A Genuine Question about the S/M Life

[lesbiaphrodite]

I'm probably stepping into the deep end with this question, but I'm willing to go ahead even though I'm not the best swimmer.

Can someone please explain to me in your own words, without a lot of labels and language I don't understand, what is appealing about S/M relationships, particularly the sexual aspects of it? I'm looking for male and female responses here because I want the full picture.

I admit that I'm a total blank slate here. I know nothing about it. I don't really want to try it, but I do want to potentially write about it, so I need to understand it. Any help would be appreciated.

 

[Firebrain]

Pop over to the BDSM forum; you'll find all the info you need. They have stickies for certain questions too.

 

[LaRocha]

I'm probably stepping into the deep end with this question, but I'm willing to go ahead even though I'm not the best swimmer.

Can someone please explain to me in your own words, without a lot of labels and language I don't understand, what is appealing about S/M relationships, particularly the sexual aspects of it? I'm looking for male and female responses here because I want the full picture.

I admit that I'm a total blank slate here. I know nothing about it. I don't really want to try it, but I do want to potentially write about it, so I need to understand it. Any help would be appreciated.

good luck finding sadists.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

Pop over to the BDSM forum; you'll find all the info you need. They have stickies for certain questions too.

Thank you so much. I shall take your advice. I have a million questions, so that should help a lot.

 

[rgraham666]

My own take is that BDSM is about power and responsibility.

The sub gives up power to the dom(me) as well as the responsibility for their pleasure. All the sub has to do is obey and enjoy.

The dom(me) takes that power because having control over another person is very exciting.

My $0.02.

 

[PoppingTom]

I think it's hard to understand if this isn't your sexual desire. I just can tell, what I feel about it.

First of all: it's like any other love. Without communication and feeling, nothing works.

The main thing is, you have to explore, what part excites you more, being the dominant or the submissive. At some people, this can change from person to person, but in relationships, it's mostly predetermined by your feelings to that special person. If you trust your partner nearly blind, and he/she trusts you the same way, you tend to one role of it.

To be the dominant person doesn't mean to give pain to your slave, but to please him with pain. It doesn't mean to command your slave, but to feel his need of your commands. You could have the most egoistic and destruction willing sex at all,with enjoyment for both, as long as you know and accept the borders of your participant.


To me, it helped me a little bit to understand the whole thing by watching BDSM videos with Sandra Romain.

Hope this helps you a bit.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

Hmmmm. Very interesting, Rob. I like the way you describe it, and you help me to understand something of the dynamics involved.

Thanks also, Tom. Fascinating.

I'm trying to get as much real-life information about this as possible before I even consider an outline for this project, so the help is deeply appreciated. Mwah!

 

[midwestyankee]

I would second the idea to take a field trip over to the BDSM forum. We're fairly civil over there, in fact. Some of us even know how to use a comma and such.

While you're there, I'd recommend peeking into a couple threads in particular: BDSM: Questions and Answers (it's not being used much right now so I've bumped it for your convenience) and the marks of a slave (generally on page 1). The latter thread includes several good discussions of the Dom/sub dynamic.

 

[3113]

Can someone please explain to me in your own words, without a lot of labels and language I don't understand, what is appealing about S/M relationships, particularly the sexual aspects of it? I'm looking for male and female responses here because I want the full picture

You need to elaborate on what you're interested in learning. Are you talking about just pleasure/pain? Or are you talking about Dom/sub? The talk here has wandered into Dom/sub, but the truth is that there are those out there that enjoy pain without enjoying being submissive. And those who enjoy giving pain without Dominating. A person can be a masochist and give themselves pain to get those endorphins and adrenaline blasting, but that doesn't mean that they want to obey anyone. In fact, they could be issuing the commands: "Hurt me!" and the "sub" in the relationship does so to please them.

And a Sadist might want to hurt others without being in control of anything else in the relationship but that aspect of it--meaning, giving pain because seeing that arouses them.

So what exactly are you asking? Why one person wants to hurt and the other be hurt? Or do you want to understand the full-on, BDSM relationship of Dom/sub? Which doesn't have to involve giving/receiving pain at all. Some are into just commanding/obeying. There are a lot of different levels to such relationships. Including ones where the Masochist is in control until they're in the bedroom and then and only then do the roles switch. That's very different from a 24-7 M/s relationship (Master/slave) where the Master is always the Master and the slave always the slave.

