I can see how eyes would roll concerning the title and the drama. Your suggestions, newbie or not, were excellent and greatly appreciated! Now in between life and children, I will find time to polish and make changes.

Lead me not into temtptaion. I can find it all by myself!

 

[CharleyH]

I am a semiotician of sorts, lingering in the metaphorical, symbolic, lada lada. I, too, would just eliminate hummingbird from the title . . . it is stated in the poem. If you will allow critique, please read on . . . I feel myself only able to comment upon the expressive as an encouragement, (only grammatical, when I really notice tenses, otherwise a poem is meant, in itself, to be free). My questioning is simply to help your thought, help pinpoint the implications already there- it is your poem, do what you will. Already you have a beautiful poem. Use what you feel benefits your art, if it helps – discard the rest.

A Hummingbird's Silent Scream

I was a free hummingbird, (a bird is always free, unless caged, the implication is already there. I would reconsider the word free. In the context of the poem, the word free here is unnecessary because as a bird it is already implied, and through the suggestion of the rest of the poem, it is obvious.)
drinking from flowers of passion.
You knew words were my nectar. (in keeping with what is implied, do birds speak words? Or sing, lyricize, as a poet, poeticize? Words are many things, however, as a bird, what are they to you?)

Luring me with a mixture of
love, sexual innuendo, double entendres
and clever repartee. (asforementioned, words are not of birds, though they could be, yet if words etc. are your nectar is there something more that might lure you? When do birds sing? What do they crave when they sing? How are birds lured into love? Sex? As a poet how are you lured? Are words foreplay? Are words sex? I see what you like, but how is it lured? I feel upon reading that it is more than just love, innuendo . . . though those are a part of it - and feel that you could do more to incite the excitement that these instill in you.)

That fake red sweetness seduced me (I am a bit confused whether this is the fake red sweetness of a flower – like a venus fly trap? Of the luring colour of the other, another bird, that seduced you? Of love? Of blood?)
I drank of it.

You lead me to believe I could fly (past present mix –LEAD me to believe that I CAN or LED me to believe that I COULD)
while you embraced me. (what is the character of the other in your poem? A bird? A human? Does a bird embrace? Does a human embrace a bird? Does a bird flirt - what does a human do when they have a bird in their hand?)
Instead you crushed my wings, (Or if you are embraced, there is no instead, simply "while you embraced me, you crushed my wings." Think Truman Capote - "you cannot love a wild thing always struggling to be free")
I plummeted to the ground.

I am no longer a free hummingbird. (Free, in my opinion is inherent, not needed, you simply are no more, you drank of the nectar and cannot be free).
I am a caged bird. (is a bird a bird when it is caged? If not, what is it? A pet? Otherwise I am already a bird, "I am caged" no need to again use the word bird - we know you are already a bird, and a bird who is caged is no longer free.)
Disabled.

Made to drink that sick crimson concoction (a second reference to drinking the red . . .the red of the nectar – because you use it twice it DOES become a powerful symbol – you should rethink this – is it now the red nector fed to you rather than gathered from something as a free independant spirit? What is the red . . . love, pasion, blood . . . it was fake, and now are you forced to be fake? Is it nature, or synthetic . . . as a hummingbird?)
You call sweetness.

It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. (Does it leave a bitter taste? You are no longer free? Or are you bittered by the taste?)

Hope this helps?! Feel free to comment on my shit anytime! I always welcome feedback. Whether or not I change it, like you, is up to me!

Otherwise a thinking poem . . . which I love. I liked how your try to bring the symbols of freedom, the chains so to speak to the fore . . . that you don't like the binding, that you feel tricked, really comes through.

CharleyH

Raindear816 5/4/03

 

[Raindear816]

Orinigal message from Charley H (message shortened )
I am a semiotician of sorts, lingering in the metaphorical, symbolic, lada lada. I, too, would just eliminate hummingbird from the title . . . it is stated in the poem. If you will allow critique, please read on . . . I feel myself only able to comment upon the expressive as an encouragement, (only grammatical, when I really notice tenses, otherwise a poem is meant, in itself, to be free). My questioning is simply to help your thought, help pinpoint the implications already there- it is your poem, do what you will. Already you have a beautiful poem. Use what you feel benefits your art, if it helps – discard the rest......


