7-21-2002 nclive2001

[KillerMuffin]

After reading some of the tips from expert writers on other's stories, waiting to submit my second post until I get some feedback from the first. Therefore, I am submitting my first story to the alter for your feedback. A Loving Wives Story "Online First Meeting."

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=44159

I tried to keep the story short and on point and I have noticed some grammatical errors I would have (should have) corrected prior to submission.

1: Is it too short?

2: Although this is a true story, does the first person narrative work?

3: Is the character development sufficient?

4: Though I tried to downplay race, does it matter if it is revealed in the story?


Eager to learn so please don't hesitate to teach.

nclive2001

I think this is a good story to learn from. Whether we see this person again, dunno.

Anyway!

We have a two part story. The first part is almost completely descriptive narrative (backstory) and the second part actually has dialogue and action (story).

The question from the Muffster, and there is only one:

8. How could he have merged his backstory into the story to make a better read? Why do you think this?

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Since the old Rumple's Foreskin is still a tad battered and bruised, I'll take first crack at nclive's effort beginning with his questions.

1: Is it too short? NO

2: Although this is a true story, does the first person narrative work? KINDA. HOWEVER, IMHO, THERE WAS WAY TOO MUCH USE OF THE FIRST PERSON SINGULAR FORM OF "I".

3: Is the character development sufficient? NOT REALLY. THERE WAS NO EXPLAINATION WHY THIS ONCE SHY FEMALE BODY BUILDER (JUDGING FROM HER DESCRIPTION) SUDDENLY DECIDED TO BECOME A SLUT-FOR-A-DAY.

4: Though I tried to downplay race, does it matter if it is revealed in the story? THAT'S A TOUGH CALL. FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, IT WAS EASY TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE WAS BLACK, BUT THERE WAS NO CLEAR IMAGE OF HER RACE. MY THOUGHT WOULD BE TO EITHER MAKE BOTH CLEAR OR NOT MENTION IT AT ALL.

--

The question from the Muffster, and there is only one:

8. How could he have merged his backstory into the story to make a better read? Why do you think this?

RF: The story could have been opened with Robin and Denny in the car going to the hotel. Using his thoughts, flashbacks or both, he could tell the reader about what lead to this enviable situation in between the foreplay that goes on during the trip, when they arrive, and even while going to their room.

IMHO, this would do a better job of "hooking" the reader and have kept the story "on point." As is, the opening seems to be about how he learned to use on-line chat to seduce married women, while the story itself is about having sex with Robin.

--

nclive,

The only other thing I want to add is a subject near and dear to my heart-paragraph breaks. (My last post had them totally screwed-up due to some technical glitch.)

It's a basic rule of writing that everytime a different character speaks, there MUST be a new paragraph. Readers expect this convention to be followed and get very restless when it's not.

The following paragraph may have been the worst offender.

"When she was soaking wet, I opened her legs wide apart, then I put two in, and then three. "I want you wide open when you take this dick, so let me get you ready," as bunched my fingers and went for four. She took all four fingers all the way inside and I let my thumb intermittently message her clit with my tongue. "Are you ready for this?" I asked. 'Ohh... ummmm hell yeah baby, I want all of you. ' I eased her legs down over my shoulders as I grabbed my dick which was throbbing with every beat of my heart and guided it to her wet gleaming pussy. I let the head of my cock rest there putting constant but gentle pressure at her opening. 'Please Denny be gentle, I never had a dick this big before. ' Her lubrication and foreplay made my entering her easy as the head popped inside."

IMHO, while there could be some variation, this is how it might look with conventional paragraph breaks.

"When she was soaking wet, I opened her legs wide apart, then I put two in, and then three. "I want you wide open when you take this dick, so let me get you ready," as bunched my fingers and went for four.

"She took all four fingers all the way inside and I let my thumb intermittently message her clit with my tongue. "Are you ready for this?" I asked.

