A friend of mine from Texas just sent this to me,,, thought I'd share a bit of HUMOR ( get it ??!!?? this is meant to be funny ) after you have read this and had a chuckle or two you may resume your discussions of the presidential election or whatever,,,
REMEMBER ya'll,( Mid-Atlantic spelling of you all ) humor is the counter point of serious,,, and we've had enough seriousness for a day or two so take a break,,,
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Submitted by SkeeterandBubba
Welcome to the South...
Issued by the Southern Texas Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.)These people have all been known to kick ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape. Naturally, we don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War history. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Dallas instead of Washington. If you don't like it we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Texas accent. This will incite ariot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, San Francisco, Chicago, Portland and Las Vegas, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take
your ass home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, or we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into
your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or San Jose. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your ass.
REMEMBER ya'll,( Mid-Atlantic spelling of you all ) humor is the counter point of serious,,, and we've had enough seriousness for a day or two so take a break,,,
************************************************************
Submitted by SkeeterandBubba
Welcome to the South...
Issued by the Southern Texas Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.)These people have all been known to kick ass.
3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape. Naturally, we don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
6) Don't laugh at our Civil War history. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Dallas instead of Washington. If you don't like it we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.
8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't fake a Texas accent. This will incite ariot, and you will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, San Francisco, Chicago, Portland and Las Vegas, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take
your ass home before it gets kicked.
11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, or we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.
13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into
your ass just like they did ours.
14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or San Jose. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus your ass.
