82 'Reasons' to be gay.

[theoneadd2]

Saw this on a joke site and thought it was funny. There were 100 but the site only had 82 of the 100. They said some of them weren't funny.

1. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.

2. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.

3. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.

4. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.

5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.

6. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.****

7. You really have "been there, done that"

8. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends... And that means everything.****

9. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous"

10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.****

11. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.****

12. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.

13. You understand why God invented spandex.

14. You understand why God didn't intend everyone to wear it.****

15. You know how to get back at just about everyone... And have.****

16. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.

17. You only wear polyester when you mean to.

18. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.****

19. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.

20. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.****

21. You've always got an opinion.****

22. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.

23. You know how to dress strategically.****

24. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.****

25. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.

26. You know that sex complicates things. So?****

27. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.****

28. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.****

29. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.****

30. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.****

31. You have at least one movie musical on video.****

32. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.

33. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.

34. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.****

35. You know how to make an entrance.

36. You know when to make an exit.****

37. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.

38. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.

39. You know how to program your VCR.****

40. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.

41. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.

42. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.

43. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.

44. You know when to play dumb.****

45. You know what to do for a hangover.****

46. Yes, you do have a condom.****

47. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.

48. Tanning salons were invented for you.

49. You've made sunbathing a performance art.

50. You know when the party's over.****

51. You know where to go after the party's over.****

52. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.

53. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.****

54. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.****

55. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.****

56. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".****

57. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.****

58. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.****

59. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.****

60. You've left someone totally speechless.****

61. You've shaved something other than your face.****

62. All your friends do not have to "get along".

63. You have large collection of anniversary pictures... They may be with different guys, however.

64. Your love handles are actually used as such.****

65. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.****

66. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.****

67. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.****

68. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.****

69. You know your enemies.****

70. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man... And he's right there in the shower.****

71. Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.

72. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.

73. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.****

74. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.****

75. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.****

76. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.****

77. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.****

78. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.****

79. You have a carefully selected swear-word vocabulary.****

80. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.

81. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.**** (beers)

82. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread... Sometimes after the party too.****

(The **** mean that it's true for me)

 

[Regis2001]

Ooh...

Sharp. Very sharp.

 

[Raimondin]

Hilarious!...as well as FABulous!....Hope U find the other 18!

 

[theoneadd2]

I got it I got it

Here are all 100 of them:
1. You truly don't care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you don't know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didn't intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a party's decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you can't stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. You're good pals with women other people can't stand.
23. You've always got an opinion.
24. You've read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. You're the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. You've got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a "cheap slut" isn't actually an insult.
32. There's a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed...unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. You're not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. You're embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you don't even know - like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. You've got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. You've called someone "girlfriend" who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You don't give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. You've made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the party's over.
59. You know where to go after the party's over.
60. You're fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear "a stitch in time saves nine" you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your "roommate."
64. You know that referring to someone as "a real lady" isn't necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear it's a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear it's a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like "Stand by your man".
69. You've been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. You'll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and it's usually a nasty one.
73. You've left someone totally speechless.
74. You've shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to "get along".
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. You've got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. You've got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it ain't in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life you've envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And he's right there in the shower.
86 You're Barbra Streisand's biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisand's biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life - sometimes you've added side dishes.
89. You know that "small talk" can be about spirituality or politics, and "important issues" can be about hair.
90. You've actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supreme's song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if you're in Kansas, you're not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.

 

[soliloquy48]

Man I need gay lessons. haha

 

[Raimondin]

Yes, if anything we *Do* need in our lives is more humor.

 

[CJontherocks]

That's how I knew I was bi... only half of those apply to me!

 

[John Doe]

That's how I knew I was bi... only half of those apply to me!

dammit, beat me to it.

 

[Etoile]

Now here's a challenge: can we come up with a dykey version?

 

[CJontherocks]

Now here's a challenge: can we come up with a dykey version?

82 Reasons to be a dyke...

1. Etoile
2. Etoile
3. Etoile

... I think you see where I'm going with this.

 

[wild175133]

Now here's a challenge: can we come up with a dykey
version?

ok here it goes:

1. you think rosie o'donnel is sexy

2. home depot is your favorite store

3. you could bench press more weight than any member of the offensive line at your high shcool

4. your female and you can't stand gay men

5. your female and plaid is your favorite color

here is my contribution let's see if any one else can come up with some

 

[Etoile]

82 Reasons to be a dyke...

1. Etoile
2. Etoile
3. Etoile

... I think you see where I'm going with this.

Ha! That is NOT actually what I was thinking of, but I definitely appreciate it!

 

[Etoile]

1. you think rosie o'donnel is sexy

Not bad! Except for this one. Because she is just SO not my type.

 

[Pookie]

Now here's a challenge: can we come up with a dykey version?

I found this ...

