9·July·2006 · "hidden in my locker all year" · annaswirls

[WickedEve]

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out of the auditorium
a few minutes early
so we could avoid seeing the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but still they caught us
holding our Stayfree sample bag
and sketched diagrams:
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

locker shut I could barely even
look at my homeroom teacher,
who for the first time
appeared to me naked,
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

betrayed, bewildered,
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake.​

 

[BooMerengue]

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out of the auditorium
a few minutes early
so we could avoid seeing the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but still they caught us
holding our Stayfree sample bag
and sketched diagrams:
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

locker shut I could barely even
look at my homeroom teacher,
who for the first time
appeared to me naked,
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

betrayed, bewildered,
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake.​

I really like this, Anna. It started out light hearted. All us girls remember those painful days! But it turned dark real quick. I'm wondering if I should ask you to make whatever happened a bit clearer or leave it as is. It sure had an eerie effect on me.

Thanks! Good poem!

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out of (the auditorium)
a few minutes early
so we could avoid seeing the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but still they caught us
holding our Stayfree sample bag
and sketched diagrams:
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

locker shut I could barely even
look at my homeroom teacher,
who for the first time
appeared to me naked,
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

betrayed, bewildered,
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake.​

Like Boo ( ) I like this very much but I see it as The End Of Innocence. Only you, Anna, could give such a brilliantly vicious slant to Sex Ed.

My only suggestion is bracketed to tighten the openig verse.

 

[RapeMask]

i think this is a pretty good poem and i think it mostly nails what you are after. if i wondered about anything, it was the lines 'vagina filled with...' and 'uterus filled with...' i wondered whether or not 'filled' was a bit stronger than it needed to be. maybe to use something like 'inside' or something more imaginitive than either of these wordsl, or maybe im just looking too hard to change it as i reckon it is mostly as good as it can be. the 'stayfree bag' is a good touch

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

i think this is a pretty good poem and i think it mostly nails what you are after. if i wondered about anything, it was the lines 'vagina filled with...' and 'uterus filled with...' i wondered whether or not 'filled' was a bit stronger than it needed to be. maybe to use something like 'inside' or something more imaginitive than either of these wordsl, or maybe im just looking too hard to change it as i reckon it is mostly as good as it can be. the 'stayfree bag' is a good touch

How about "holding" instead of "filled with"? But I do think a strong word fits here - it's not supposed to be a soothing poem IMO.

 

[Tzara]

Hi, Anna. Sorry about the delay in responding to this, but I wanted to think about it for a while.

I think this is fundamentally a strong poem, but is missing a little something. I'll try to say what (or more accurately where) I think the problem is, but please take that as mere comment. We have very different styles in writing.

The subject is wonderful. One of those defining moments in someone's life. I certainly remember this event, though I was one of the ones in the gym rather than the auditorium. (Actually, I don't think we got any talk at all. It was in sixth grade and they just sent the boys out to recess. We probably played football.) What this most reminds me of is some of your other "epiphanic" poems, in particular your "Pink Gown" poem and "Nothing Like It." Both of those worked around very vivid and concrete images, which is what made those poems memorable to me (the woman talking about the calcium deposits in the waiting room in the first one and the narrator washing the dildo in the sink in the second). While this poem certainly has some very strong images, they are abstract (the last two strophes). For me the central image should be the central strophe ("Greg and Todd and Jimmy too. . .") and I don't think this is vivid enough to set up the anguish and the strangeness of the reaction/image in the last two strophes. It isn't bad, but it is a little too generic--faceless boys teasing. Not concrete enough to work.

Just my thought on this, though.

Some other comments:

• Punctuation. Minimal, which doesn't bother me, but then why is there a period on the end?

• I really like the lines "vagina filled with penis / uterus filled with fetus". They have a sing-song quality that works to reinforce the image and the youth of the narrator. I think "filled" is perfect.

