A Favor for Amicus?

[amicus]

I need some readers, voters and commentators on some of my stories.

Part is pure ego, surely self serving and without shame.

I have one chapter of a book, Billy that sits at a 4.44 rating while all the other chapters have that lovely red H alongside. I would be most appreciative for a read and a vote that might bump it up to a 4.50 or better.

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=122475

This is chapter 7 of Billy, 'Holly' it has 27 votes, 11883 reads and a 4.44 rating.

I also have another novel which I am about to publish that has several chapters with 8 or 9 votes and I would like to have them more widely read before I delete the stories prior to publication.

This is a non erotic story, although there is a little lovin' here and there. It is a native american saga taking place 10,000 years ago in Northwest america.

I just published a collection of short stories and was pleased to include in the back of the book wonderful comments on the stories provided by Literotica readers.

Should you find time and reason to offer commentary on any of these stories I would be pleased to include them in the promotion of the novel.

The Chief, Part one, Chapter 19, 1244 reads 8 votes 5.00
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=126806

The Chief, Part two, Chapter 1, 2250 reads 9 votes, 4.89
http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=129804

The Chief, Part two, Chapter 2, 1087 reads 8 votes, 4.88
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=130822

The Chief, Part two, Chapter 3, 1723 reads 8 votes, 4.88
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=130838

The Chief, Part two, Chapter 4, 992 reads 9 votes, 4.78
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=131768

The Chief, Part two, Chapter 7, 1409 reads 9 votes, 4.78
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=133146

The Chief, Part two, Chapter 10, 1040 reads, 8 votes, 4.75
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=135528


These stories have sat for months and months at 8 or 9 votes and it just bugs the hell out of me so I thought I would ask.

Aside from asking for comments, I really wanna see those lil red H's alongside the title before I delete the stories.

All ego, I know, sue me.

Many, many thanks

amicus

 

[gauchecritic]

Ok. You'll probably think I'm saying this on purpose with cruel intent mi amico, but that's not the case, there's not much point really.

Maybe there's not much point to this message or slight criticism either, because I couldn't read more than halfway down the first page.

Whether it's because I've started in the middle or whatever I simply back-clicked, because it didn't interest me. I cared not one whit about the characters or what would happen to either participant or the sister.

As a grabber the very first sentence is awkward and self-conscious.

Next paragraph: presenting a best face forward? as opposed to which direction?

Then Billy watching. First mention of a blind-fold (you did ask for this chapter to be seen first) by the second character. Then repeating almost exactly the first sentence of the paragraph in the second sentence but making it Billy looking, without giving it any of Billy's subjectivity.

I don't think this is going to help at all, because I haven't read any of the previous chapters to which you obviously refer in Billy's judgement of Holly's character compared to her sister (Molly? give me a break)

Ok Next sentence. You do give a Billy view of the first sentence, a quite contrary view of Holly's to do with outward appearance of inner feelings. But it would have been much better to include how he saw her composing herself too.

Perfect teeth. No thanks. TMI. And too Lit.

"She looked nervously around the room." Don't tell, show, especially when you've already told twice previously with exactly the same word.

Blushing. Not something even the most consumate actor can do and from the next revelations she is acting maybe she's blushing because she's trying to hide her real motive? Well you should explain that.

Ok. As her blush deepens then you point out (inadvertantly?) that she is acting by showing us that she pulls her knees together and letting her hands fall. This is acting because the last thing that people do, who are embarrassed is let their hands fall, leaving themselves naked to their interviewer.

"You've never had sex?" Asked Billy, with doubt in his voice.

The question mark makes the 'asked' redundant. 'with doubt in his voice' is tired and worn. A possible alternative would be:

"You've never had sex?" Doubt colouring his response.

"Well, I've fooled around etc"

"Why not?" Why not??? Is this guy as crass and obvious as I take him to be? Or am I just being Englishly reserved?

The elipses are getting a bit boring at this point too. Try 'whispering' or 'trailing off' instead of innumerable elipses.

Voices hissing in heads always make me think of the wicked witch of the west. And again with the redundant tag. Assuming that you are consistent with thoughts in italics there is very little need to tag them (in my view) Simply make sure that the following dialogue is obviously unaware and therefor belong to the previous person.

Why is Billy furious? Angered perhaps (I've only read from the beginning of this chapter remember) or slightly miffed but furious? Explanations would help.

