A Doctor'sDream - Feedback?

inkyscandal

Distracted
Joined
Jan 21, 2009
Posts
14
Hi all,

Glad to see my first two submissions (ever) have both so far received little red "H" symbols. The thing is, I want more feedback! :)

Here are two chapters of "A Doctor's Dream" which tells the story of a lucky doctor (male) who gets very intimate with his young female patient. It starts out pretty fetishistic, but by Chapter 2 he's the one being seduced...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=403473

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=403474

Any guidance and feedback (positive or negative, really), will be carefully digested and absorbed. Here are some of my main questions:
1. Am I using too much detail (does it ruin the pacing or take the fun out of reading these)?
2. Are my two characters developed enough to keep you interested?
3. Is the action believable? If not, which parts are over-the-top?
4. The big one: Should I try to work on Chapter 3? Most of it is already in my head... but getting it written and polished would be a huge commitment of time (of which I have almost none). If what you have read in Ch1 & Ch2 seems run-of-the-mill ordinary fluff to you (my audience) then obviously I won't make it a priority. :)

Thanks in advance for reading my story. Don't be shy with the feedback.
 
Last edited:
I think that the length of the chapters is a bit intimidating *laugh*

Give me a bit to make sure that my hot water heater is working right, now that the pipes have unfrozen, and I'll see about giving you a read.
 
I'm impressed. I thought it was pretty unrealistic at the beginning and didn't care for the present tense, but you managed to pull it off. I do think Dark is right, in that those chapters are pretty long. Not sure where else you could make a good break though. Not sure how you did it, but you compelled me to keep reading, when I almost back clicked on the first page.
 
I've only read part one thus far.

"Apparently she cannot respond. She is transfixed by the length of the rod I'm dangling above her lubricated mouth."
I love the way this kind of wording is used, suggesting something, well, quite different!

I think in the beginning you get too indepth and too technical in the description of the tools and how they are used. As others have said, it is a very long work!

Once past the beginning first page or two, the story really flows a lot more smoothly. I think these sorts of things should always happen at a doctor's office! :devil:
 
So, I've thought about this a little more. I really didn't like either of your characters. They have no depth. The girl is incredibly naive, which I find hard to believe for a 20-year-old, especially one as good looking as she is supposed to be. The doctor seems like a real weirdo. You never give his reasons for doing what he does, which I understand you may do in upcoming chapters. Still, there's something disturbing about the whole thing (yeah, I get that some people would be turned on by that), which ordinarily would have caused me to back click.

Still, I kept reading. Not sure why. :confused:

So, I'm thinking with the present tense and the unbelievable characters, I might, under normal circumstances, have back clicked. But I didn't.

Hmmmm...
 
Thanks for the comments so far. I agree these are long chapters. They took me way too long to write and edit too. :) The pacing/tempo suffers for sake of too much detail I think. I will work on improving that balance next time.

As for the present tense: I am sorry if it rubbed some the wrong way. My intention was to immerse the reader in the whole first-person POV thing, which also helps to also explain my emphasis (perhaps over-emphasis) on visual details. I wanted the reader to BE the Doctor, or at least be inside his head, riding shotgun. It would have been much easier to write in the past tense, but I think it would have lost some of its suspense.

I find it interesting that several people thought the first pages were the worst. I actually agree... as frustrating as that is to admit, since I worked/reworked that opening WAY too many times. Perhaps the early drafts would have been better.

A couple of more subtle things I did, which I wonder if anyone noticed.... 1) despite all the visual details, I never reveal the color of Jessica's hair. Nor the Doctor's name. My intent in withholding those specifics was to allow a broader audience (i.e. by not grating on anyone's preconceived associations with a particular hair color or first-person name). 2) the brief aside in Ch 1 discussing the Doctor's role as a "screener" provides the thinnest pretext for what he's doing, with the intent that this could be fleshed out later rather than making Ch 1 even longer. 3) the action ebbs and flows... building tension to several false-summits before the final climax of each chapter (the idea was to tease the reader along; not giving up all the cookies at first request). Did any of those three ideas work for you?

For those who found Ch1 too creepy, Ch 2 is more straightforward. Ch 3 will be even moreso if I ever get around to it.

Thanks of reading and for the comments. It really helps!
 
Back
Top