A Funny...........

[Wizard]

From an e-mail Of coarse...........


ZIPLOC BAGS = male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

COPIER = female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE = male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON = male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES = female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SUBWAY = male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS = female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER = male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL = female... Well, well, well. Betcha thought it would be male, but consider. . . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

 

[lillum]

I loved it! thanks I needed a giggle right now!

lillum

 

[Bachlum Chaam]

Thanks for that Wizard very good

 

[papillon24]

GOOD ONE .I LOVED IT

 

[Wizard]

It was cute...........

 

[SweetCherry]

REMOTE CONTROL = female... Well, well, well. Betcha thought it would be male, but consider. . . it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

I love this one.

 

[NemoAlia]

All right, I bet we can come with some new ones to add to the list.

Here are my paltry efforts:

WORDS: Male, 'cause women tend to use them in large numbers with very little thought.

REFRIGERATORS: Female, 'cause they blow hot air but stay cold on the inside.

Hm, I've definitely got to try to think of something that isn't misogynistic for my next batch.

 

[ammre]

FINE WINE/GRAPES: male, They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

HIGH HEELS: male, They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

 

[NemoAlia]

FINE WINE/GRAPES: male, They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Ha ha! True that.

 

[Wizard]

FINE WINE/GRAPES: male, They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

HIGH HEELS: male, They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

 

[NemoAlia]

Now just look what you started, Wizard-boy!

 

[Wizard]

<Ducking>

 

[SubChristy]

those were good im still giggling

 

[Wizard]

>BREAST VS. PENIS
>The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are
>there?"
>The father, surprised, answers,"Well, son, there are three kinds of
>breasts.
>In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
>In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
>bit.
>After fifty, they are like onions."
>"Onions?"
>"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
>This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said can I
>ask a personal question?
>The daughter asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are
>there?"
>The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and
>answers, "Well,
>daughter, a man goes through three phases In a man's twenties, a
>man's penis
>is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is
>like a
>birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
>Christmas tree "
>"A Christmas tree?"
>"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only

 

[Wizard]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: "May I see your driver's license?"

Driver: "I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI."

Officer: "May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?"

Driver: "It's not my car. I stole it."

Officer: "The car is stolen?"

Driver: "That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there."

Officer: "There's a gun in the glove box?!"

Driver: "Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk."

Officer: "There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?"

Driver: "Yes, sir."

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: "Sir, can I see your license?"

Driver: "Sure. Here it is." It was valid.

Captain: "Who's car is this?"

Driver: "It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card." The driver owned the car.

Captain: "Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?"

Driver: "Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it." Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: "Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it."

Driver: "No problem." Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

Driver: "Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!"

 

[Wizard]

The Queen of England was visiting one of Ameerica's top hospitals. During her tour of the floors, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh, my God!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful! What is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry, Your Majesty. This man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was performing oral sex on a patient.

"Oh, my God!" said the Queen. "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, Really good HMO."

 

[Wizard]

Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really, Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."

 

[Wizard]

I was with my wife and she was reading a magazine and she showed me a photograph of a fur coat. She said, "I'd like to have that."

So, I cut it out and gave it to her.

 

[Wizard]

A lady approached the pharmacist and asked for arsenic.

"Why do you want arsenic ?"

"Because I want to kill my adulterous husband." She replied.

"You can't come in here demanding arsenicto kill someone, it's against the law."

The woman produced a phot clearly showing her husband in a compromisingposition with the pharmacist's wife. He was shocked and handed her a bottle from under the counter.

"I'm sorry I didn't realise that you had a prescription."

 

[Wizard]

TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN

TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN
SEX!

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it
again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get
some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave
you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize
you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9
months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks
you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning
and groaning.

2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.

AND THE #1 REASON:

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go
next door.

 

[Wizard]

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said ! the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

 

[Wizard]

What a funny Picture..........