a ??? for sub's

[nekos]

sub's were you abused as a child ? had overly strick parents , molested or anything any thing traumatic happen when you were young ?

i have talked with allot of women that are into BDSM including a few good friend's that are allso sub's. a common theme among the sub's i have talked with was abuse at a young age. they all claimed at first they had a normal up bringing and no abuse ever occurred. but after a while of geting to know them and gaining there trust, being able to talk about things. i found that all of them had a story. some traumatic experience that a child should have never gone through.
they all had something in there past that you could link it back to. myself included. < i guess im a switch though but im not exactly into the BDSM scene >
im not saying all or even most sub's were raped, molested or abused, but it made me think about it.
it is a fact that things that happen in your childhood can and will have an effect on your sexual behavior later in life.

im not posting this to start a fight or to upset any one.
im kinda curious though ... if you honestly take a look at the things that happened in your life. can you trace being a submissive back to some thing or thing's that happened when you were young?

 

[willowthwisp]

sub's were you abused as a child ? had overly strick parents , molested or anything any thing traumatic happen when you were young ?

i have talked with allot of women that are into BDSM including a few good friend's that are allso sub's. a common theme among the sub's i have talked with was abuse at a young age. they all claimed at first they had a normal up bringing and no abuse ever occurred. but after a while of geting to know them and gaining there trust, being able to talk about things. i found that all of them had a story. some traumatic experience that a child should have never gone through.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are not really on an original thought here, though it may feel original to you. Many psychs like to explain submissive/masochistic behaviour as a response to some sort of disturbed childhood. Anything out of the 'square' needs 'explaining'. If you look hard enough you will find very few people actually DON'T have a story to tell. They say one in 6 children experience what a 'child should have never gone through'. Recently it has become one in 4. Scary, I know.

Don't confuse BDSM with abuse. True, some 'sub/slaves' out there are in the process of coming to terms with abuse, re living the experience in the hope that they will find some sort of resolution to their past. A sad situation. But BDSM is something very different to me. I get off on it. No one did it to me in my childhood, I KNOW. I CHOOSE to be here. Thats what these brain docters can't/wont understand. It is done with love, it CAN be done with love. ...sometimes out of pure, innocent lust!

Your friend may have a problem, they may choose to explore this lifestyle to solve it. Unfortunately outright abusers can see it as a perfect opportunity to meet their own needs. Should the two meet, I hate to think of the consequences. (fortunately many perpetrators are in their own denial and do not seek it outright)


Having said my piece, I am sure there are more wiser words to follow....but thankyou for the opportunity to respond.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

sub's were you abused as a child ? had overly strick parents , molested or anything any thing traumatic happen when you were young ?

<snip>

Sorry but No. Yes I'm submissive, but there is absolutely no abuse in my childhood. Guess I'm one of the lucky ones

 

[nekos]

Don't confuse BDSM with abuse. True, some 'sub/slaves' out there are in the process of coming to terms with abuse, re living the experience in the hope that they will find some sort of resolution to their past. A sad situation. But BDSM is something very different to me. I get off on it. No one did it to me in my childhood, I KNOW. I CHOOSE to be here. Thats what these brain docters can't/wont understand. It is done with love, it CAN be done with love. ...sometimes out of pure, innocent lust!

every thing you said there i agree with 100 %. i don't view or think BDSM is abuse in anyway either. as long as it's consensual.
but like i said every sub i have got to know or be friends with has had something in the past did happen to them. it's just makeing me currious and i kinda wonder if it might not be coincidence.
all i really have to base this question is my own experiance with a few friends and some people i have met online.

anyways thanks for the kind replys , i kinda thought i would get flamed off the lit boards for this question

 

[Desdemona]

Think about it this way. There are some authors who suggest that 1 out of every 3 women and 1 out of every 5 men suffered some sort of abuse as a child. That is a large percentage of the population. Next time you're in a room full of people look around and figure out how many there might have been abused. It's an eye opening exercise. I suspect if you ask on the GB how many non-kinksters have been abused, you'll find quite a few there also.

Personally, I don't find it surprising that alot of subs remember some form of abuse. I think if you ask around, there's also quite a few Dominants with this in their background as well. It's just a part of the total picture for many people.

 

[Netzach]

30/F/Dominant

Much shittier childhood from a family psychosis point of view than my Msub/31/submissive.

He just had really strong women in his family.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I can and have connected my masochistic leanings to the abuse I experienced earlier in life. I also know that my need for control also comes from those same things. I don't believe that every submissive/Switch/Dom/me has had that sort of background but I do think their are quite a few of us that make up the ranks.

JMHO

pet

ohh for the record 31/f/maso-switch

 

[Quint]

20/f/s (when did that start and why?) with no history of abuse. I may not like some aspects of my upbringing, but it was not abusive. What I pull from my childhood does play into my sexuality, as it does with all other aspects of my life--but that's a pretty broad range of experiences that I'd have to look at single-mindedly to come to a conclusion of "well duh, that's where it comes from."

My erotic enjoyment for pain and humiliation I can trace back as far as third grade, but it was a prank, not abuse, and certainly not habitual.

