pabloback
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2001
- Posts
- 8,255
A man brought a very limp dog into the vets. As he> lay the dog on the
table the doctor pulled out his stethoscope.>
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What??" screamed the man . "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion"
With that the vet turned and left the room. IN a few moments, he
returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark"
The vet then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat. The cat also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said "Meow". He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The vet handed the man a bill for 600. The dogs owner went ballistic! "
600! just to tell me my dog is dead?? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head and sadly explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been 50, but with the Lab work and Cat scan......."
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside him.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard, instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the mostgorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks onto his eyes, and says, "I will be speaking, debunking some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry,"
she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE TUBE (no kidding, they're real):
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if Icare, I'm going home."
Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may
have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.
Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close..."Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."
While a bloke was at the bar was sipping on a double
Martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The
bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the
man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she
answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm
pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting
his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and
for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" "I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came along and shot him.
The moral of the story is: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth
shut.
Madonna, Rod Stewart and Elton John are out for an
evening stroll. Whilst walking past the local school,
Madonna trips up and falls, wedging her head firmly
between the school railings. Rod Stewart, not being
one to miss an opportunity decides he isn't going to
miss this one and, unzipping his tartan pants takes
Madonna from behind. Giving it plenty, Rod turns to Elton and says
'Do you fancy a go on this when I'm finished?'
'I'd love to....' replied Elton..... 'but I don't
think I can get my head through the railings!!!'.>
_________________________________________________________________
table the doctor pulled out his stethoscope.>
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
"What??" screamed the man . "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion"
With that the vet turned and left the room. IN a few moments, he
returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark"
The vet then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat. The cat also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said "Meow". He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room. The vet handed the man a bill for 600. The dogs owner went ballistic! "
600! just to tell me my dog is dead?? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head and sadly explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been 50, but with the Lab work and Cat scan......."
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside him.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So, where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard, instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the mostgorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks onto his eyes, and says, "I will be speaking, debunking some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average." "Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry,"
she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM THE TUBE (no kidding, they're real):
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
"At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if Icare, I'm going home."
Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the train."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may
have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.
Let me start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the doors." The doors close..."Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."
While a bloke was at the bar was sipping on a double
Martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The
bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the
man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she
answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm
pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting
his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and
for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" "I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter
came along and shot him.
The moral of the story is: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth
shut.
Madonna, Rod Stewart and Elton John are out for an
evening stroll. Whilst walking past the local school,
Madonna trips up and falls, wedging her head firmly
between the school railings. Rod Stewart, not being
one to miss an opportunity decides he isn't going to
miss this one and, unzipping his tartan pants takes
Madonna from behind. Giving it plenty, Rod turns to Elton and says
'Do you fancy a go on this when I'm finished?'
'I'd love to....' replied Elton..... 'but I don't
think I can get my head through the railings!!!'.>
_________________________________________________________________
