a joke

[Nexxus]

Is it proper to post jokes or do I get demerits?

A man and woman are sleeping late one evening when the doorbell starts to ring furiously.
The man gets up and wanders groggily to the window, opens it and yells down "who is it?"
A very drunken voice yells back "I need a push!"
The man yells down "Get outta here you drunk! Do you know its two thirty in the morning?!"
The man goes back to bed and his wife says "honey, I remember some nights when we would be out drinking a little too much and the car would break down and you had to stop and ask a stranger for help in the late hours."
The man thinks about it and sighs heavily.
He goes downstairs and opens the front door, but no one is there. He yells out "Hey! do you still need a push?"
A voice comes back from the darkness "Yesh."
"Well, where are you?" the man says as he leans out the doorway.
"Over here....on your swing."

 

[Savage Kitten]

*shrugs* dunno but....

here goes one I heard recently

A psychologist was doing an 'association' study using first grade students. He gave each of the students some lifesavors candies and asked them to tell him the flavor just by looking at the color. The students had no problem associating purple=grape, red=cherry, yellow=lemon, orange=orange. So the Doc decided to try one a little more advanced and gave them a honey flavored one. The students couldn't figure out the flavor by just looking at it so he told them to suck on it. After a few minutes he decides to give them a hint since none of the students have a clue as to the flavor.

"It's what your mommy calls your daddy', the Doc says to the class.

All of a sudden a little girl spits her candy out and tells the class in a rather loud voice, "Spit it out!!! It's an ASSHOLE!!"

 

[Cyra_3]

LMAO!

 

[Guest]

A man goes to a proctologist for his very first rectal exam. The doc tells him to wait in the examination room. Once inside, the man notices three items on the desk: a tube of K-Y, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor comes in, the man says, "Look, Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for...but what's the beer doing there?"

The doctor looks at the beer and turns red with anger. "Nurse," he screams. "I said a butt light!"

 

[Kamiyue2c]

Here goes, this one was sent to me.

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down
three inches..., I will feel the mist from the water and I will be
refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, " Gosh if that fly goes down
three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a
proper lunch." (You probably think this is enough activity for one bank
of a lake, but...there was more.)
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, " Gosh...if that fly
goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that
bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh...
if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that
fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that
bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can
have mouse for lunch.
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs
the fish..., the hunter shoots the bear... the mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich...the cat jumps for the mouse... the mouse ducks... the cat
falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches....
some pussy is in danger.

 

[Angelique]

Thought this was kinda cute...

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!"

The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed."

The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument that you have."

The bartender replied back "well I'll tell you what if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free"

The bartender went up to the band playing and he got a guitar. He put it down on the bar.

The octopus crawled up on the bar and felt around the guitar for a little while when finally he picked it up and started playing it. He was so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and at this point he said "alright lets try one more." This time he went into the back room and brought out a dusty old set of bagpipes, promptly put them on the bar and said "lets see him play this."

The octopus started crawling all over the bagpipes. He continued this for quite a while, when the bartender shouted out " See I knew he couldn't play all these instruments"

The man replied, "Just give him a moment. As soon as he see's he can't have sex with it, he will play it!"

 

[Nexxus]

Allllright, I see the competition is fierce!

A man wals into a bar with a monkey. The man sits down to have a drink and the monkey starts to wander around. Soon the monkey is eating everything at an amazing pace. Plants, pool table felt, napkins, swizzle sticks, evrything.
Finally the bartender comes over to the guy in a panic and says "Hey! Your monkey is eating everything! he's tearing my place apart! He just ate the fucking cue ball off the pool table!"
The man gets completely embarrassed. He throws a couple of hundred dollar bills on the bar to cover the damage and takes the monkey out.
A few weeks later he comes back in with the monkey swearing it won't happen again. The monkey gingerly walks around and finds a bowl of nuts. Slowly, he takes out a nut shoves it up his ass then pulls it out and eats it. He does this a few times with different sized nuts. The bartender, totally grossed out says" Buddy, your monkey is weirsding out. He takes the nuts and shoves them up his ass and then eats 'em!"
The guy says, "yeah. After he had to pass that cueball last time he tests everything first!

 

[Xander]

http://geocities.com/r337m0nk3y/sally/lol.gif

at all of you

 

[Nexxus]

C'mon Xanadu....oops, I mean Xander! Give us one of your best!

Nex

 

[Magic Merlin]

A lawyer and a geologist were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said," I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the geologist. "I am here because my house and all of my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked, "How do you start a flood?"

__________________________________

There were two Indians and a Cowboy walking along together in the desert when all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a steep hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the entrance,"Woooooo! Woooooo! and then listened very closely until he heard an answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Cowboy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. "Was that Indian goofy or something?"
"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo!" and get an answer back,that means she is in there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time the other Indian spotted another cave. He took off, ran to the cave, stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard a reply, "Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Cowboy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. Suddenly he looked up and saw this great big cave. He was amazed at the size and thought, "Man! It's bigger than the caves those Indians found. There must be something
special in this cave!" Well, he darted up the hill at great speed with hopes of grandeur. He got in front of the cave and yelled, "Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was thrilled when he heard the answering call of "Woooooo! Woooooo!" He quickly took off his clothes. With a happy face he raced into the cave.

The headlines in the next day's newspaper read: Naked Cowboy Run Over By Freight Train!

[Edited by Magic Merlin on 06-23-2000 at 05:35 AM]

 

[Expertise]

Hope this doesn't get too many groans...

This young guy in an effort to please his never satisfied father, who was a very crusty and highly decorated though retired Army Colonel decided to join the Army in an efort to please his dad. Not only did he join the Army but volunteered for Airborne (Paratrooper) training.

When the young man returned home on his first Leave after "Jump School" his father met him at the door with a huge and satisfied grin on his face...

"Son, I am sooo proud of you, how was jump school"?

"Well dad not that good...."

"Whattya' mean not that good" asked the father. "What was wrong"?

"Well dad we were on the aircraft for our first real jump, and the sargeant said to us "STAND UP" and I stood up, then he said "HOOK UP" and I hooked up, then he said "SHUFFEL TO THE DOOR" and I shuffeled to the door ... but then I froze dad..

"Well what did he do then" asked the colonel.

Well he said "c'mon boy you can do it" but I was still frozen. And then he said "SON, EXIT THIS AIRCRAFT RIGHT FUCKIN NOW" but I couldn't I was still scared stiff. And then he said "SOLDIER< EXIT THIS AIRCRAFT RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR I AM GOING TO RAM MY COCK UP YOUR ASS"!

"So you jumped" said the father.

"Well yeah... a little at first"

 

[Savage Kitten]

cute or what?

Q: What does a puppy and a near-sighted gynocologist have in common??

A: They both have wet noses!!!

 

[Guest]

A guy walked into a bar

ouch