CharleyH
____________________________________________________

WOW, I feel analyzed and dissectected. You are a Super Semiotician CharleyH really!

OK here it goes...

He called me his hummingbird, I fluttered in and out of his life with freedom.
His words, actions, and trickery seduced me like the fake nectar in a hummingbird feeder bottle (i.e. sugar water and red food coloring)...red like true passion, only NOT, he lied to me.
He knew my weakness was the seduction thru words of passion, sex, desire and love,...things i did not have in my life.
That fake "nectar" of his lured me to believe in the things he'd promised. I bought it when i drank it all in.

I did mean "led me to believe..."

He made me believe that i could maintain a free spirit with his love to hold me, and instead the hold began to crush my spirit(wings) and I was trapped(caged)
forced to accept the fact that no matter what, I would never be what or who i once was and never taste the sweetness of freedom i once had. And with that, his so-called love( the sick crimson concoction) made me bitter.

Ok now i've explained my soul in this poem. I am at best a very rough amatuer. Thank you and anyone who gives me guidance.


~"""Rain """ ~

 

[CharleyH]

Hey babe!

OK long thang!
I am trying to make you think about the words your use, not trying to lead you into a scenario of my thought processes.

I really think your poem is beautiful, I just felt, as the kind of person I am, that you need to work the symbols. There are already symbols and metaphors in your poem that reflect you, your feelings. I do know, feel what you are getting at in the poem- I just think it could be imaged more succinctly.

A lot of your symbols are open, and could be closed to SUIT YOUR NEEDS – WANTS etc, which I think, simply I think needs to be done in a poem. A poem is always personal, and yet, accessible. My questions are simply geared toward your thinking, what is it that you NEED to get across, for yourself. In my opinion, a poem is you at various moments in your life.

If you are a hummingbird then your ARE a TYPE of bird and hummingbird brings with it a lot of symbols, as do other types of birds. For example, off cuff, because I haven’t studied hummingbirds, and people bring with them, to a poem, their own concepts and experiences, hummingbirds ARE birds that people try to lure into their yards with sweet nectar, which is what you do get across . . . but who is HE to you. Doesn’t matter what he called you – you FELT you were the hummigbird, as in the prelude to your poem, despite him – and in North American culture, one who was free – think of your own culture - who is lured into the backyards of that culture – depending on how you experience it – patriarchal, matriarchal, oppressive, submissive . . . etc. You are in your poem AS free. . . . free UNTIL into the grips of what he was or wanted. So say it! Poetically of course. You were free, and then not – a bird free, and then not free, what are you, a bird caged according to your poem? Read again my previous email.

There are only things you should revisit, reconsider, and if you don’t want to, you like your stuff as is – great! Do not change your poem if you like it, if you want to stay there. I ask you only to question, dig inside yourself to bring out those metaphors that you already use, but could use more succinctly. I think you have a great poem, but simply, and humbly think they could be more pointed to what you feel with the change of something here, and there. Obviously he was close to you, so bring him close and show the gap. I think you could be more in tune with YOU, your feelings, what you were, and have become, how he may have destroyed you, enwrapped you. I think you could reflect better the elation, and perhaps pain of being wrapped into a scenario where things are, in reality one thing, but become, or are another.

I am, but one person.

As a writer trying to publish, you have to bypass 50 rejections before being published, AND this is a great venue. Please note that I am not always right – I simply am myself, and know what I like. My critique is only meant to help, not hinder,

CharleyH

email persponally if you wish

thutchinson@the-wire.com

 

[Raindear816]

Thank you Charley H. dear. I appreciate all you have said and will begin rethinking about closing that gap i left and not have this poem be so cryptic in its meaning. I consider your feedback and that from others, a splendid gift.

Peace and Light,
~ """ Rain""" ~

 

[Raindear816]

Close this post please

I have, with the help of other poets, "fixed" the poem, so we can close this thread, i just don't know how.

 

[kentjay]

I like the poem

You have a way with words