• I would suggest dropping the word "even" from the line "locker shut I could barely even" as that exposes "barely" as the line end, which presages "naked" a couple lines farther on. (Hmmm. Exposes? Perhaps a poorly chosen verb. )

All in all, I strong poem, I think.

Thanks for posting it.

 

[RapeMask]

what i thought was that the effect had already been accomplished
anyway: the whole 'still they caught us with our stayfree bags' was for me where the effect was. it doesnt need to be laboured with bold sexual imagery. im still not sure of myself though and i only think she should pay any attention to me if she herself had any issue with this prior to going public. i just think that something more telling rather than forceful might make the stanza more effective in that it allows the first part of the stanza more life without clogging it with competetive and i think inferior imagery.

i like something in the way of 'holding'

How about "holding" instead of "filled with"? But I do think a strong word fits here - it's not supposed to be a soothing poem IMO.

 

[HotKittySpank]

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out of the auditorium
a few minutes early
so we could avoid seeing the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but still they caught us
holding our Stayfree sample bag
and sketched diagrams:
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

locker shut I could barely even
look at my homeroom teacher,
who for the first time
appeared to me naked,
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

betrayed, bewildered,
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake.​

Let me preface that I often miss the deaper meaning
ok - I liked this one as well but have confusion with the few lines at the end.

"erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late"
(very nice but don't understand the meaning here - perhaps I'm dense)

and

"but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake. "
(mistake in the auditorium? mistake in being female? again my density- sorry)

loved this:
"and sketched diagrams:
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus"

the imagery is very nice - perhaps you could call it 'Locker Stalkers' ?

 

[RapeMask]

i like both the bleeding bit and the penis like a road sign bit because they are slightly vague and probably open to a lot of suggestions. my feeling about the penis like a roadsign is that the talk came too late, that already there was some sort of history between her and adult men that maybe she was unaware of before the talk

the mistake is vague again, but id say that it suggested that all the women were too busy with their own strictly female wounds and bound up in the condition of their sex to measure maybe the lateness of the talk or measure the mistakes made in the way male-female relationships are controlled.

that i think is what is going on there.

the title she has i reckon is a-ok - as a result of this realisation, she hides herself away in the same way the bag is hidden away.

looks like im well out-voted with 'filled' though.

Let me preface that I often miss the deaper meaning
ok - I liked this one as well but have confusion with the few lines at the end.

"erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late"
(very nice but don't understand the meaning here - perhaps I'm dense)

and

"but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake. "
(mistake in the auditorium? mistake in being female? again my density- sorry)

loved this:
"and sketched diagrams:
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus"

the imagery is very nice - perhaps you could call it 'Locker Stalkers' ?

 

[clutching_calliope]

.....

 

[annaswirls]

my apologies for not thanking you for your helpful comments until now.... I posted in the middle of moving and the poetry challenge partly to force myself to not react to specific comments with emotion. coming back now, I am able to really look at suggestions etc critically, and am almost ready to tackle this bear yeah, I am a slow edit

y'all are too kind and generous to take the time to read, reflect, and respond to my writing...

humbly yours,
Miss Anna

 

[annaswirls]

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out early
so we could avoid the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but they caught us anyway
holding our Stayfree sample bags
and cartoon illustrations of
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

and how could I look at my homeroom teacher now
who for the first time appeared naked
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

bewildered
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake


(note: still working on the scene at the locker to find a way to give it more impact-- you are right, it should be the focus, I have to do some meditation on the event, see if I can remember or more likely reinvent what mattered....)

 

[RapeMask]

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out early
so we could avoid the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but they caught us anyway
holding our Stayfree sample bags
and cartoon illustrations of
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

and how could I look at my homeroom teacher now
who for the first time appeared naked
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

bewildered
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake


(note: still working on the scene at the locker to find a way to give it more impact-- you are right, it should be the focus, I have to do some meditation on the event, see if I can remember or more likely reinvent what mattered....)

if you care what i think, i dont think you should touch stanza 4. its way better in the first draft and aside that, theres nothing wrong with it in the first draft. if you do prefer the edit, maybe you should incorporate stanza 3 and 4 as 4 now feels like a continuation of what you have going on in 3? 'locker shut' however in the original marks a violent change and seems to better explode the 'epiphany' plus it gives the last 2 stanzas their own individual life. i think the end is better where the homeroom teacher and the mistake explode onto the scene with the slammed door and the metaphorical imprisonment in the locker. the fact that the title of the poem blends with this explosion too gives the last bit more force.