 

[jomar]

Check out Different Loving

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'm probably stepping into the deep end with this question, but I'm willing to go ahead even though I'm not the best swimmer.

Can someone please explain to me in your own words, without a lot of labels and language I don't understand, what is appealing about S/M relationships, particularly the sexual aspects of it? I'm looking for male and female responses here because I want the full picture.

I admit that I'm a total blank slate here. I know nothing about it. I don't really want to try it, but I do want to potentially write about it, so I need to understand it. Any help would be appreciated.

Hmmm, on the receiving pain end, it doesn't always have to be sexual. Sure, I've had a sexual response to pain in the past, but it's often not until after it's over that I even realise that I'm now aroused as well.

It's generally a much more cathartic thing, at least it is for me. It's cleansing, it clears the slate, it overwhelms the senses to the point where you just can't worry about anything else. And then you fly. And then you cry all the stuff out.

Afterwards, other stuff just seems small fry.

That's appealing to me, because sometimes I just bottle things up that need to come out.

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

Hmmm, on the receiving pain end, it doesn't always have to be sexual. Sure, I've had a sexual response to pain in the past, but it's often not until after it's over that I even realise that I'm now aroused as well.

It's generally a much more cathartic thing, at least it is for me. It's cleansing, it clears the slate, it overwhelms the senses to the point where you just can't worry about anything else. And then you fly. And then you cry all the stuff out.

Afterwards, other stuff just seems small fry.

That's appealing to me, because sometimes I just bottle things up that need to come out.

Wow. Thanks for this, Lizzie. You really helped me out with this very personal statement. I need to hear this because it truly makes me understand the motivation aspect of the pain-pleasure continuum. I find it fascinating, not just as a writer, but as a human being.

I think it's an incredibly complex and rich area of human desire, arousal and psychology. I had a good friend once who was very much into the lifestyle, but I never got much from her about what motivated her. She was a submissive, and the only thing she ever told me was that she liked giving up control because she had to be in control in every other aspect of her life. In sex, she said, she wanted not to have to think or control.

Thanks to everyone else who has replied as well.

3113, you raise interesting questions.

 

[Verdad]

I'll send you a PM, LA.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

ROB dom? snort cackle guffaw ROB invented milk & water sissy!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan had hospital staff beat schizophrenics to help these people connect with something real...pain. My own thinking is sadists and masochists self medicate using pain to do it.

 

[LaRocha]

Psychiatrist Harry Stack Sullivan had hospital staff beat schizophrenics to help these people connect with something real...pain. My own thinking is sadists and masochists self medicate using pain to do it.

Sadists are pretty tough to find in the s/m lifestyle. When they actually exist in full form they go to jail or the hospital psych ward. The sadist's purpose is going beyond what the masochist is comfortable with. BDSM is more about masochism and doing just enough to satisfy the masochist. Sadists have to act in complete secrecy.

Masochism is Todestrieb-light, Beyond the Pleasure Principle. Pain and the need to experience it comes up in everyone's life once in a while. Treating a girl like dirt on Valentine's Day will be someone's sadistic/masochistic endeavor this weekend. The lonelier souls will just read a bunch of Loving Wives stories and get real angry in their self-righteous letters to the authors, right after they get off.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Sadists are pretty tough to find in the s/m lifestyle. When they actually exist in full form they go to jail or the hospital psych ward. The sadist's purpose is going beyond what the masochist is comfortable with. BDSM is more about masochism and doing just enough to satisfy the masochist. Sadists have to act in complete secrecy.

Masochism is Todestrieb-light, Beyond the Pleasure Principle. Pain and the need to experience it comes up in everyone's life once in a while. Treating a girl like dirt on Valentine's Day will be someone's sadistic/masochistic endeavor this weekend. The lonelier souls will just read a bunch of Loving Wives stories and get real angry in their self-righteous letters to the authors, right after they get off.

TRANSLATION: The folks on the BDSM board are phoneys. I KNEW THAT.

 

[3113]

She was a submissive, and the only thing she ever told me was that she liked giving up control because she had to be in control in every other aspect of her life. In sex, she said, she wanted not to have to think or control.

This is what I've often heard in combination with what Lizzie said. The Dom (sadist) is usually a person who may feel that life is too chaotic and unpredictable. This doesn't mean he has no control over his life so much that he needs to experience moments of total control. Moments when what he wills to happen, will happen. The energy of giving pain (if a sadist) or giving orders and being obeyed to the letter, of total power over the physical sensations experienced by the sub, as well as over their emotions and actions, is energizing, empowering certainly and in its way, relaxing. If the Dom says "do it!" it'll get done and done right.