51 Reasons Why I'm a Lesbian ~ Jennefer Davis

1. I can step into the shower without having to rinse out all the hair after a man's been there.
2. Jane will never look at me blankly and ask, "What's wrong?"
3. Jane and I share the remote control
4. No one knows a woman's body better than another woman
5. There's never a wet spot to sleep in. (Lesbians are fastidious and use towels)
6. The house is blessedly void of loud belching and farting noises.
7. Jane knows all the answers for important questions such as; "How do these leather pants look on me?" and "Does this strap-on make me look fat?"
8. I'm not the only one who does the laundry, cooking, shopping, dusting, vacuuming, walking the dog, cleaning the windows, taking out the garbage….
9. Jane sends me flowers for every birthday and anniversary
10. Jane sends me flowers for no reason in particular
11. I can have a conversation with another lesbian without her eyes drifting to my chest… okay, scratch that one.
12. I can have an intelligent conversation with another lesbian about things other than hockey and cars… like the benefits of wearing leather while riding a Harley.
13. Women will stop and ask for directions without thinking it's a blow to their "womanhood".
14. When I ask Jane to fix the window or change a light bulb, it gets done within the next half hour, and doesn't involve a two hour trip to Home Depot and a $300 charge to the Visa.
15. Jane will never make disparaging remarks or otherwise embarrass me in public.
16. There's nothing creepy about being checked out by another woman.
17. Women always smell good
18. You won't get razor burn kissing another woman
19. Women never forget important dates
20. Jane doesn't fall asleep on me after sex (unless we both want to fall asleep)
21. Jane is genuinely interested about how my flowers look in the garden
22. I never have to pick up Jane's underwear from beside the laundry basket
23. Jane sends me love notes
24. Jane doesn't parent from the couch
25. There are never loud obnoxious guys hanging around the house drinking beer and scratching their balls, talking way too loudly about the Leafs losing the Stanley Cup.
26. Jane looks incredibly sexy in jockey shorts
27. Jane will watch chick flicks with me without complaining
28. Women are amazing listeners
29. Women are compassionate
30. Jane doesn't become obnoxious when she drinks too much
31. Men like to talk about gross things while you're eating (I'll spare you the details)
32. Jane loves chocolate as much as I do, and would never utter, "Do you think you've had enough?"
33. Men think it's funny to tease you about your weight or hair or clothes or what you're saying.
34. Women realize that to tease another woman relentlessly is simply asking to be put to immediate death.
35. Women don't make fun of puppies or kittens or other baby animals
36. There's someone to stay up with into the wee hours, talking about everything under the moon
37. No one has ever cared for me the way Jane does
38. No man has ever made me feel what a woman can make me feel
39. A woman's body is beautiful to look at
40. There are never beer cans lying around the house
41. My children have two positive, empowering role models in their lives
42. Women are not inherently aggressive
43. Women are not colour blind
44. Women are capable of decorating a room without it looking like the gang from Sesame Street helped out.
45. We know the difference between a top and bottom sheet
46. Gay & Lesbian people know the difference between a top and bottom
47. We have our own cool lingo
48. No guys I know can orgasm with a pen
49. Think about all the fantastic conversations you have with your girlfriends. Imagine that 24/7.
50. When something bad happens and I'm upset, Jane will console me, regardless of her feelings on the subject.
51. Women love with all their heart and soul.

 

[Etoile]

That's great Pookie, thanks for finding it! The only one I disagree with is #6...my wife and I belch and fart at each other all the time! Yeah, we're pigs. http://www.amanita.net/images/smilies/pinkpig.gif

 

[John Doe]

Yeah, the gay list was funny, but the lesbian list is just man-bashing. At least a third of the things on there aren't even stereotypically true.

 

[CJontherocks]

Yeah, the gay list was funny, but the lesbian list is just man-bashing. At least a third of the things on there aren't even stereotypically true.

Dude... half those (closet) cocksuckers need to be bashed anyway. Wake 'em (not em) up!

-- P

 

[John Doe]

Dude... half those (closet) cocksuckers need to be bashed anyway. Wake 'em (not em) up!

-- P

Yeah you wish, sadist.

 

[CJontherocks]

Just feeling a little down on me tonight.

 

[John Doe]

Just feeling a little down on me tonight.

Oh, well that's unfortunate. Maybe you should have a nice, quiet night with yourself. y'know, light some candles, a litle champagne, see if you can make yourself feel better.

Well, unless you have a headache.

 

[Etoile]

Yeah, the gay list was funny, but the lesbian list is just man-bashing. At least a third of the things on there aren't even stereotypically true.

Hey now, I thought both lists were funny. And I'm not even bisexual!

I love your new title, by the way. Marc Okrand used to be a buddy of mine back in the BBS days.

 

[John Doe]

Hey now, I thought both lists were funny. And I'm not even bisexual!

Well, perhpas I did not express myself well. Yes, I thought the lesbian one was funny too, to an extent. I don't have an objection to bashing groups, as long as it's done in certain ways.

While I wouldn't say the list was malicious or even sexist or chauvinist (at least not a lot), I think it was a little excessive with the negative things. that is, comparing women and men in such a way as to give the impression that one thing is better than the other, instead of just different.

I love your new title, by the way. Marc Okrand used to be a buddy of mine back in the BBS days.

SoH Qot!

 

[CJontherocks]

Okay, I'm all better now. Sorry for the downer.

Back on the banana chorus line!

 

[Raimondin]

Well, all this is very amusing. So far it all sounds like nor more than just the 'good 'ol battle of the bi-sexes. I'm gay, but what's supposed to be 'funny' can suddenly become or turn 'bashing' (?)...Where's our sense of humor?...I think both lists are very funny even though the space between them is as wide as the Grand Canyon, that's what makes it all the more interesting...

"A Cock is a Dick is a Prick is a Clit is a Tit....."

 

[John Doe]

Well, all this is very amusing. So far it all sounds like nor more than just the 'good 'ol battle of the bi-sexes. I'm gay, but what's supposed to be 'funny' can suddenly become or turn 'bashing' (?)...Where's our sense of humor?...I think both lists are very funny even though the space between them is as wide as the Grand Canyon, that's what makes it all the more interesting...

"A Cock is a Dick is a Prick is a Clit is a Tit....."

Like, I said, bashing can be funny, in moderation and in certain ways.

Or if it's done Simpsons style, where you make fun of everyone in the most exaggerated, extreme way you can think of and still have it allowed on broadcast television...

Or something.