 

[average gina]

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out early
so we could avoid the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but they caught us anyway
holding our Stayfree sample bags
and cartoon illustrations of
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

and how could I look at my homeroom teacher now
who for the first time appeared naked
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

bewildered
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake

Yes, I have the audacity to even say something critical about it. I'm kinda thinking that you named the bullies, but did not name the teachers. I would think that naming names would not necessarily define them more than adult role models, but the reader who can define the bullies should be able to define who the teachers are. And it doesn't have to be more than one female teacher to give a sort of symbolism.

Just my nickle, but personalizing it by defining me and my at teased us at our lockers. Teasing is a personal thing; a group is not normally attacked (this coming from an only child who was a loner in school, so what do I know).

I went from one school that just did the sex ed thing to another school who spurned it.

Good stuff, though. It was simple and I pictured all of it.

 

[twelveoone]

• Punctuation. Minimal, which doesn't bother me, but then why is there a period on the end?

[:

Tzara, if there ever was a poem that cried for a period at the end of it....

 

[Tzara]

Tzara, if there ever was a poem that cried for a period at the end of it....

There I am, again. The butt of the clever person's jokes.

Y'know, Eve did this to me already. Now you. I'm feeling picked upon for my sometimes bumpkin-like speech.

 

[twelveoone]

There I am, again. The butt of the clever person's jokes.

Y'know, Eve did this to me already. Now you. I'm feeling picked upon for my sometimes bumpkin-like speech.

Really wasn't a joke. Sorry. You are the best. Take care.

 

[Tzara]

Really wasn't a joke. Sorry. You are the best. Take care.

Now see? MET was wrong. You really do have a .

 

[twelveoone]

Tzara, if there ever was a poem that cried for a period at the end of it....

this bothered me, the reference was menstral(punctuation as...) nothing else

 

[Tzara]

this bothered me, the reference was menstral(punctuation as...) nothing else

It was?

Oh. I thought you were now being nice. Now I feel particularly dumb.

 

[Never]

For me, none of the suggestions so far have made the poem better. In fact, between the original poem and the edited version, I like the original more.

Which is probably not anything that anyone wants to hear.

 

[annaswirls]

For me, none of the suggestions so far have made the poem better. In fact, between the original poem and the edited version, I like the original more.

Which is probably not anything that anyone wants to hear.

I want to hear it

Not to say I did not think the suggestions were good ones, but I do want your opinion too

 

[Never]

That wasn't constructive criticism though, was it?

Your original poem was good. It's not an experience that I shared or can truly empathize with but it gave me a clear look through another's eyes, which is better than either of those.

I'm interpreting the poem as a story about a school sex-ed talk used to highlight a young girl's entrance into womanhood and the anxiety she feels over her changing body, place in society, and the newfound sexual awareness.

"they let us out of the auditorium
a few minutes early
so we could avoid seeing the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym"

This is the set up for the action that follows. I'm already seeing commentary on the divided nature of the sexes - girls go to the auditorium, boys go to the gym - society's view of gender - boys are named while girls are not - and society's view on sex - it's naughty or nasty and so we use a euphemistic "the talk" when we reference it.

In your edited version:
they let us out early
so we could avoid the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

I like the slimming down to three lines but now the reader is hovering in limbo until the end of the first stanza. In your original, I know immediately that this is happening in a school. More importantly, you're echoing the us/boys with auditorium/gym; the gender divide moves us into different physical locations as well as social spheres (the auditorium is a place where the audience passively sits and listens while the gym is where one is active and physical.)