"'Ohh... ummmm hell yeah baby, I want all of you. '

"I eased her legs down over my shoulders as I grabbed my dick which was throbbing with every beat of my heart and guided it to her wet gleaming pussy. I let the head of my cock rest there putting constant but gentle pressure at her opening.

"'Please Denny be gentle, I never had a dick this big before. '

"Her lubrication and foreplay made my entering her easy as the head popped inside."

One last thought about paragraphs; IMHO, many of yours are way too long. Shorter is usually better, especially it the story will be read on a computer.

Hope some of this helps,

Rumple Foreskin

 

[ronde]

Here's my take on "Online First Meeting"

This is a nicely told tale with lots of vivid images, and getting the reader to visualize the story is one of an author's primary tasks. It also is believable, and believability is one of my barometers of success. I liked the detail of his choice of hotel location, and the fact that she used public transportation for the meeting. Many authors would not have thought of this, or would have just started the story in the hotel room.

Is it too long? - No, the story sets up the scene and characters, plays out the action, and has an ending that I like. I didn't really need to know so much about his on-line activities before starting to chat with Robin. Perhaps you wanted to portray Denny as one who would flaunt his conquests, and if so, the extra narration does a good job at this. I didn't like Denny, because his views of women and mine don't coincide. That's a reflection on how well you got his character across, and should be taken as a compliment.

Does first person work? - Yes, and I think this was pretty well done. I felt I was inside Denny's head through the story.

Character development - As I stated before, Denny comes through to me well enough that I don't like him, and that's actually refreshing. A lot of authors leave me feeling noncommittal about a character, and if I don't care about him, he might as well not be there.

I would like to know a lot more about Robin. I understand what she looks like, and that she has a healthy sexual appetite, but why would any secure woman with a home and children risk all that for one afternoon with some guy she met on the internet? Robin is anxious that her husband will find out about her chatting and become jealous. What does she think he would do if he knew of her liaison with Denny? Ask the same question about yourself, and think about the answer. It would have made her a more interesting character to develop her reasons, and I doubt the promise of one isolated encounter in a hotel would be the prime motivator. Most 40 year old women are past the point of wild, carefree flings.

Does the revalation of race matter? - It would only matter if it had relevance to the story, and I didn't find any overt references other than skin color. I assumed that Denny is black, but I couldn't really tell if either she was black, hispanic, or just really well tanned. Other than help create my mental picture of each, the mention of skin color didn't do anything positive or negative.

On the subject of combining the backstory and the story proper - I read this story three times trying to decide if the first part is really a story in it's own right, or if you were trying to depict Denny as I saw him. The multiple references later in the story to her wedding ring made me believe it was character development. If it was intended to be character development, it's a lot of writing, but does the job admirably. It could have been integrated into the story in several ways:

When Denny sees her in the parking lot, he could relate their initial meeting, subsequent chats and cyber-sex, and the setting for this meeting.

On the flight to her location, he could be thinking about the initial meeting, etc.

Parts of the backstory are really character descriptions, and these could have been effectively done by Denny narrating his thoughts when he sees her in real life. The descriptions could also have been sprinkled through the drive to the hotel, and during the first part of the liaison.

A few other comments that are not major, but do disrupt the reading for me.

Watch for words that should be plural:

"She had ample sized breast..." (I don't think the word "breasts" appears in this story, so maybe it was intentional)

"while her eyes was planted... "

"My favorite was invitations to the..." (I think this is technically correct, but it reads funny to me. I would have probably have said "was an invitation" or "favorites were invitations"

RF has already mentioned restructuring some of the paragraphs

A couple of places seem to be a bit wordy:

"and skin that glistened so that it gave her skin a shiny appearance. " Glistened and shiny are the same thing, and the double usage of the word "skin" makes the sentence read funny

"We had agreed to meet at a predetermined location at about 10:00 AM that morning. The location was a strip mall near her home ..." Maybe this would be more concise if written -

We had agreed to meet at a strip mall near her home at 10:00 that morning.

