.

[RedPanties]

.

 

[RedPanties]

.....

 

[RedPanties]

.....

 

[driphoney]

Are you wanting someone to look over this before you submit it to the story file?

ETA: Oops. Sorry. Spoke before I started in. Yep, looks like that's what you're hoping for. Good luck and happy writing.

I like to read some BDSM, but I can't give any valuable feedback. I'm sure someone will come along.

 

[driphoney]

Oh, forgive me if I've gone about this the wrong way - I was just looking for some feedback since its still a work in progress, and my very first story.

Was I supposed to do something else with it?

I updated my comment while you were posting. Sure, someone will probably come along and give you some feedback. I'd recommend finishing it, then finding an editor or proofreader who understands the BDSM cat to go over it. Those readers, I'm told, expect certain things that a general reader/writer might or might not pick up on.

Good luck.

 

[Spamasutra]

Let me preface this comment with - I am not an editor. I think it might be interesting to start the story off right in the midst of the encounter and flash back to answer the question "what have I gotten myself into"

 

[achingyearning]

Thats all I have for now. I'm pretty proud of my first offering, but I would love to hear your thoughts. If I think anyone actually likes it, I'll keep adding.

Is it too long? I totally get off on long narratives, but that doesn't mean anyone else does - lol.

PLEASE continue... it is not only a wonderfully detailed and erotic story... but it also allows the reader a hint about some secretive place that exists perhaps deep within your core... or perhaps at some real-life events that foreshadowed these "fantasy" activities

I can almost hear you moaning... and I am imagining how wet you were when you finished typing it all out

 

[slowrimmer]

Makes me want to try out a SRP now...

Based on this, that should be fun to watch . . . . .

 

[musicfan2009]

Love this story, hope you will continue it.

 

[slowrimmer]

I didn't take you as the kind of guy who liked to just watch....

Well, sometimes.
Watching has its place.
Watching someone when they're bound for example, wondering whats going through their mind. Watching for little signs of arousal . . .

 

[RedPanties]

Well, sometimes.
Watching has its place.
Watching someone when they're bound for example, wondering whats going through their mind. Watching for little signs of arousal . . .

Ah... I see. Well that sounds a little like more of what I would expect from you

 

[slowrimmer]

Ah... I see. Well that sounds a little like more of what I would expect from you

Ohhh surely I can't be so easy to pigeonhole

 

[RedPanties]

Ohhh surely I can't be so easy to pigeonhole

Of course not - you just seem the time to be more engaged, in some form or another. Certainly not passive.

 

[slowrimmer]

Of course not - you just seem the type to be more engaged, in some form or another. Certainly not passive.

Touché

Well my mind is never passive, actions, mmmm, well that depends on time, place and . . . .

I don't think your mind is passive either.
I'd pick it to be filled with fantasies, heavy with wet, unpsoken thoughts and needs . . .


.

 

[cajun764]

Wow , I really am enjoying your story, please continue, I can feel the excitement there!!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Red, came to this late but my two cents anyway.

You have a habit of switching between past and present tense which is off-putting. I think Spamasutra makes a very good suggestion of starting in the action and dribbling out the backstory as the evening progresses. Also gives you the chance to question 'her' emotions and get the tenses under control.

I was going to get arrogant and critique the content, until I realized that SRP was only 'Strategic Reference Point' or 'Submarine Recovery Program' to me so I'll adopt Drip's humility. What is an SRP?

I realize your good story only works in first person but I think you use it as third person. Take this for example'

At that point, he takes a silky scarf from the table beside the bed and blindfolds me. I have never been so aroused in all of my life, nor have I been so frightened. I have nudged boyfriends in the past to be rough with me, to be dominant in bed, but never gotten anywhere. This man clearly is well versed in this kind of sexual power.

I feel a fingertip running down my cheek and brushing past my lips as though shushing my thoughts. The hand gently travels past my chin and neck and down my breastbone. I feel my nipples tightening as the fingers gently glide around the fullness of my breasts. They make gentle circles around my nipples before gently tweaking each one. Oh God, I think to myself. This man is going to make me cum and he hasn't even gotten past my belly button yet.

'You' are talking to us rather than talking in 'your' head, telling us a list of events. You should use 'your' senses more to convey the excitement and fear; e.g.:

" I watch as he takes a silky scarf from the table beside the bed and shiver as I lose the power of sight as he blindfolds me. I have never been so aroused in all of my life, nor so frightened. Even when I've pushed former boyfriends they were never prepared to be rough with me. Amongst the excitement I am really now feeling fear. This man clearly is well versed in this kind of sexual power."

We are now inside the head of the girl which is where we as voyeurs want to be.

"The fingertip running down my cheek is scalding hot and then it brushes past my lips as though shushing my thoughts.

The hand gently travels past my chin and neck and down my breastbone. My nipples tighten as the fingers gently glide around the fullness of my breasts sending electric impulses throughout my body. His fingers make gentle circles around my nipples before gently tweaking each one. Oh God, this man is going to make me cum and he hasn't even gotten past my belly button yet."

To play first person well you have to live inside the head of your character - sort of stream of consciousness. For me, a little more character development would have helped differentiate your story from many others. How she learned to trust this man she was hoping to fulfill her fantasies - "As I rang the bell I remembered my first encounter with Simon, no, Sir, the dark haired handsome man who . . . "

I think you've got a good story here but it needs a bit of fleshing out and more personalizing. Good first start.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Red, your story was pretty good, don't bin it just work on it. The edit process is the worst part about writing.

BTW I've just worked it out - Sexual Role Playing - whee hee.