A Girl Named Desire. Ch.2 just released

[Beneaththesurface]

A Girl Named Desire. Ch.2 just released. What do you think compared to Ch. 1? Looking for feedback so I can begin ch. 3

A Girl Named Desire Ch. 2
https://www.literotica.com/beta/s/a-girl-named-desire-ch-02

 

[ElectricBlue]

That's a link to an image, not the story.

 

[Beneaththesurface]

That's a link to an image, not the story.

Thanks for pointing that out, my mistake

 

[ElectricBlue]

I personally find present tense writing hard to get into, but that's me - many don't care.

What I found more disruptive is your tendency to use speech tags in a way that many readers find intrusive.

"You like this Brandon, don't you?"

"Yes," I reply.

"It is yes Desire," she sternly instructs.

"Yes Desire," I obediently respond.

"Good boy, " she acknowledges

Using speech tags in this way is telling the reader, not showing; to me it seems artificial.

This point comes up a lot here in the feedback forum, and the consensus is generally, don't do it. I know folk will jump in and say, "Write how you like," but sometimes people say the same thing repeatedly for a reason. This is one of those times, I think.

Also, I think you need to break up your narrative sentence length more - your prose has a curiously plodding style. I can't put my finger on it, but I think it's the unvaried long sentences in the narrative paragraphs, which, coupled with the dialogue tagging, has a really curious effect.

Hang in there, though - everyone's first stories can do with improvement, just write more .

 

[AlinaX]

Agree completely. Also, I often write present tense, but even I often get readers complaining about it.

Anyway. Learn how to use commas, be very sparing with adverbs, minimise the dialogue tags, and try not to boldly split infinitives that no one has split before.

"You like this, Brandon, don't you?"

"Yes."

"It is 'Yes, Desire,'" she says, her expression stern, her voice sharp.

"Yes, Desire," I respond.

"Good boy."

While repeating 'says' a lot feels like excessive repetition, as long as you don't use it in every single line of dialogue, readers will tune it out. Mix in the very occasional asks, responds, whispers, snarls, growls, instructs, commands, as appropriate.

Adverbs in dialogue tags make them distracting. You can use them - you can say quietly and bite back sharply - but, notice here, the adverbs tend to describe the speech specifically.

 

[Beneaththesurface]

Thanks electricblue66 and alinaX for the feedback. I am brand new to this, never attempted to write anything before. I appreciate the suggestions and use all the information I get on these boards to try to get better. I've just started working with an editor on another more lengthy story and he has pointed out some of the same concerns and is helping to guide me along.

With those concerns aside, I'm wondering about the storyline from chapter one compared to chapter two? There is reversal in the plot so I am wondering if the readers didn't like chapter two as much as chapter 1. Chapter 1 in a week was at 4k with a 4.4 rating, chapter 2 is at 1k with a 4.3. So I'm just curious if I went wrong with the plot on chapter 2.

 

[AlinaX]

Successive chapters tend to get fewer readers, but more loyal ones. That's why the halls of fame are filled with high chapters.

 

[Beneaththesurface]

Successive chapters tend to get fewer readers, but more loyal ones. That's why the halls of fame are filled with high chapters.

Thanks. I learn something new everyday.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Chapter 1 in a week was at 4k with a 4.4 rating, chapter 2 is at 1k with a 4.3. So I'm just curious if I went wrong with the plot on chapter 2.

That's a typical drop in numbers. With my multi-chapter stories I see a 50% drop in Views between Ch.1 and Ch.2, and a further 50% drop by Ch.3. My rule of thumb is maybe 20 - 25% of a Ch.1 View count will read a story to the end.

I apply the same logic to a stand-alone story - far more people will back-click than will read it. Of course, exceptions apply, but never assume Views = Reads. They don't.