Depending on your intended audience, you might want to change your dialogue a bit. It's just an opinion, but I don't think real people say some of the things your characters say. Some readers will not care and others will like it, so make your own decision.

The important thing here is that the errors are just a few technical things that are easily corrected, and if you let the story sit for a week or so before you proof it, you will find them. If you try to make a final proof immediately after writing as story, the wording is so fresh in your mind that you will read right over errors without realizing it. You have the ability to tell a tale and hold my attention, and that is a difficult skill acquire unless the talent already exists.

 

[Street0]

My most prized feature is my manhood, a full 9 inches when fully erect, thick, well veined and responsive.

Ix-nay on easurements-may.

She explained that she could spend most of the day with me because she had set her kids up with a relative and her husband would be working all that day.

"All that day" doesn't really work. I'd say "all day" or "till nightfall".

'Please Denny be gentle, I never had a dick this big before. '

Do people actually say that?

4: Though I tried to downplay race, does it matter if it is revealed in the story?

I'd definetly wouldn't refer to her skin as brown. "Tanned" or "tan" would work better if you have to be specific. Alternatively, you could mention her ethnic background in the exposition (Moroccan, Italian, Iraqi, Indian, etc.) if the skin colour's genetic.

 

[Bunnygirlblonde]

Ok, lets start with the questions first.

1. Is it too short?

No, I don't think so. It is a good length for a read. I did think that the actual sex scene was a little short.

2. Does the first person narrative work?

Yes. Although the narrator refers to himself a little to often, it really gives the point of view the the author was trying to convey. I think that "I" was slightly over used.

3. Is the character development sufficient?

Denny was well developed. I really got the feeling that he was a true "player". He is the kind of man that mom warned me about: self centered, egotistical, sterotypical, male.

Robin however, seemed a little vague to me. At first she seemed like she would be shy, and a little coy, when the first met, however, that was the opposite. She was forward, and a little slutty. Was she trying to over compensate for the fact that she was married and cheating on her husband?

4. Race...Does it matter if it is revealed in the story.

Not really, but if you are going to reveal it, then do so. The references made about it were, at best, vague and veiled. I personally would rather have it in black and white, or not at all.

As far as the back story?

Like some of the reviews before mine, I think maybe it could have been integrated into the car ride, or as flash back while he was chatting with her.

There was some punctuation in there that really turned me off of the story. It...seemed...like...every time...Robin...spoke...there were the...three "pips". Goodness Sake.

All in all it was a decent story, but it definately needs some work.(and if anybody knows about needing work its me. LOL) But it didn't really get my juices flowing, if you know what I mean.

 

[Ray Dario]

Well, I'm a little late getting in on this, but I'll try to not say the same things as everyone else. First though let me get to the questions:

1: Is it too short?

No, the length is not a problem. If anything it drug on a bit at the start and could have been tightened up.

2: Although this is a true story, does the first person narrative work? I am a great proponent for having a good reason for the POV you chose. In this case First Person was good because it let you get deep into the head of the main character.

3: Is the character development sufficient? Of the first character yes. I quickly grew to despise him. Even if that is not the emotion you were going for, just eliciting emotion is an indication that you developed his character. However, all the other characters were very thin, mere cardboard cutouts to help prop up the story.

4: Though I tried to downplay race, does it matter if it is revealed in the story? No. There is no reason to avoid revealing race in the story. You didn't emphasize his race, used it more as a descriptive and that's fine.

8. How could he have merged his backstory into the story to make a better read? Why do you think this?

The narrative was too long and it got very boring. I think it could have been cut entirely and then little hints tossed in to build the backstory throughout. Especially the part "explaining" about married women. His general sexist ideas and demeaning attitudes toward women could have been shown later without the diatribe. And a lot of the narrative really had very little bearing on the story.

Well that pretty much sums up my critique too. Everyone else has hit on all the major points so I won't beat the horse, so to speak.

