A Jones Story Ch. 01

[RuReal]

Hello All,

I have lurked for a while and posted a few times. I have received help for a story I was writing before from some people online here. The comments I have received have been great in helping me improve my writing.

With all of that said I have put out my latest story and so far I think it has gotten a lot better than what I have put out before. I am sure it could still use a little tweaking and I would appreciate any helpful criticism. That does not mean I am going to agree with everything said that is human nature, but I do listen and try to think on what people say.

Thanks in advance for the help

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=238791

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Requested Feedback

One thing that I see right off is that the clock harshly displays in red four nineteen, which in my mind indicates the day is almost at end. In the next paragraph the character is checking his schedule for the day. Admittedly he might work swing shift, but if so this needs to be stated. Otherwise the two seemingly conflict.

I have a little problem with this sentence: "...but hidden behind the hard exterior shell is a towering fire that has driven him to where he is today." Not sure what you mean by a towering fire. Perhaps fiery determination may be a better choice.

There are some easily resolved grammar, punctuation, and paragraphing issues.

Other than that it's a good read.

 

[Pure]

Hi RR,

I'm moving this to Story Feedback. You may read the 'stickies' if you are interested in learning about the Story Disc Circle. or participating in it.

J
moderator

 

[kbate]

The ringing phone on Neil's desk is an unwelcome disturbance to his busy day. Glancing over at the clock it shows four-nineteen in harsh red numbers. He returns his attention to the phone on his desk and examines the display to see that the call is from security. Taking the receiver from its base, his deep authoritative voice rolls out filling the sterile setting of the office. "Neil speaking." The voice of the guard on the other end of the line advises him that he has a Ms. Jen Smith waiting to see him for a four-thirty appointment. "Send her up please," he replies and hangs up the phone.

*****

The ringing telephone on his desk forces Neil from his self-analysis and makes him step lively from the restroom to his desk to answer. "Hello Mr. Jones your four-thirty appointment is here," states the nasal voice at the other end of the phone line. "Show her in please," he responds then takes a seat at his desk in the comfortable black and burgundy leather chair. Impatience is clearly written on the waiting man's face. Leaning far back in the comfy chair he steeples his hands before him.

*******
The redundancy and similarity of these two paragraphs is striking.

It is written as if being told by a director to robotic actors, very passive. The action does not come from the characters, but rather from the unseen voice telling the tale.

*****

the beginning could read:

"Shit," Neil thought reaching for the phone. It was late and he was too busy to waste time on a call, but the caller ID read 'security desk'. "Neil Jones," he spoke into the receiver. He listened for a moment, "Very well, send her up."

"Miss Jenny Smith," he mumbled while searching the stacks of resumes for her name; not finding it, Neil checked his appointment book. "Hmm, not here," he wondered. A knock on the door caused him to look up. "Come in."

I know it cuts a ton of detail, but much of that detail has no purpose other than making the story longer. I have no problem with adding a paragraph to describe his appearance as an aging, but still virile and powerful man. One to describe Jen's appearance is fine, but sometimes it can be overdone. Telling us the office is "sterile" twice seemed a tad much, unless it is a metaphor for Mr. Jones aged sperm.

*****

"Authoritatively voiced men" do not sit in "comfy" chairs.

Most of us know how to answer a phone, lift and talk. You describe the process twice.

Is there a good reason to know the clock has "harsh red numbers" in what way is harsh red different from regular red?


***

The story itself is good enough, but I felt it could be trimmed by 40% and say the same thing.

 

[RuReal]

Thanks for the input I will keep it all in mind when working on the next story.