Edited version:
but they caught us anyway
holding our Stayfree sample bags
and cartoon illustrations of
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Nice. In the first stanza, we have a euphemistic "talk" which softens the reader up for the blunt 'vagina filled with penis.'

"Caught us" gives a subtle, underlying predatory aspect to the interaction between the girls and boys. I don't know if that's supposed to be a statement about the interaction between men and women in general or more a highlighting of how threatened the narrator feels at this point. I in your edited version you've hidden the strongest part of that line behind 'anyway'. I would change the line to "but they still caught us" or "still, they caught us."

Likewise, you've ended the third line with an 'of.' This softens the line. Ending a line with a preposition is a pet peeve of mine so I you might want a second opinion.

Both versions:
Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

I would snip the 'too' at the end of the first line as, again, I think it softens the line. It also suggests, to me, that there's something different about Jimmy.

Having read the entire poem, the boys come off as still being children. The narrator is caught in the clutches of puberty while the teachers are adults but the boys are still playing cops and robbers. I don't know if that's an accurate reading but if it is, you might want to play with the boy's names to emphasize that childishness. Either rearranging "Jimmy and Greg and Todd too" or putting in new names "Billy and Tommy and Jimmy too."

Okay, I have to go but I'll tell you my thoughts on the last stanzas later. Thank you for reading and please understand my opinions are just that; I'm not pretending to have a better grasp of the poem than you do.

 

[bogusbrig]

It's dificult to follow Never's critique so I'll keep it short to what really bothers me. Maybe it is just me but the line Greg and Todd and Jimmy too just stops me in my tracks, it's too sing-songy and feels like one of those teenage coming of age films where they go for your juggler with sentimentality. I would think it would be much better with something more anonymous like a group of boys (I know that doesn't work but you know what I mean). The reader is never going to know who the personalities are behind these names.

I really enjoyed the poem though and I think it is very strong.


Aah. I've just realised which film was in my head, a British film called Rita, Sue and Bob Too.

 

[neonflux]

Thank you

I love this poem. The imagery is memorable. As others have said, the work perfectly evokes those "school sex talks" and the difficult path of becoming a sexually realized person. The second version is tighter. Question- why do you agree that the locker scene should be the defining image?

As a sexuality educator, the lines "vagina filled with penis, uterus filled with fetus" struck a strong chord and described the ridiculous nature of much of what passes for sex ed, not only given too late but providing simple facts at an age when most of us are struggling with and need guidance to answer much more difficult questions. For this reason, what most resonated with me were the last two stanzas. They speak so clearly to adults' abbrogation of their responsibilities for providing guidance in this area.

Making the language more spare in the stanza about the male teacher would strenghten it, make it even more "pointed," pun intended, LOL. Doing so would also join it more clearly with the last stanza by better mirroring the rhythms of the same. Perhaps something along the lines of "and how could I look at my homeroom teacher, who now appeared naked." (Definitely only one suggestion - I am not presuming to actually rewrite for you.) Regarding the last line of this stanza, "It's too late," I preferred it not written in italics. I enjoyed the subtlety of the first version better here - made the point but didn't hit you over the head with it quite as much...

It's a wonderful poem. I hope that you not only submit this to Lit but for print publication...

~Neon (a recent Lit returnee)

hidden in my locker all year

they let us out early
so we could avoid the boys
who got their "talk" in the gym

but they caught us anyway
holding our Stayfree sample bags
and cartoon illustrations of
vagina filled with penis
uterus filled with fetus

Greg and Todd and Jimmy too
teased us at our lockers
come on what you got in there
training bra? tampons?

and how could I look at my homeroom teacher now
who for the first time appeared naked
erect penis pointing like a road sign saying
it's too late

bewildered
I looked for the female teachers
but they were too busy bleeding
to tell us that there had been a horrible mistake


(note: still working on the scene at the locker to find a way to give it more impact-- you are right, it should be the focus, I have to do some meditation on the event, see if I can remember or more likely reinvent what mattered....)