a couple of my poems i wrote for my mother......

[sexylilbiter91]

A mother cries for her childs lost mind
As blood pours
A child smiles
Two different people
Each with different needs
But who share an un-breakable bond
Mother and daughter
Who can't see eye to eye
The cutting makes
The mother yell
The yelling makes
The daughter cut



give me your reviews......

 

[sexylilbiter91]

Your daughter

An ungrateful child desperately in need.
A tortured soul the one whom
You cant turn away from
No matter the hurt.
For the love you feel is great
And the need to nurture is there pushing you on.
There to prove your words "I'm here."
A love that can never fade nor end.
There since my first breath
There when i wanted it to be my last breath.
There every time i cried
Even when i didn't want you to be.
Pushing me forward, never holding me back.
Wanting me to be my best.
A daughters love will never fade.
I love you mom.

 

[sexylilbiter91]

Through Your Childrens Eyes

A beautiful person doubting her worth.
Gentle caring eyes
Brimmed in tears.
A hopeful heart
Bruised and hurt.
How can you look at me
And say how beautiful i am and that i am just like you
Yet not see your own beauty and your own worth?
How can you look at your children
A soldier standing tall
A young woman fixing her life.
And ask yourself where did i go wrong?
How can you look back at everything in your past
That you have made it through
And ever doubt your strength?
You can not see your worth,
So whenever you are in doubt
Look into the eyes of your children.

 

[sexylilbiter91]

bump!!

 

[WickedEve]

a couple of my poems i wrote for my mother......


give me your reviews......

Have you shown them to your Mother? What was her reaction? If they are for her, then I'd only be concerned about whether or not she liked them. If you want to share these poems with other readers, then they do some work -- quite a bit.

Here's a start:

Poetry Writing Tips
Show, don’t tell
Do more with less
Start with basics – not rhyme
Match sound with meaning
Use rhythm & line breaks
Compare with similes and metaphors
Create vivid imagery
Be specific
Use memory
Exploit the senses

Poetry Starting From Scratch by Michael A. Carey

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Poems written for a specific reader are always hard to critique. Eve's advise is good advise, I'd add read, read, read other poets.

 

[sexylilbiter91]

not for her

i dream of u in her arms
did u know i loved you?
i told you everyday
did u know i cried for you?
i just hid it away
i showed you i cared
when ever you were down
i was there to pick up the pieces
she turned you away
you ran back to me
i told you we'd always be friends
i don't wanna be your friend anymore
when ever you fought i was there to make it right
i warmed your lonely nights
told you everything would be alright
i gave you everything i had
i just couldn't keep you here
did u know i listened to you when there were no words?
I saw the tears when there were smile
i felt the pain of each and every good bye
did you know i loved you?
each and every day
when ever you were down
i picked up the pieces of you.....
when she tore your world apart
i was there to give u a shoulder to cry on

 

[SweetOblivion]

Good Advice

Eve and Tristesse - I'll listen and seek to learn, even if some appear a little more reluctant to follow your sensible guidance.

It is so easy to be seduced by raw emotion or a casual rhyme/thought, when a careful play expanding an idea in the ways Eve suggests would work wonders.

M

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

i dream of u in her arms
did u know i loved you?
i told you everyday
did u know i cried for you?
i just hid it away
i showed you i cared
when ever you were down
i was there to pick up the pieces
she turned you away
you ran back to me
i told you we'd always be friends
i don't wanna be your friend anymore
when ever you fought i was there to make it right
i warmed your lonely nights
told you everything would be alright
i gave you everything I had
i just couldn't keep you here
did u know i listened to you when there were no words?
I saw the tears when there were smile
i felt the pain of each and every good bye
did you know i loved you?
each and every day
when ever you were down
i picked up the pieces of you.....
when she tore your world apart
i was there to give u a shoulder to cry on

I dream of you in her arms
did you know I loved you?
I told you everyday
did you know I cried for you?
I just hid it away
I showed you I cared
when ever you were down
I was there to pick up the pieces
she turned you away
you ran back to me
I told you we'd always be friends
I don't wanna be your friend anymore
when ever you fought I was there to make it right
I warmed your lonely nights
told you everything would be alright
I gave you everythingIi had
I just couldn't keep you here
did youu know I listened to you when there were no words?
I saw the tears when there were smile
I felt the pain of each and every good bye
did you know I loved you?
each and every day
when ever you were down
I picked up the pieces of you.....
when she tore your world apart
I was there to give you a shoulder to cry on.

Don't be afraid to use words. I could see no purpose to the inconsistent "i" and "u", there are far too many "i"s and diminishing the size doesn't help. As the reader I got bored rather quickly as your poem is really just a list of cliched complaints. You need to draw your audience in and hold them.
I commend you for showing your poems, keep writing - AND reading poetry.

 

[annaswirls]

Welcome!

Here is a brand spankin' new thread designed to get and give feedback on poems.

I am going to post one soon as I figure out which one is ready to be picked upon. If you select the one you would like feedback on most, I will certainly take the time to look it over.

Hope to see you there!

AS