 

[emme]

Personally I never been abused and I have always been a little on the submissive side. ie. the teacher's pet, the perfectionist. I think I am what I am more because of my catholic upbringing; the subconcious guilt factor and also being taught to unselfishly serve those I love.

 

[bdsmToy]

I am sorta a switch male but I think my "submissiveness" comes from the fact that my family is very afluent, my father was a CEO of a large manufacturing company and allways had control over people, and I was never abused or had anything deeply troubling to me that happened as I was a child. Just think that since I have had a relativly good life on which I am in control (i.e. job situations, was never a "slave in retail or otehr industries) Also I just got sick of vanilla sex.

 

[dragonlace]

I am a f/sub and no abuse here. I actually had a great childhood, a pampered only child. I still have great family ties and we get along rather well. For me its always been a part of me even when i didn't know what it was. I always wanted to be tied and controlled, i even had rape fantasies at a younger age but i tended to think i was a freak, for wanting to be held down and made to do things. No one i knew ever had anything like that and until i found out about the lifestyle i thought there was something wrong with me. I guess i am just lucky to be well adjusted enough to figure out what i wanted and needed. And my family is supportive in my life and even though they don't understand they still accept it as a part of me.

 

[insatiableminx]

no and to say the two would even be connected seems so wrong. On my knees pleasing him is a rush in itself......its truly the reward. I did however grow up in a family where my mom never worked and women had their place in a relationship. But I have four other sisters and they are far from submissive.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

sub's were you abused as a child ? had overly strick parents , molested or anything any thing traumatic happen when you were young ?

i have talked with allot of women that are into BDSM including a few good friend's that are allso sub's. a common theme among the sub's i have talked with was abuse at a young age. they all claimed at first they had a normal up bringing and no abuse ever occurred. but after a while of geting to know them and gaining there trust, being able to talk about things. i found that all of them had a story. some traumatic experience that a child should have never gone through.
they all had something in there past that you could link it back to. myself included. < i guess im a switch though but im not exactly into the BDSM scene >
im not saying all or even most sub's were raped, molested or abused, but it made me think about it.
it is a fact that things that happen in your childhood can and will have an effect on your sexual behavior later in life.

im not posting this to start a fight or to upset any one.
im kinda curious though ... if you honestly take a look at the things that happened in your life. can you trace being a submissive back to some thing or thing's that happened when you were young?

emotional abuse but that's as far as it goes and i doubt that has anyting to do with being domm/sub

 

[sunfox]

I'm a sub, of the female persuasion.. and I have to say, I was, if anything, spoiled and pampered, like dragonlace. I'm the baby of the family, and my parents were very permissive, and never so much as spanked me.

They encouraged me in everything I wanted to do, and are still extremely close to me today. My submissive nature is just something I've always felt, but not due to any trauma in my past.

 

[landcruisergal]

36/f/submissive. No abuse history.-unless you consider enforced catholicism a form of abuse.But I became regularly sexually active quite young (13),Sometimes it wasnt consentual, mostly it was ( same partner, he was 18) Does that make it abuse? I dont consider it was.If I didnt want it I wouldnt have gone back for more, nor continued it for 4 years.
Also my father died when I was 8, no male siblings,my mother didnt remarry and remained celibate until she died, so deprivation of a familial male may have something to do with it.

 

[SierraMoon]

36/f/submissive

There was absolutely no abuse in my childhood. i come from a very loving family, whose Mother was the dominant force. My Father has always leaned on her to make sure things were done. Maybe that's why i'm closer to my Dad, because we have that in common.

 

[ownedsubgal]

imo...one does not "become" submissive. an event, another person, an epiphany, a pill, etc...cannot suddenly make you submissive. i believe it's an inborn personality/character trait, beyond our controls entirely. so no, i definitely do not feel that being abused can make one submissive. it is true that many submissives were indeed abused early in life. however something that many fail to understand or acknowledge, is the fact that those of a deep, consuming submissive nature are EXTREMELY vulnerable to abuse. the type that do not say no, do not fight back, that are always desperate to please, constantly doing for others, etc....such people are very attractive to many, especially to abusers or those capable of abuse. so it is only logical that many submissives have unfortunate experience with abuse at some time in their lives. i know for a fact that had i not been a submissive, my own childhood abuse would not have endured for so many years. i was not the only victim of his, but i was the only one he tortured for nearly a decade. that was not just bad luck...he knew i was an easy, safe target, and would forever be so. i know for a fact that many abusive incidents in my older life would never have happened were i not submissive. it is the very reason why i used to hate myself...i did not know the name for it then, but i hated that i was a submissive. i hated always being the one targeted for abuse. i hated always being hurt. i just wanted to be like everyone else...able to stand up for myself or even fight if necessary. that was before i saw what a beautiful thing it is to be born this way.

so yes, i think submissiveness and a history of abuse can be related...just not in the way most seem to think.

 

[sexymom]

owned, i want to slightly, respectfully disagree. I believe that we all have the full pallette of behavior traits- but for various reasons some "colors" become more prominent, and they eventually are the ones we use most of the time. Thus, we aren't made submissive, nor dominant, by events in our lives, but sometimes things happen to make us realize that this is where we fit in the grand scheme of things.