As for subs, there is a mistaken belief that they can't be in control. But many are in positions of control and authority in their life and jobs. What subs are, I think (but can't say with authority) is very conscientious. They are too aware of what can go wrong. This means they often do a fantastic job when in charge, because they think things through and make sure their decisions are right; but this also means that decision making can be agonizing; highly stressful, and a job that doesn't allow them to ever lose control of themselves.

All this makes it a relief for them to not be in charge. To be told what to do, to have a single focus (please the Dom). Likewise, the build up to an almost orgasmic (and tension relieving) release, always involves being totally out of control. And that, like Lizzie said, is cathartic; to know they can't do anything but experience. To be forced, if you will, to cry and let it out.

The one thing subs will consistently say afterward is that they feel relaxed and relieved, floating and not thinking. Pain does release a cascade of endorphins.

 

[unregistered]

 

[LaRocha]

...

That said, it was her opinion that I and the few PYLs who she had seen professionally were not sadists but rather pleasures. I/We derive pleasure from the pleasure the pain inflicted gives our partners rather then from the infliction of the pain itself. In my mind that’s a pretty slim difference, but I’m good with it.

If the masochist/sub is experiencing primarily pleasure via the pain, I'd say you aren't inflicting pain at all. And most people experience pleasure through pleasuring their partner. The Dom's special pleasure is derived from acting as maestro for the scenario--which really isn't that different from the way most men have sex with women. It's just a matter of special decoration and ritual that makes it fetishistic/extra sexy for the participants. Normal copulation is often borderline painful, especially after multiple encounters in a day.

 

[Guest]

It is a mistake to view submissives as nonplayers, of course. They are not passive, or they shouldn't be. In fact, much of what is happening is done for them, not to them, and it is with their explicit delight.

Not all subs are into pain, some enjoy restraints or other pleasures, some just enjoy giving up control for awhile. It can be freeing and exhilarating, in that - roller coaster down the big hill whoosh - sort of way. It also takes an intelligent and skilled partner to be able to manage not just the physical aspects but the mental mind fuck.

Doms have to work pretty hard.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sadists are pretty tough to find in the s/m lifestyle. When they actually exist in full form they go to jail or the hospital psych ward. The sadist's purpose is going beyond what the masochist is comfortable with. BDSM is more about masochism and doing just enough to satisfy the masochist. Sadists have to act in complete secrecy.

Masochism is Todestrieb-light, Beyond the Pleasure Principle. Pain and the need to experience it comes up in everyone's life once in a while. Treating a girl like dirt on Valentine's Day will be someone's sadistic/masochistic endeavor this weekend. The lonelier souls will just read a bunch of Loving Wives stories and get real angry in their self-righteous letters to the authors, right after they get off.

You are parading a great deal of ignorance.

Once more.

 

[rgraham666]

That said, it was her opinion that I and the few PYLs who she had seen professionally were not sadists but rather pleasures. I/We derive pleasure from the pleasure the pain inflicted gives our partners rather then from the infliction of the pain itself. In my mind that’s a pretty slim difference, but I’m good with it.

That's pretty much my opinion on the matter of pain. I expressed it this way in one of my stories.

I don't care much for pain anyway. It's useful for discipline, arousing as a facet of my power, but of little interest to me in itself.

I do find the power quite arousing.

 

[LaRocha]

You are parading a great deal of ignorance.

Once more.

Isn't it convenient only responding to someone's points by simply stating, "This person is ignorant, has no education."? As opposed to stating why someone's wrong. Since this thread is about someone trying to get some information on S/M it's really fucking pointless of you to come here and not actually say anything.

Plus, you don't post stories here, so why not get on your bicycle.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Isn't it convenient only responding to someone's points by simply stating, "This person is ignorant, has no education."? As opposed to stating why someone's wrong. Since this thread is about someone trying to get some information on S/M it's really fucking pointless of you to come here and not actually say anything.

Plus, you don't post stories here, so why not get on your bicycle.

You seem to have plenty of education in something or another-- But along with several other subjects, you don't know shit about BDSM.

You don't need my corrections-- there is a whole world of information out there for you, if you want it. Go take a look. Learn something.