I dropped out a few paragraphs after that. My thought being that if I forced myself to the end then the only vote you would get from me would be a possible 3, and then if I wasn't as distracted by my editors hat as I had been up to that point.

 

[Couture]

Welfare? Oh Amicus, how could you?

 

[gauchecritic]

Had to look. Went as far as half the page in the first two on your list Mi amico.

 

[Guest]

 

[Couture]

.

 

[amicus]

A special thank you to someone who did not leave a comment but brought little Holly up to a 4.46 Thank you!

amicus

 

[Pure]

ami,
if you're reaching your intended audience, i don't see revising over a tenth of a point. i've seen far too many fine stories below 4.5; and not-exceptional ones, above (i.e., hot). remember that when literotica proposed its own anthology, it did not choose according to those ratings.

 

[amicus]

Pure...I understand...

I tried to make it clear that I really don't care about the rating or the voting or the comments on my stories. It was just a little ego thing about having one chapter out of 13 not carrying the little red H.

and for the other novel, perhaps you have had a story sit with high ratings and 8 or 9 votes for months and felt the same frustration. I will be deleting the stories soon, so either way, it is of little importance.

It is always nice to get good feedback and have a high rated story, but I do not depend upon others to judge my work. It is what it is, take it or leave it.

regards...amicus...

 

[amicus]

Well, poor lil Holly went back down to a 4.40...sighs, alas alack, woe is me she shall never attain the coveted red H.

Well... I gave her a shot at it...


amicus...

 

[cloudy]

Well, poor lil Holly went back down to a 4.40...sighs, alas alack, woe is me she shall never attain the coveted red H.

Well... I gave her a shot at it...


amicus...

look again.....

 

[amicus]

Back to 4.42 Thank you Cloudy...

 

[Pure]

Just a note, ami,
I like many others, am impatient. I note that there's lots of padding. There are about 440 words at the beginning, up to (and including) the line "I didn't date much, or even go out" preparing for Holly's forced sex story, which is of some interest.

However, after the forced sex story, and beginning with "Did you try to find out what happened to Becky?" there are about 600 words of padding again, before the story picks up, with the undressing.

I know the stage has to be set, and so on. But this is Ch 7., so that's not a great excuse.

You may check with others, but my opinion is that you could reduce these two portions by at least a half, and suffer no loss; in fact, improve the story. Reduce to the things *absolutely* necessary for other parts of the story. Also you may summarize: "And the chit-chat continued."

 

[amicus]

Thank you Pure, for the suggestions.

I have not revisited the story since it was posted about a year ago. This was a difficult chapter and from other suggestions, it seems the other 'voices' were a distraction and did not work for the story.

It seems an edit and a rewrite might be in order.

Appreciate your comments...


amicus...

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Hey, if you really want that H, then good luck. I gave you a 5. What the hell.

I didn't read the whole thing though. I thought it was way too talky and I started skimming pretty quickly.

I also didn't understand where the hell they were. He's sitting behind a one-way mirror or something? It wasn't clear at all.

I also went and had a look at chapter one of "The Chief", which I was expecting to be some put-down of American Indians, based on some of the opinions you had expressed here on the board earlier. It wasn't (as far as I could tell), but it was bewildering at the start. I had no idea of what was going on, and I had to check to see whether maybe I had clicked on Part 2 or 3 by mistake. I think you could have started it a little more slowly and given us time to get a feel for who was whom. Whenever you're dealing with an exotic setting like this, it's always good to take things slowly at first, in my opinion.

So there, Amicus, I've given you the benefit of the doubt. I wish now you could return the favor by not insisting that all of us who disagree with you are communist revolutionaries bent on grinding the USA into the mud. What do you say?

---dr.M.

 

[amicus]

Thank you Dr. Mabeuse....after reading your posts concerning 'Buckyballs and Nanotubes' and being totally impressed with your knowledge and expertise, education and culture, I shall certainly make all attempts to temper my outbursts.

Thank you again.

regards...

amicus

 

[amicus]

I am pleased to announce that Lil Holly has achieved the coveted red H and that all chapters of Billy are now in the red. Thank you!

The Chief, my non erotic novel is another story, but, thank you anyway, all the best for the New Year to all...


amicus...

 

[landslider]

You can't take the ratings, much less the Hs, seriously.

Stories which are barely literate are routinely given high ratings.