I think tolerance of abuse = submissiveness is the most common misconception about submission. This leads to the belief that submissiveness is a personality disorder brought about by childhood abuse, and thus is curable.

In my (humble) opinion, submissives tend to be less tolerant or vulnerable to abuse than many vanillas, because they understand the difference between dominance and abuse, and they know, or learn, how to react to the two. Maybe we aren't thinking of the same time frame, though- i can see that a child with submissive tendencies wouldn't understand the difference.

 

[ownedsubgal]

owned, i want to slightly, respectfully disagree. I believe that we all have the full pallette of behavior traits- but for various reasons some "colors" become more prominent, and they eventually are the ones we use most of the time. Thus, we aren't made submissive, nor dominant, by events in our lives, but sometimes things happen to make us realize that this is where we fit in the grand scheme of things.

I think tolerance of abuse = submissiveness is the most common misconception about submission. This leads to the belief that submissiveness is a personality disorder brought about by childhood abuse, and thus is curable.

In my (humble) opinion, submissives tend to be less tolerant or vulnerable to abuse than many vanillas, because they understand the difference between dominance and abuse, and they know, or learn, how to react to the two. Maybe we aren't thinking of the same time frame, though- i can see that a child with submissive tendencies wouldn't understand the difference.

sexymom...i hardly believe that submissiveness is a personality disorder, or a disorder of any kind. and as i said in my earlier post, i do not believe that submissiveness can be caused by abuse or anything else...it is simply there, an instinctive trait that came along with the brown eyes and curly hair.

i think perhaps we may have different ideas of what it is to be submissive....the sort of submissiveness i'm referring to, is not the type that can refuse someone, that can fight back, that can say, "i will NOT accept/tolerate this". the sort of submissive i'm referring to accepts, tolerates, submits, often against their will, because it is simply not in them to respond in any other way. whether they are 4 years old or 40. such a submissive is indeed far more vulnerable to abuse than the average person, a far more attractive target, and this i believe is the reason why there are so many submissives with a history of abuse, in childhood and as adults.

 

[Etoile]

I'm 23 (as of yesterday), female, and submissive. I was not abused as a child or at any other time.

OSG, I'm curious - how did your abuser finally stop abusing you? Did you ever report him?

 

[sexymom]

"the sort of submissive i'm referring to accepts, tolerates, submits, often against their will, because it is simply not in them to respond in any other way. whether they are 4 years old or 40."

LOL- this reminds me of the woman who was recently arrested for breast feeding a baby while driving on an interstate. When she was arrested she said she was told to do this by her husband, and so it wasn't her fault, it was his. Didn't work, though- and the bdsm community was horrified that some people might mistake her attitude for submissiveness. What you describe as submissive comes uncomfortably close to what is usually termed doormat in this community.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I am a female Dominant..never had a submissive moment in My life. I have an abusive history both sexual and emotional begining before My third Birthday.

 

[ownedsubgal]

"the sort of submissive i'm referring to accepts, tolerates, submits, often against their will, because it is simply not in them to respond in any other way. whether they are 4 years old or 40."

LOL- this reminds me of the woman who was recently arrested for breast feeding a baby while driving on an interstate. When she was arrested she said she was told to do this by her husband, and so it wasn't her fault, it was his. Didn't work, though- and the bdsm community was horrified that some people might mistake her attitude for submissiveness. What you describe as submissive comes uncomfortably close to what is usually termed doormat in this community.

you're right in that these days, in the current politically correct D/s climate, the sort of submissive i describe would be labelled doormat. that's why i had such a hard time finding myself when first discovering my submission and entering the lifestyle...i knew to the depths of my soul that i was a submissive, yet every book/article i read, most people i spoke to, called my sort of submission unhealthy, wrong, bad, being a doormat, etc. so no it's not a politically correct way to be. the proper submissive of today is supposed to be a strong, able to be independent if he/she wishes, take no crap kinda person, fully able to choose who they will and will not submit to. but that is one very specific type of submission, and leaves out those submissives like i describe, those like myself.


Etoile...it abruptly ended when i got my period at 12. i wasn't a little girl anymore, therefore no longer desirable to someone like him. the answer to your second question is no.

 

[Etoile]

Thank you for answering my questions, OSG. As always I appreciate talking with you.

As for political correctness and your style of submission not meshing with the BDSM community...fuck 'em. You are who you are, and you have found someone you are happy with, and he is happy with you. However you choose to love each other - or WHY - is nobody else's business as long as you are safe and happy.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Thank you for answering my questions, OSG. As always I appreciate talking with you.

As for political correctness and your style of submission not meshing with the BDSM community...fuck 'em. You are who you are, and you have found someone you are happy with, and he is happy with you. However you choose to love each other - or WHY - is nobody else's business as long as you are safe and happy.

well of course Etoile...as far as my own personal life, i could give less than a flock what others think. but i hate all the division within the D/s lifestyle, the judging and the namecalling (like "doormat"). it can seriously hurt newcomers, who don't fit the PC mold of D/s toda, and it just gives the lifestyle itself a bad name imo.