A 1? It can't be THAT bad.

[Rusher]

I just posted a new story, "The Long Walk". It's bad enough that only 2 people have read it, but one of them gave it a 1. I can only hope that person was confused and thought that 1 was the best and not the worst.

Could someone take a look at the story and give me some feedback?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=10770

[Edited by Rusher on 03-17-2001 at 05:05 PM]

 

[rachel_dawn]

I don't know why someone gave your story a 1. I thought it was interesting. I also liked that you didn't automatically have the characters start fucking, I think that you introduced the story and characters rather well. I think that the way you described the female character was very nice, however I don't know how to explain why.

 

[Rusher]

Thanks for the feedback. I think I'll just cling to the fantasy that someone was confused, or their finger slipped when they were trying to give it a 5. Yeah, that's it...it was all just a mistake...I feel better already.

 

[PAUL C]

'1' votes

Don't worry about them. We all get them on this and other sites.

It might be a mistake but normally it is somebody who likes to spoil others enjoyment and probably gets off on people's reaction to his actions. A third reason could be tactical voting in an attempt to promote one story above another.

Just ignore them They aren't worth losing any sleep over. There are much better things to lose sleep over.

 

[PAUL C]

Oh. One other thing. It is possible a thousand people have read your story, it's just that only two voted.

 

[SensitiveSuccubus]

Rusher:

I put my finger on it. It isn't a bad story, but it *is* a great introduction to a story. It's funny and inventive, but it isn't complete. If you could keep that voice through a creative rendevous, or even develop reasons why things don't happen once he's gone inside, it would be appealing. In its current form its abrupt and delivers very little. It doesn't have to be wham-bam-here's-my-ham, but it needs something more.

If there's more to it, it doesn't deserve a '1'.

 

[Rusher]

Thanks for the feedback, SS. Maybe I'll write a chapter 2, and get on with the show.

 

[Katerina Val-Kyrie]

Rusher, I read your story and liked it. Actually, the ending was quite cute. I could imagine your character, very clearly in my minds eye. I think however, you can go farther with this story. Tell us what happens once he is inside. Furthermore, share with us more about the contents of the basket. What do they end up using during their romantic interlude and just what do they end up doing? I wanna know more. Do you have a chapter two in the works?
Keep on writing...you're doing fine...

Hugs KitKat

 

[SensitiveSuccubus]

I agree with Kat, what's in the basket, etc?

I liked what I saw, timing can just ruin a segment of story. I blew it myself when I stopped my 'The Women's Club' where I did without identifying Walter's captors. I wanted to show what he was up against, then deliver the final threatening line. By not doing that, I left that chapter hanging, and the title doesn't implicate a part two, thus *flop* See what you think...

Keep it up

 

[Whispersecret]

Rusher, no, it's not that bad at all. It didn't thrill me, but I certainly wouldn't give it a 1. I have a feeling your low-voters were expecting SEX ACTS and when you didn't deliver, they retaliated.

Here are my thoughts in no particular order:

1. You used the word intermittent/ly two times in as many paragraphs. "intermittently clicking on and off the map light" and "cold and intermittent rain." No biggie, but I noticed it.

2. This is personal, but I dislike reading stories in the present tense. It always reads a little awkward to me.

3. There is a part where you end a paragraph with, "I am now only blocks away." Then you start the next paragraph, "At last I drive up in front of her house." This seemed strange to me. Seems unnecessary to even have that in there. This is going to sound condescending, but...often beginning writers think they need to include every little action in their story. For example, instead of saying, "She got ready for work," they'll go into how she puts on her slippers and robe, brushes her teeth, takes a shower, puts on her deodorant, etc.

4. "For desert" should be "dessert." A desert is an arid ecosystem. <winks>

5. "After a thousand years, I hear the locks turning." I loved this sentence. It really got across to me the anguish he feels in that moment.

6. "housecoat" Maybe it's just me, but I picture a housecoat as a frumpy garment with which one wears curlers and scruffy slippers. I'd have chosen "pegnoir" (sp?)or "dressing gown," something with a little sexier connotation.

7. When she says, "Is that for me too?" I was a tad confused. Then, when I finished the story, I understood. That little surprise was cute, but something needed to be done to it to give it the punch it deserves. Maybe a little surprised expression on her face. Maybe her gaze needs to wander downward before she asks her question. Maybe after she asks, he can grin devilishly. I don't know.

8. The title doesn't really fit for me. Unless you're referring to the walk from the car to her front door. Then it's sort of funny. I won't say more because I don't want to ruin the story. If that's what you wanted to refer to, then you need to make it a little more apparent in that ending and actually use the phrase, "a long walk."

9. Again, I agree with what others have said. This is a good beginning. To me, it seems obvious that there is more to this story. Readers are going to want to know if they hit it off. If they're like me, they're going to want a happy ending. (I always want a happy ending! I'm a romantic.)

10. Kat wanted to know what was in the basket. Did I read a revised version of the story? What I read stated clearly what was in the basket.

I hope this was helpful. Keep writing.

 

[Katerina Val-Kyrie]

Just to clarify, I wanted to know more about the contents...I understand what the contents were. I was just hinting that it would be nice to write more of the story, sharing with us which ones were used in their romantic interlude.

Hugs Kat

 

[BlueSwede]

your story

I think you have a pretty good grasp (pun intended) of prose style. My only comment is that this strikes me as a good setup to a story that hasn't been fully written. Its the tease without the payoff. Let the guy go in to the house and get busy.

 

[Rusher]

Thanks everyone for your replies. It seems I have some unfinished business with the story.