Overall the story's pace was slow, the dialog was stilted, and the plot line was predictable. But for first story it wasn't too bad.

Good luck, keep writing.

Ray

 

[cherrylips_au]

Your questions first up.

I didn't think it was too short but I do think it would have been better to concentrate on the whole day spent together then the long build up to get there.

I think the 1st person narrative worked but saying 'I' did get a little repetive.

Well we didn't find out a great deal about Denny expect that he enjoyed preying on married women, the way he worked on the net seemed to be very sleazy and I'm not sure how effective that really would be. But then I'm only one married woman so maybe it does work on others.

I would have liked to known why he didn't seem to have much respect for women as it appeared they were only for his enjoyment.

Also why Robin went from being unsure and not wanting be seen with him on meeting to a such an exhibionist within a car ride where she all but stripped outside the hotel room where anyone could have seen her.

I personally didn't think the race of the characters was important and if you wanted to downplay it then why mention their skin colour or anything such as that to draw attention to it.

How to merge the back story into the story? I think I would have started the story at where he spots her in the parking lot, revealing he knew it was her from the pictures she had sent by email. I'm not sure if all of the back story was needed, lots of it seemed to detract from the story. I would have stuck with the information that was relevant to just Denny and Robin, and not gone into his history of seducing other women on line.

The story was descriptive and I understood where it was heading at all times.
The title "Online first meeting' I wasn't sure what to expect, was it to be their first meeting online? or a real life meeting?

It would have been nice to have Robin's motive for the meeting.

You mentioned they would only chat when Robin's husband wasn't around due to jealousy, starting off chatting during the day, then cybering every night and being interupted by her children.
Yet when they meet, her husband is working during the day. Does he shift work or has he found out she chats online? What about his jealousy?

You based it on a true story and I think you need to look at the events that happened in a fresh way, rather then just how it happened. Why did it happen? What was the motivation from the people involved? Who's veiwpoint would be the most exciting in re-telling the story? What was it about Robin that really caught Denny's attention? He had other meetings with women so why choose her to write about? Just a few ideas.

Thanks for sharing your story.

 

[curious2c]

Very first of all, I really liked this story. I found it to be 'conversationally written' and a nice read.
Is it too short?
I personnally would liked to have seen about, oh, at least a thousand more words on this. I guess I will wait for the second part to come around.
Does the first person narative work?
For me it worked very well. It did take a little read at the start to figure out that it was going to go in this direction. Overall, pretty well done.
Is the character developement sufficent?
My biggest problem were the lack of reasons why he was at first decribed as almost a 'predator', then into the story a ways he becomes almost affectionate, or in love with the targeted housewife. Was he looking for quick sex from a house wife, who was attached and interested only in a one night stand kinda thing, or was he instead looking for a long term affair? You seemed to switch saddles in mid stream on this, in my mind. Not to the point of irritating, but I had the questions in my mind as I read.
Downplaying race
In some stories race is a great issue, in others it is a matter of the actual beating hearts involved. I guess I am trying in my own stupid way of saying, You did this just wonderfully. My impression was that the male was black. The female, well, she could have been, Native American, Black, Hispanic, East Indian, or even a very well tanned white person. Room for the imagination to grow on this one. I have read some stories where you have to be very direct in the race or other attributes of the characters. It can be even harder to write this way, since the author has to limit his/her developments to be specifically targetted to the race issue.

K.M.-
I think that if I understand the question correctly, I would liked to have seen more development on why he did what he did. It appeared at first that he was going for 'easy lays' and a lot of them, then suddenlly he targeted just one woman. Why would she be so easily lead into an affair with a cyber pal? I believe that with a fuller description and background on these two characters I would or could have found a better connection. As it is, taken on the surface of the whole story presented, I have to rely on the author to pick this up in the next installment, if there is to be one. (hopefully there will be at least a second chapter. )
Overall, I liked this one. I voted and gave it a 5. It was well worth the effort put in by nclive2001 and I hope to read more from him in the future.